Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Ex becoming unreasonable

41 replies

Aresusie · 04/08/2020 09:54

Backstory - I was with my ex for 20 years, we got together when I was 17, he was 27. My dad left when I was 3 and I guess he made me feel safe. We got married about 8 years ago, had a daughter. I never really felt anything for him, but he was safe and dependable. But about three years ago I started to feel really unhappy and started to realise how unfulfilled I was. I told him how I felt but he didn’t really believe it, or refused to. We went on a make or brake holiday, and I was clear after that I still felt the same. He moved out but still did child care in the morning and evening (he worked part time, always had, I earned the money, he controlled it). Things were amicable, but then I was introduced to a mutual friend. I wasn’t thinking relationship, just a bit of fun, I didn’t tell ex as I didn’t want to upset him. The mutual friend started turning into more than fun, we got on so well and we fell for each other, he’d come from a similar relationship and things were/are amazing. Ex found out after he opened my phone and read some messages. This normally calm and nice person instantly changed, he shouted at me in front of our daughter and was really mean.
Anyway, the situation with the new guy has grown and grown and we’re so happy. I have since introduced him to my daughter and they get on great, she loves him. Ex decided to move back to his home town 80 miles away, and now only sees her on weekends, despite me saying he should stay local and could see her any time he likes. He has become verbally abusive at every drop off, in front of our daughter, and is constantly telling me what a horrible person I am by text because I broke our family up. My daughter is happy, I am happy, what is wrong with that? I know I have broken the family up, but surely you shouldn’t stay with someone if you’re not happy, and surely finding a nice man who our daughter rally likes is good?! I know he’s hurting but is it reasonable for him to continue to behave in this way? It’s really getting us all down.

OP posts:

ReasonablyUnreasonable · 04/08/2020 10:49

Of course it isn't reasonable for him to be behaving the way he is.

He is, understandably, hurt but that does not give him an excuse to treat you in the way that he is.

I am, effectively, your partner in this situation and it is really beginning to upset me (but ex actually takes her rubbish out on me!). If you can in some way try to nip it in the bud, I would. However, if he persists, do not bother to contact him for anything other than pick ups/drop offs. Keep it regular, then you don't even need to establish what time he is coming. If he messages you about anything else, don't respond (unless an emergency relating to your daughter or something!)

He opted to move 80 miles away, making his relationship with his daughter more difficult. Make sure she is happy with you, then it won't matter what her dad says.

Good luck, OP

Wattagoose90 · 04/08/2020 11:02

Was he blindsighted when you told him how you felt originally, or were there signs already that you were unhappy? Was he happy and you were just on totally different pages?

If he was blindsighted then I get that accounts for where some of his anger is coming from and I'd be sympathetic to that, but you both need to learn how to find a way to co-parent together and hurling abuse obviously isn't something your daughter should be listening to. It's a new kind of relationship to learn to navigate and I can't imagine it's much fun on either part.

Original poster

Aresusie · 04/08/2020 11:05

He wasn’t blindsided, I was telling him how I felt for three years.

OP posts:

bathsh3ba · 04/08/2020 11:14

It's understandable he's upset, it was a long relationship and even if you were not happy, it sounds like he was. You've moved on, he hasn't and you're now making a new family with this new man, of course he's hurt. Particularly since it sounds like you were still spending a lot of time together until you met this man - and if he's a mutual friend, it doubtless feels like a double betrayal to him. Not everyone agrees that being unhappy is grounds to end a marriage, though I know that would be a masochistic position to take on Mumsnet!

With all that said, it is of course unreasonable for him to send you unkind messages on a regular basis and to shout at you in front of your daughter. It's up to him where he lives and if he finds that he needs to be where he won't see you as often, that's his call, so I don't think he was unreasonable to move away.

You need to re-establish boundaries for your new relationship. If he can't do the hand-over civilly, can you arrange for e.g a family member to do the hand-over? If his messages are harassing, you could warn him you will go to the police if they continue. You could only correspond by email and set up a Gmail or similar exclusively for co-parenting.

The hurt will fade and this will pass but you need a strategy to get out this rocky patch with his daughter and his relationship as intact as possible.

dontdisturbmenow · 04/08/2020 11:21

So you had an affair because you waited for your prince charming to pick you up before leaving them man you were with for many years without loving him.

You introduced prince charming quickly to your daughter and now want to play happy family with this wonderful man that your daughter adores.

Tour ex probably had to move because he couldn't afford to live locally or needed support.

But hey, you're happy, how dare him not being happy for you and your daughter.

When women tell the tale, as it's more often that we read about the men having the affair, they are considered the victim of a narcissistic ex. I guess it's easier to feel sympathy when that person is the one posting.

RandomMess · 04/08/2020 11:21

Stop is access to you.

I agree about changing where you do handovers and if he can't be civil in public get someone else to do them.

Does he have her every weekend? When do you get your downtime/leisure time with her? If you let this precedent continue when can you ever have a long weekend away either with or without your DD?

I would like at changing it to EOW Fri- Mon or 2 weekends out of 3 with more time in the school holidays.

He probably thought he was going to be able to worm his way back in tbh.

RandomMess · 04/08/2020 11:22

@dontdisturbmenow they had split up and he had moved out???

sst1234 · 04/08/2020 11:25

His reaction sounds unpleasant and he should show more gravitas but you used him, or at least that’s how it sounds, reading what you’ve written. He’s aggrieved, as you would be to, in his position.

dontdisturbmenow · 04/08/2020 11:27

Yes and the part 'I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to upset him' is also common on Relationship when the woman is led to believe they are just taking a break to work things out but hold and behold, the husband left to have freedom to test the waters with the new friend.

piscean10 · 04/08/2020 11:28

Is the mutual friend his friend as well?

contrmary · 04/08/2020 11:28

I think the ex has good reason to be upset and am not surprised he isn't delighted you are now so much happier.

If the genders were the other way around, everyone would be piling in complaining about the man not working for the relationship and trading the woman in for a new model.

Mittens030869 · 04/08/2020 11:29

It does sound as if you used him, you never cared for him according to what you've said. So of course he's hurt. You sound very selfish actually. Of course he's behaving badly and shouldn't shout at you in front of your DD. But you sound very much like you lack any kind of empathy.

Tappering · 04/08/2020 11:29

Do you know this to be true of the OP?

Original poster

Aresusie · 04/08/2020 11:33

It wasn’t an affair.

OP posts:

Buxx · 04/08/2020 11:34

Your lack of empathy in how he is feeling is staggering. Imagine being in his shoes. Kicked out of his home, probably kept dangling until you made your mind up whether you wanted him or this new bloke. New bloke quickly moves in to his former role and he's been airbrushed out. To top it all you are outraged he's not happy for you! give your head a wobble.

He has no right to be verbally aggressive but he has every right to be angry and sad.

Imagine if all that happened to you, how do you think you'd feel.

I'll probably get shouted down because you've played the 'he's abusive' card but come on, is it really that hard to understand why he's acting the way he is?

Moving back home is a knee jerk reaction to the hurt he's feeling. He's feeling sorry for himself and probably wants to be with supportive people.

Original poster

Aresusie · 04/08/2020 11:34

I’m not expecting him to be pleased, and understand why he’s upset, the post was asking if his behaviour is unreasonable, not if it’s ok for him to feel upset. Of course it’s ok for him to feel upset.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 04/08/2020 11:37

Please tell.me you didnt tell him you never loved him through whole relationship and it was a total lie.

Saw aunt do this to her husband after 20 odd years of marriage. He said everything felt like a lie. He said if she just said she had fallen out of love him he would have coped so much better. He said it made him feel so bitter

Original poster

Aresusie · 04/08/2020 11:38

No of course not, a mutual friend of one of my friends, nothing to do with him

OP posts:

Original poster

Aresusie · 04/08/2020 11:38

Of course I haven’t

OP posts:

Buxx · 04/08/2020 11:42

The two are linked. His 'unreasonable' behaviour is linked to your actions. So you are both responsible for this situation. Question is are you going to acknowledge your part in this or just blame him. In your shoes, for the sake of my child I'd acknowledge his hurt and apologise for treating him in a shitty way. Then aim to draw a line under it.

If he can't then put it behind him and behave in a civilised manner then there are consequences for him.

Tavannach · 04/08/2020 11:45

His behaviour is unreasonable. It's not okay for him to verbally abuse you, especially not in front of your daughter. He's upset but he has to take responsibility for that - he can't blame you for leaving a relationship which was making you unhappy. He could consider counselling but that is his decision to make. You're not responsible for his happiness. Write to him telling him that his behaviour in front of your daughter has to change. You are both her parents and it benefits her if you can keep things amicable.

Clumsyvolcano · 04/08/2020 11:46

He is unreasonable with his behaviour but he is acting that way because he still loves you and is bitter that you are now with his friend who makes you happy when he couldn’t.

Rightly or wrongly that’s the top and bottom of it and that is why he has moved away.

He feels resentment towards you and it’s to be expected really since you have started a relationship with a friend he’s going to be even more gutted.

Teacher12345 · 04/08/2020 11:46

He is being unreasonable. You have moved on and he needs to accept that and do the same.
You were unreasonable to stay in a relationship for so long when you didn't love him but to be honest, a 17 yr old with a 27 year old sounds like grooming/control, not an equal relationship. Maybe his loss of control over you is what he is angry about.
@dontdisturbmenow you appear to have reconstructed the story to suit you. Did you even read the OP?

RandomMess · 04/08/2020 11:46

How long after the op telling him for 3 years she was unhappy for, going on a make or break holiday that concluded the end of the relationship, him moving out was she supposed to remain single and celibate for??

Original poster

Aresusie · 04/08/2020 11:46

I am fully accepting my part in this, and I know that finding someone else has hurt him. I have apologised for hurting him and am not reacting to his anger, I’m being understanding. The original post was to establish if his current behaviour is unreasonable. I am genuinely interested to hear because I appreciate how upset he is. And if the majority of people think it is reasonable based on the situation then I will just sit back and allow him to continue to rant at me until it all blows over!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread