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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too direct?

33 replies

cantgetmyheadroundit · 05/08/2020 00:01

I'll try and cut a long story short. In January, I found out that 2 years ago, my partner of 9 years kissed another woman a couple of times, and imo that's not all there was to it, although I'm certain I'll never get the truth.

I was just getting my head around it all, when... Covid.

Now, since all this, my partner is stifling the fuck out of me. He doesn't leave me alone, he's really needy, he smothers me with affection, and it really, really pisses me off. It's caused loads of arguments lately, and I have been very direct in telling him that I need space. He doesn't listen.

It was my 50th birthday last week, and some of my friends have bought me a 2 night stay in a hotel 200 miles away, on my own, which is something I've always wanted, especially now!

Since I told him about it, he's sulking. He pretends he's ok with it, but he's all mopey and down - it's just coincidence though, apparently. Nothing to do with me telling him last night about my trip 🙄

The actual question... AIBU to tell him I want no contact with him while I'm away unless there is a dire emergency? If I don't, he will call and message all the time, and that's the exact opposite of what I want.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 05/08/2020 00:02

Seems just fine to me. And I would be re evaluating the relationship too

Throckmorton · 05/08/2020 00:02

YANBU!

teablanket · 05/08/2020 00:03

Not unreasonable at all.

RedNun · 05/08/2020 00:03

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable.

Original poster
cantgetmyheadroundit · 05/08/2020 00:10

@SeaToSki that's one of the reasons I want to go away by myself, to think about what I want. I'm not at all sure that it's this.

OP posts:
Regretsy · 05/08/2020 00:30

Your friends sound amazing, I would love to do that and would probably turn my phone off or block numbers for the weekend!

IWantT0BreakFree · 05/08/2020 00:34

I'd just tell him on your way out of the door that you'll be turning your phone off for the weekend and if there's a genuine emergency he can contact you via hotel reception. Don't feel you need to explain yourself. You are entitled to privacy, even in a relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2020 00:34

Set your phone to do not disturb except for a favorites list, (which he is not on), and you won't have to deal with him.

user1468538201 · 05/08/2020 00:49

Switch off your phone before you leave preferably in front of him, tell him if there is a life or death emergency he can contact the hotel but for no other reason,go enjoy the break, relax, think and figure out if you want him or not. Be prepared that he will probably either accuse you of going away to cheat on him or he'll cry etc to use emotional blackmail as a control mechanism. Don't back down, you need this time. Is there any chance this other woman was still in the background until recently and he's realised he can't have her so he's using you as a fall back. Sorry if I sound harsh.

backseatcookers · 05/08/2020 00:56

Your friends sound AWESOME I would love that gift so much.

He does not sound awesome and I would not love him at all!

Get rid, what a selfish prick he sounds.

Mothership4two · 05/08/2020 01:11

YANBU

Have a couple of (female) friends who did this to evaluate their relationships and get a bit of distance/perspective. Sure it is needed much more during CV

I would do what others have said - block his number and tell him to ring hotel reception in an emergency only.

Make sure he knows a "surprise visit" would be totally out of the question.

Topseyt · 05/08/2020 01:21

Why might be desperately need to contact you when you are away? Do you have children who will be staying with him?

If not then why will he need to contact you at all? Why give him the option of messaging you via the hotel reception and making a pest of himself that way? To be honest, I wouldn't even introduce that idea. Just tell him you want to be left in peace for the whole time you are there.

Marnie76 · 05/08/2020 02:21

I’d say to him that you want the time to completely be alone and do not want to be disturbed so you will be blocking everyone except for one friend. If there is an emergency then he should contact them and they can then (decide if it genuinely is) contact you.

Greyblueeyes · 05/08/2020 03:13

@Marnie76

I’d say to him that you want the time to completely be alone and do not want to be disturbed so you will be blocking everyone except for one friend. If there is an emergency then he should contact them and they can then (decide if it genuinely is) contact you.

Yes, this is an excellent idea. Make a good friend that you really trust a middleman.

Happynow001 · 05/08/2020 05:00

@cantgetmyheadroundit

It was my 50th birthday last week, and some of my friends have bought me a 2 night stay in a hotel 200 miles away, on my own, which is something I've always wanted, especially now!
OP, yes you DO have awesome friends! Just the thing to get some physical and mental space from your idiot DP.

Yes make it plain you will be switching off your phone, social media etc and he's most definitely not welcome to drop into the hotel whilst you are there. I'd also tell him you don't want to hear from him via the hotel number either- otherwise there'll always be a niggle at the back of your head that he'll try and contact you.

I bet he's being a Cling-on because he's guilt-ridden and realised how close he's come to losing you and his life with you.

Does the hotel have a spa/swimming pool? If so even better! Enjoy your time out. 🌹

Original poster
cantgetmyheadroundit · 05/08/2020 07:51

He's being like this because he knows I'm going to be thinking about our future, because of what he did. He doesn't seem to understand that because of lockdown etc, I haven't had time to process what happened, in peace. I think because it was 2 years ago, he sort of thinks it doesn't count.. but to me, it's only 2 months ago!

OP posts:
Original poster
cantgetmyheadroundit · 05/08/2020 07:52

I'm tempted to not even tell him where I'm staying - if he booked a couple of days off work and came up as a 'surprise' - it would be over, and I need to make that clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantgetmyheadroundit · 05/08/2020 07:55

I know I have brilliant friends! I truly don't know what I would have done without them this year.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 05/08/2020 10:43

I would tell him you need space and don't want to hear from him at all that weekend and that if he messages or calls you directly you'll block him for the duration of your stay. If an emergency have a middle man you actually know and they can pass on a message. He sounds insufferable to be honest and I hope that weekend gives you the clarity to leave him!

Original poster
cantgetmyheadroundit · 05/08/2020 10:45

He has so many good points - but they are disappearing in amongst this sea of neediness - and although I've told him it's driving me away... he can't help himself.

I feel like saying that if he turns up uninvited, or pesters the death out of me while I'm away - the relationship is over. I mean that too.

OP posts:
MaeDanvers · 05/08/2020 10:51

So he not only betrayed your trust he’s now crowding you and not giving you any space to think and is sulking about you getting g that chance - and as a gift as part of your birthday! It’s all about him isn’t it?

Has he done anything since you found out he did this to focus on your needs or emotions? At all?

ShellsAndSunrises · 05/08/2020 10:55

that's one of the reasons I want to go away by myself, to think about what I want

He knows this, which is why he’s giving you no space to think. It’s deliberate. He feels it’s his best chance of clinging on to you.

Block him for the hotel stay if he can’t leave you alone. Take the valuable time. He can always call the hotel if it’s urgent.

Original poster
cantgetmyheadroundit · 05/08/2020 11:26

@MaeDanvers

He is very thoughtful and romantic, much more than I am - but it's with little gifts and gestures, which is very lovely and all - but I need him to understand why I need this space emotionally!

OP posts:
Original poster
cantgetmyheadroundit · 05/08/2020 11:28

I won't block him just in case there is a genuine emergency - although there won't be any DC in the house while I'm away, 2 at their other parents, one at uni, and one abroad. However, I'd never forgive myself if something happened and he couldn't get hold of me.

I'd rather that than tell him where I'm staying, because I'm really concerned that he would just turn up.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 05/08/2020 11:34

I’m not suggesting he’s a narcissist but I would look up hoovering - he’s being all attentive now so that you’re drawn back in and overlook the behaviour of 2 years ago. He’s panicking as if you go away he can’t control your ability to think, which is what he’s doing by smothering you at home.

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