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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is not normal for a 13 year old.What to do?

62 replies

wetandmiserable · 03/08/2020 23:01

DS has had a few very dramatic tantrums lately and I am getting really worried about him. I know tantrum is a silly word to describe a 13 yr old - maybe rage is better. That's what it feels like. He shouts, stomps around and is just horrible to me and his younger sister. It is hard to predict what will set him off but one obsession is if he feels he's being treated unfairly compared to dd and that she is getting away with things he didn't at her age. I swear 99% of this is in his head.

When he's like that I feel I've lost control and it's scary really. Nothing I can say will get through to him, whether I get angry or stay calm doesn't make a difference. He's always been a bit like this but it seems to have escalated recently. Behaviour elsewhere is absolutely exemplary.

I feel like he's bored. He doesn't see friends much, or have much contact with them at all. At school he was happy with his circle, but in lockdown there hasn't been that much contact. He plays a sport, which he loves and training for that is back on, but other than that he doesn't really have hobbies. He is academic and a high achiever at school but struggles to be motivated to read (his words) and just spends so much time watching YouTube videos - mainly on academic topics he's interested in tbf, but I'm worried because he seems so sluggish and irritable and seems to have this pent up fury that erupts suddenly that I'm sure is partly down to frustration/boredom.

Today he wanted me to go for walk with him but I'm a lp who wfh and we'd just come back from a week away so I had loads to do and I just couldn't but it feels like he's moped around all day to then blow up. I feel he needs mentally stimulating but as I said he doesn't really read and hates puzzles/stuff like that. He has a language app on his phone but gets frustrated with that. Don't know why - he's more than capable but if it's not easy he gives up.

Any ideas? I feel like I'm letting him down but don't know how to help him at the moment.

OP posts:

SafferUpNorth · 04/08/2020 12:02

He wants you to go for a walk with him? Leave the housework and go walk and talk with him for goodness sake. Lockdown must be super hard on young teens, be grateful he still wants to talk to you. He needs you. Being 13 is a confusing time, especially now.

vanillandhoney · 04/08/2020 12:03

@Splattherat

I agree absolutely in theory yes but I know here and with friends in real life not on mumsnet this isn’t the reality. Hope you have a better day OP.

Then maybe it's time for OP to make it the reality.

Housework can wait. If you have a teenager who's struggling and reaching out to you, you make time for them.

rbe78 · 04/08/2020 12:09

Can he go and stay by himself at his dad's for a bit? My DSS really flourishes having some time away from his sister (eliminates any 'competition' for attention, perceived or real), and it would give you and your DD a bit of a break too.

Thislittlelady · 04/08/2020 12:17

He’s a teenager in lockdown. I think most parents are experiencing this at the moment to be honest. People I have spoken to all have a similar theme...

Roomba · 04/08/2020 12:24

This all sounds very normal (to me. 14yo DS is much the same at times. It's a combination of boredom, lockdown frustration, anxiety, raging hormones and mood swings that mean he can imagine we've been absolutely awful to him unfairly. He's been pretty much trapped at home with the people he wants to spend the least amount of time with at his age ( he still needs you though, even if he won't admit it to himself). I can only imagine how I'd have felt during lockdown when I was a teenager! I would probably have been unbearable if I'm honest.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/08/2020 15:46

My kids are a couple of years younger so this may not work so much with yours, but one thing I found really helped in spending time with them and getting things done was to have them do chores with me.

They can be really reluctant to help out if I just ask them to do something (especially if I appear to be just sitting around!) but they tend to be happy to do things if it’s something I’m working on at the same time.

Then, with chores done faster, I have time to spend with them doing things they like to do or on me too.

airbags · 04/08/2020 16:53

A intelligent pubescent teenager, in lockdown, socially isolated and you're wondering why he's getting angry and moody.

Take him for that walk - sounds like a great idea, he wants to get out and also wants to talk - he's a teenage boy who could easily shut you out but he's trying to connect and share and you're turning him away.

2bazookas · 04/08/2020 17:36

HEs TELLING you what he wants, it's very simple and you were too busy.

He wants to go for a walk with his mother so he can talk to you. He probably doesn't want the conversation to include sibling; nor does he want you staring into his eyes like (if you talked at home, face toface. Talking while walking is more relaxed, less intense, easy to have little pauses and distractions. He wants your attention,on terms manageable to him.

It might be that his change of mood is because he has something  weighing on his mind. Send the sibling  on a playdate  and take your boy for a walk.

Porcupineinwaiting · 04/08/2020 17:42

I have 2 teen boys and am seeing a lot of this atm, even from ds1 who is usually so laid back.
He needs company and exercise and stimulation and a bit of you that doesnt involve his sibling if possible.

Yy to giving him jobs (preferably interesting and challenging ones). And yes to going for walks etc with him so you can talk - if you are too busy during the day what about an hour in the evening.

Playdoughcaterpillar · 04/08/2020 17:46

I agree he needs more interaction. I think you have to make time for him and also push the friends meet up. Do you know any of the mums you could text? My son is younger at 9 but was transformed by organising more meet ups with his friends. Take him to the park with ball/cricket set and encourage him to text his friends to join you?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 04/08/2020 18:38

He's 13. Why do you think this isn't normal? This is literally how teenagers are.

Rubbish. If they can behave in school, they can behave at home. Unless there are some underlying issues, they will only show extreme tantrums if they know their parents would put up with such behaviour. No way such behaviour is a general thing.

impossible · 04/08/2020 18:39

He sounds great in lots of ways and wants to be close to you. He also sounds like a normal 13 year old dealing with the added pressure of lockdown.

Prioritize him - go on walks if he asks and jobs together. Be silly with him. Don't push him away if he asks to spend time with you. Try to enjoy his company.

Teen years are very difficult and with covid the world looks especially scary and unpredictable. Keep him emotionally close and make sure he can connect with you whenever he wants. As a parent of dcs approaching their twenties I can tell you that the next few years will fly (for you if not ds) and they will be more manageable if you stay close to your dcs. Teens can be very frustrating but it is infinitely better to have them making demands of you than retreating into their own worlds.

Temper tantrums are not great but put them down to the developmental changes he is going through. At quieter moments with just the two of you (on walks perhaps) point out how his rages make you feel and discuss with him.

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