Ex becoming unreasonable

[Aresusie]

Backstory - I was with my ex for 20 years, we got together when I was 17, he was 27. My dad left when I was 3 and I guess he made me feel safe. We got married about 8 years ago, had a daughter. I never really felt anything for him, but he was safe and dependable. But about three years ago I started to feel really unhappy and started to realise how unfulfilled I was. I told him how I felt but he didn’t really believe it, or refused to. We went on a make or brake holiday, and I was clear after that I still felt the same. He moved out but still did child care in the morning and evening (he worked part time, always had, I earned the money, he controlled it). Things were amicable, but then I was introduced to a mutual friend. I wasn’t thinking relationship, just a bit of fun, I didn’t tell ex as I didn’t want to upset him. The mutual friend started turning into more than fun, we got on so well and we fell for each other, he’d come from a similar relationship and things were/are amazing. Ex found out after he opened my phone and read some messages. This normally calm and nice person instantly changed, he shouted at me in front of our daughter and was really mean.
Anyway, the situation with the new guy has grown and grown and we’re so happy. I have since introduced him to my daughter and they get on great, she loves him. Ex decided to move back to his home town 80 miles away, and now only sees her on weekends, despite me saying he should stay local and could see her any time he likes. He has become verbally abusive at every drop off, in front of our daughter, and is constantly telling me what a horrible person I am by text because I broke our family up. My daughter is happy, I am happy, what is wrong with that? I know I have broken the family up, but surely you shouldn’t stay with someone if you’re not happy, and surely finding a nice man who our daughter rally likes is good?! I know he’s hurting but is it reasonable for him to continue to behave in this way? It’s really getting us all down.

I should add that you were right to end the relationship with your ex, however I don’t blame you!

It’s not his friend, he doesn’t know him

Its not reasonable to rant at you. When he first found out then yes a reaction is to be expected. Long term ranting is not acceptable and not good for your child.

Have you actually sat down and had a proper conversation without shouting since it all happened?

There’s some hardcore projection on this thread. Always fun to see the usual suspects wilfully misunderstanding to fit their chosen narrative.

What the fuck was your ex doing snooping through your phone and invading your privacy? What he found was squarely on him.

His choice to move away. His choice to reduce the contact with his child. His choice to be verbally abusive to you - in front of god no less, charming - instead of managing his complicated emotions like a fucking grown up.

@Aresusie ahh right ok, I thought you said a mutual friend of you both. Sorry. Either way, he’s not reasonable we all know that.

What @AnneLovesGilbert said.

Um, not in front of god

In front of your daughter.

What was the timescale between your ex moving out and you meeting the new guy? I can understand him being upset if it was quite quick, but he shouldn’t have gone through your phone and he shouldn’t have shouted in front of your daughter.

Concentrate on your own life. Keep contact and handovers brief and emotionless. If he starts anything just shut him down with a short, standard reply.. “our marriage was over long before I moved on. Now let’s try and keep things quiet and kind for our daughter’s sake.“ Then shorten it to “Let’s keep things civilised for our daughter’s sake.” No other comments.

He sounds like an abusive arsehole, OP and you've done well to escape him.

Block his number, set up an email and state that's the only platform you're to have any discussion regarding your daughter if he continues to verbally berate you.

Is there another relative who could drop your daughter off? How old is she? Could you drop her off on his doorstep and she go into his house herself/have her own phone and come out of your house alone?

Start the recording his abusive behaviour in front of your child. Then use to request supervised visitations at a contact centre only. And wash your hands of him.

Given that he didn't act like this before, he sounds heartbroken. Everyone deals with that in their own way. Time is a healer & he doesn't sound like a rubbish person or dad, so he'll be back seeing DD before you know it. Just give him time!

He absolutely sounds like a rubbish dad. He’s punishing his daughter by moving 80 miles away and limiting his contact with her out of spite because his ex got a boyfriend after they split up. He’s verbally abusive to his daughter’s mother in front of her. That will inevitably upset and potentially scare her.

The pitiful standards some people have are shocking.

YANBU. Some dad he is, moving away 90 miles.

I’d say he took advantage of when you were 17 and 10 years younger than him. I’m glad you’ve left him.

Given that he didn't act like this before, he sounds heartbroken. Everyone deals with that in their own way. Time is a healer & he doesn't sound like a rubbish person or dad, so he'll be back seeing DD before you know it. Just give him time!

It's acceptable to verbally abuse your ex in front of your daughter? Really? Such a committed father that he moved 80 miles away despite this meaning less contact time with his child?

So you were 17 and he was 27, plus

he worked part time, always had, I earned the money, he controlled it.

Ex found out after he opened my phone and read some messages.

He doesn’t sound like a nice man to me. He sounds like a controlling man who was nice while he was in control, but now that he’s lost control, is showing his other side.