Help with my 20 year old “lazy?” son

[bumbleb33s]

Just us two at home. When me and exh split he spent equal time with both but as time’s gone on he felt unhappy at his dad’s due to his house being untidy, never food in fridge, dirty kitchen, washing not regularly done, hardly cooked proper meals, hence now with me but sees dad regularly and they have a good relationship.

He got let go from his job at beginning of lockdown and it’s become obvious he does barely anything in the house, will cook for himself, I will admit that as I was working from home 4 days a week for 8 weeks I did pretty much everything as I had the time. I’m now back working full time and he’s not doing anything, if I ask him to do a job sometimes he will, sometimes, he’s been “too busy” which means with mates, (2 of) they are at our house most days/eves, gaming, working out etc. He doesn’t stay in bed all day, he’s up and about early so that’s no excuse.

I’ve just got back from weekend away to so much mess it’s really upset me. Pile of dirty pots in sink (we have a dishwasher) 4 bags of rubbish by the back door, empty loo roll holders on bathroom floor, pizza leftovers on plate on sofa, dirty marks on a newly painted white wall. When he makes his food he leave crumbs all over the worktops, fry splatter marks on the wall as he doesn’t cover the pan, I just feel it’s so disrespectful when he lives in a nice, tidy house, washing done, clean clothes, cooked meal most evenings, fridge always full etc.

I spoke to him last night and he feels he’s done nothing wrong really, he thought he’d done a good tidy up.

I’ve wondered about threatening to take away the internet or stopping his friends coming round as punishment but is that childish?

I’d love some help on how I sort him out without it being a fall out as apart from this we have a great relationship ☹

I think you need to be very explicit about what your standard of clean is, in one of those people that is a lot cleaner than the rest of my family and I will point out the things that aren't acceptable because to be honest most people I've met don't seem to be bothered about half the stuff you mention.
Go round the house room by room and tell him all the things that are wrong. Tell him what his options are in terms of moving out if he is not prepared to do the work.
Of course it needs to be crystal clear that the relationship has changed and that he is now in a houseshare rather than "living with mum". Tell him the cost of a cleaner and ask him how he will pay for one without a job.

You shouldn't have to, but did you walk around the house and point out to he all the things he thinks are 'fine'. Then explain to him that he's an adult living as a guest in your home so actually his perception of what is fine or not is irrelevant. What matters is yours - which he has utterly dismissed.

If he cannot respect that, apologise and clean up then he needs to find somewhere else to live. As an addict he should be making a fair contribution to the running of the home both financially and in terms of labour/housework, cooking etc. Make your expectations clear now.

Please stop enabling yet another entitled man-child because you don't want to hurt his feelings!

*Adult not addict

I think it's very relevant that you mentioned your exH living in a sty. Your son hates going there because of how badly kept it is. So it would be worth explaining to him that he's heading down the same path, and ask him outright if he wants people to feel the same way when they come to visit him once he lives alone. As PPs have mentioned, point out what's wrong and give him the benefit of the doubt that he genuinely can't see it. But don't entertain doing that more than once.

Did your DS grow up doing chores round the house ?

He should have left everything in the state that he found it. So everything clean & tidy

Its about respect too for the people & place that you live

Not very attractive to a potential partner, if he can't tidy up after himself

Does he get any money? Benefits or from his father?

I'd get a cleaner for the communal areas and make him pay half.

(I did this when I shared a flat - it stopped a lot of arguments).

This a good opportunity to reset things. Get a cleaning rota (I like The Organised Mum one), explicitly listing the jobs required. Share them out and tick them off for accountability. Myself and DH do just 30mins (at most) a day with two young children around!

Your son does not enjoy living in a messy house, as evidenced by his upset with his father's lifestyle. However he does not get to treat you as a skivvy. It's about time he pulled his weight. Otherwise, he is welcome to rent elsewhere.

For my dcs, I wrote down a list of what tidying their room meant.
They now know that it means to
Put all dirty laundry in the laundry bin
Hang clean clothes up
Put all books back on the shelf
Etc etc
If he genuinely doesn’t have a clue then It may help your ds to show him what cleaning the kitchen is and what steps need to be taken.
Write it down, pin it up on the fridge and tell him that those are the tasks that need to be ticked off.

As well as specific lists of how to clean, photograph the rooms as he's left them, then again when they are properly clean and tidy. Get him to play 'spot the difference' and draw a red circle around all of his mess on the first photos.

Either he behaves like an adult or you treat him like a child.

Adults - clean after themselves, do their share of chores, and respect your home. They also aim to pay their way by seriously looking for a job.

Children - get told off and have their behavior checked and punished with restrictions on Internet use , friends not being allowed over, and curfews.

His choice.

Stop doing his washing! He’s an adult, treat him like one, he’s well aware what tidy and clean is but why does he need to bother if you do everything? He’s 20, not a child, and very capable of managing to tidy up after himself. You’re in danger of creating a man who expects a woman to sort his mess out if you don’t stop babying him and enabling this pathetic behaviour!

You baby him. That’s so disrespectful to leave the house in that state for you to return to. I would tell him he is to move out once lockdown is over - it’s probably a bit late to discipline him now. He won’t appreciate you until he has to stand up on his own two feet.

I grew up in a clean house & Mum who spoilt us, but if they went away we would have a Mad clean before they returned. I only truly appreciated things like having a hot meal every night & washing done + folded after moving out.

I spoke to him last night and he feels he’s done nothing wrong really, he thought he’d done a good tidy up.

And presumably you reminded him that he left his dad’s house because he didn’t like living somewhere like that?

He wants a full fridge, meals on tap, laundry service and someone to tidy up after him-he needs to go and live in a hotel.

I hope you told him to go back and live at his dad’s house.

He's 20!

If he can't leave the house in a state acceptable to you then he moves out. I lived with my mum for a bit at that age, I cooked, I cleaned, I did any ironing or washing that needed doing. I certainly didn't give my mum any extra jobs by being disrespectful and lazy.

I think it’s unfair he won’t stay at his dads as it’s not up to his standard of clean but won’t put the work into your house to make it up to his preferred standard, it doesn’t matter if he thinks he’s in the wrong or not it’s your house and you get to choose how it is. He needs to keep up to your standard or needs to move out and I bet you when he moves out his place will be spotless!! He sounds as if he doesn’t respect you.

FFS is he blind or seriously trying to take the piss? He thought he'd done a good job tidying up by leaving dirty plates and bags of rubbish everywhere?

He's an adult. He needs to pull his weight in the house or move out. If he's out of work then I presume he's not paying any keep? Where's he getting the money to go out?

Was he raised to pull his weight around the house from a young age?

My ONE year old loaded a full wash into the washing machine yesterday. A full laundry basket one item at a time he popped it all into the machine and shut the door.

My 15 year old with SEN does a lot around the house.

I'm raising boys that pitch in around the house, who will then hopefully become men who do their share too as adults.

I see so many parents who seem to think their kids will magically transform into helpful capable adults after spending their entire childhoods waited on hand and foot.

He's an adult now so will have to learn fast.

Don't do his laundry. Do a rota for cooking and pot washing that's EQUAL. Split the household chores equally too, and perhaps suggest once he's back in work you evenly split the cost of a cleaner. If he needs micromanaging due to never being taught, then put up a wipe clean tick sheet breaking down each part of cleaning a room.

Please sort this out or some poor woman/man is going to end up living with a lazy man child!

He really is taking the piss but you need to get much stricter and spell it out to him that you won't put up with this any longer.

Even the fact you put "lazy" in the title with inverted commas, makes me think you're not seeing it for what it actually is.

It sounds as though your son has grown up not having to do things round the house, or at least not being chased up when they are not done. This makes it harder for him to learn now, but you are going to have to work hard to make it happen.

I have spent years working with (mostly) older teenagers, some young adults. It was a residential place and therefore they needed to take some responsibility for 'housework' themselves....but none of them did. So they needed to learn.

You have a choice...it can be done but you must be involved. Or you put up with the mess. Or you even throw him out.

You start to put boundaries on what he does. You sit him down and explain that he cannot live in your place without pulling his weight, because you have noticed how little he does and how poor the standards are. If he has no work and therefore cannot pay rent, you are within your rights to say what your expectations are in return for lodging. You need to put boundaries on when his mates come round (say 2 nights a week or whatever).

You explain what jobs need doing and to what standard. You then DO THE JOBS WITH HIM so that he is absolutely aware of what has to be done and to what standard. I can assure you he will hate it, you tell him it will continue if he doesn't pull his weight and do the jobs himself, regularly, and to the standard that you expect.

If he doesn't do this/walks out/ignores, you stay calm and explain he cannot remain with you if that's his attitude. He needs to grow up and act like an responsible adult and if he can't, then you will treat him like the entitled child he is behaving like.

However, if you think all this is too severe, then you are creating your own problem. He will never act responsibility, and will carry on as he has always done until he meets some other woman who will run round him and enable his man-child attitude.....

Does he normally do clean ups and regular chores? If he hasn't been brought up to do this then why would you expect him to understand what clean means?

Definitely compare the mess you came home to with the mess at his father's.

@BlankTimes

As well as specific lists of how to clean, photograph the rooms as he's left them, then again when they are properly clean and tidy. Get him to play 'spot the difference' and draw a red circle around all of his mess on the first photos.

'spot the difference' - genius!

Thanks all for your amazing feedback and helpful suggestions. In answer to some of your questions.

I agree that I need to be very clear about my standard of cleaning to his, writing down a list of what’s expected in each room and doing it between us is a good idea. I like the house share comment as opposed to living with mum, will definitely be stating that.

The fact that he thinks his tidy and mine are different, and yes it’s irrelevant whether he thinks I’m ott clean, he’s living under my roof so he needs to accept my standards.

I think it's very relevant that you mentioned your exH living in a sty I do and did point this out last night!

Yes he’s been brought up helping out with chores and tidying away, it’s just recently, since he’s home all day and has friends round that he’s got like this, too bloody busy socialising.

Good point about telling him he should leave everything in the state that he found it.

He currently is on UC due to losing his job in lockdown, he also gets a bit in hand for helping family in their business, so he does ok, he still pays board.

I wish I had photographed the mess, seeing it in black & white may have had more of an effect!

I don’t think the comments you make are severe, there’s some great advice here.

Love spot the difference idea.

Yes, I spoke to him last night and told him in no uncertain terms that if this carries on he can go back to his dads, I admit I’ve probably been too soft over the last few weeks whilst I’ve been home 6 days a week but now am putting my foot down and won’t let it continue.

I am going to copy all these comments and sit down with him tonight, make him read them and I am now going to do a rota and tell him I will expect changes to be made or I will be telling him that his mates are no longer welcome and the internet will be switched off, then he can go to his dads. I’ve had enough now.

Back all the mess up into bin bags and dump in his room.

@BeaUnder that's actually a great idea, he would hate that ! :)