Am I being too direct?

[cantgetmyheadroundit]

I'll try and cut a long story short. In January, I found out that 2 years ago, my partner of 9 years kissed another woman a couple of times, and imo that's not all there was to it, although I'm certain I'll never get the truth.

I was just getting my head around it all, when... Covid.

Now, since all this, my partner is stifling the fuck out of me. He doesn't leave me alone, he's really needy, he smothers me with affection, and it really, really pisses me off. It's caused loads of arguments lately, and I have been very direct in telling him that I need space. He doesn't listen.

It was my 50th birthday last week, and some of my friends have bought me a 2 night stay in a hotel 200 miles away, on my own, which is something I've always wanted, especially now!

Since I told him about it, he's sulking. He pretends he's ok with it, but he's all mopey and down - it's just coincidence though, apparently. Nothing to do with me telling him last night about my trip 🙄

The actual question... AIBU to tell him I want no contact with him while I'm away unless there is a dire emergency? If I don't, he will call and message all the time, and that's the exact opposite of what I want.

@Rainbowshine you are so right. I've been working from home for the last few months, and he is self employed. He 'pops' home all fucking day long and it drives me insane, we've argued about it many times. That's why, isn't it? To stop me having too much time to think without interruption.

Yeah that's exactly it - hoovering and seeking to reassert control over the situation. Be clear with him, and take the time you need to process this information.

He sounds like a nightmare, frankly. I guess he must have some good points, but honestly, from what you have written I can't see what they are.

I'd rather that than tell him where I'm staying, because I'm really concerned that he would just turn up.
Do warn your friends not to let slip to him where you are.

I think I’m context the little gifts etc are not so romantic though. It just adds to the smothering. I get this may all be him being desperate not to lose you but it’s still all about him and how he feels! Nothing you have e said indicates he is at all willing to put your emotional needs even on an equal footing let alone above his for a bit, and frankly if someone has cheated they kind of need to be able to put the other persons needs as a priority?

Does he control other things, every day stuff like what’s for meals is what he wants, money, going out (do you “have” to ask if it’s ok and he can veto your plans). If so he’s controlling you.

If this is new behaviour then I would say he’s smothering you deliberately to stop you getting time to yourself to consider things or in a weird attempt to prove he’s “a great partner” with little gifts etc. The best gift a good partner can get you is that they treat you with respect and care and own any lapses in their actions properly and allow you time to weigh up how you feel. Presents are not a measure of love, behaviour and actions are.

I would fully expect there will be some kind of emergency that weekend/those days. You know he doesn't want you to have time to think

So you need to decide how to play it. If you properly want the time without risk of interruption then you cannot tell him where you are going and you need to have a friend as an intermediary if there is a genuine emergency.

However, if you want to treat him like an adult and test how disrespectful he will be tell him where you are. You will get interrupted by him so, imo, you should only tell him where you are if you are prepared to leave him if he disturbs you.

If he does disturb you and you don't leave him then it's just inviting him to ignore your wishes going forward.

This is a lot of emotional stress and planning just to have a couple of days to yourself. He might show up if you tell him where you are, even after saying you don't want that? Yikes.

He's not controlling in obvious ways... It's more insidious. Again, something we have had many discussions over. Nobody controls me, I am on high alert for that as I've had a controlling relationship before.

Ultimately I will do what I want!