To think this is not normal for a 13 year old.What to do?

[wetandmiserable]

DS has had a few very dramatic tantrums lately and I am getting really worried about him. I know tantrum is a silly word to describe a 13 yr old - maybe rage is better. That's what it feels like. He shouts, stomps around and is just horrible to me and his younger sister. It is hard to predict what will set him off but one obsession is if he feels he's being treated unfairly compared to dd and that she is getting away with things he didn't at her age. I swear 99% of this is in his head.

When he's like that I feel I've lost control and it's scary really. Nothing I can say will get through to him, whether I get angry or stay calm doesn't make a difference. He's always been a bit like this but it seems to have escalated recently. Behaviour elsewhere is absolutely exemplary.

I feel like he's bored. He doesn't see friends much, or have much contact with them at all. At school he was happy with his circle, but in lockdown there hasn't been that much contact. He plays a sport, which he loves and training for that is back on, but other than that he doesn't really have hobbies. He is academic and a high achiever at school but struggles to be motivated to read (his words) and just spends so much time watching YouTube videos - mainly on academic topics he's interested in tbf, but I'm worried because he seems so sluggish and irritable and seems to have this pent up fury that erupts suddenly that I'm sure is partly down to frustration/boredom.

Today he wanted me to go for walk with him but I'm a lp who wfh and we'd just come back from a week away so I had loads to do and I just couldn't but it feels like he's moped around all day to then blow up. I feel he needs mentally stimulating but as I said he doesn't really read and hates puzzles/stuff like that. He has a language app on his phone but gets frustrated with that. Don't know why - he's more than capable but if it's not easy he gives up.

Any ideas? I feel like I'm letting him down but don't know how to help him at the moment.

Sounds like he's feeling jealous of his sister. Give him the one-to-one time he needs as often as you can, and make sure you tell him you love him. Perhaps a sporting activity he doesn't usually do, such as badminton or swingball, would help to work off some of his aggression.

Sounds extremely familiar to me. Go for that walk, the more you engage with him, the less he’ll rage. I know. I KNOW it’s hard when you’re responsible for everything else, but that’s not his fault, and as pp said, teenagers need us, in some ways more.

Also, when he’s in a calm frame of mind, explain that there is a difference between fair parenting, and treating both your children the same. They are not the same, need different things, and yes, sometimes you will not be fair, because you’re human!

this obsession with the youngest having an easier time is very very common, and sometimes a little bit true. I was a hard-done-by eldest child, and I STILL do this to my eldest.

But, he needs to know that he also gets benefits to being the eldest, and as long as he does, remind him what those are.

Also, maybe try and find some resources on dealing with anger,, for children, they exist, and can help. Kids can frighten themselves with rage, and it is something you can work through together.

I cannot think how bad this would have been for me when I was a teenager.

I know it’s tough but he’s telling you he needs some you time. Try and work some in. Would it be so difficult to take a 30 minute walk? Presumably you get a break whilst WFH.

Teens and toddlers are very similar both facing big changes with many expectations only the teens can't jump on your lap when things get scary without being embarrassed.
I'd grip my teeth ignore the tension and try been calm and extra loving hopefully he'll follow your lead.

I was a hard-done-by eldest child, and I STILL do this to my eldest
Me too with my eldest. I couldn't sleep last night with the guilt.

I think it would be worth taking a hour out to walk. Then work an hour later in the evening. I think he is asking for a bit of attention. Getting some exercise together will do you both good.

I agree that it is a positive that he wants to walk with you. 30 minutes a day would be great.

I have a 13 year old and she wasn’t too bad in lockdown but now we are into the summer holidays with very little to do, she has started to get rages too. I can’t get her out for a 10 minute walk around the block.

Also if he wants to talk to you on the walk, that is a positive too. I am finding it difficult to connect to my dc as everything I say, just completely normal chat, makes her mad.

OP it will be his age and Covid its an awful time for them. Try and cut him some slack its hard for everyone my two teens are rarely going out at the minute either. DS 16 seems to be coping really well but he has his x box but DD had coped much less well.
Some teens seem to have been meeting up in secret almost throughout the entire time of lockdown whereas as many others are being more sensible and keeping contact with friends to a minimum (but keeping in touch via social media).

If he's asking to go for walks with you, why aren't you going? Housework can wait, surely?

He sounds like a fairly normal teenager to me (I was a nightmare at that age) but it's good that he's wanting your attention. I used to get really upset when my mum was always too busy to spend time with me.

My DD 15 had a total tearful melt down at one point. She is angry and worried about everything she has missed at school this year, concerned about her GCSE’s worried if they will ever get back to school (rumours circulating that their lives will be disrupted fir the next 2 to 3 years), how long will they be back at school for, what will happen with their GCSE’s (as they have missed even more schooling than the current year 11’s etc. I think she is angry, frightened and scared about the future and the thought of being holed up in the house with us for very much longer.

Wanting to go for a walk together is lovely but OP has been on holiday and she has work to do in the home and working from home.

Sounds fairly standard, tbh. I also have bright/academic reluctant readers, despite years and years of being read all the children's classics each evening. The younger has a couple of local friends he socialises with frequently (allowed where we are), the older's friends are less local and he did play/chat online to them at the beginning of all this but that's dwindled now. There's nothing for it but to force them into some activity - not constantly but they should certainly be getting some fresh air each day (it's great that he wanted to go for a walk with you and tbh I would prioritise that above everything else), tasks in the garden, that sort of thing. They're old enough to help out a bit at this age. Mine have cooked the odd meal, done gardening, made ice-cream, they entertain their little sister for me fairly often. They're off onto the lawn to gather up the windfall apples shortly.

Calmly and repeatedly insist on an acceptable tone, even though you may have to repeat yourself often (!) My eldest is of the hard-done-by type too and in a way you have to let them rant it out without fuelling the fire (which is what engaging in discussion inevitably does).

Thanks for all your comments. It just seemed so extreme last night - he was roaring.At one point I thought a neighbour might ring the police, though we are detached but pretty close to other houses, and part of me wished they would turn up as it felt so out of control.

Yes, it is good he wants to walk with me and we did loads of walking on our holiday but it is really hard when nothing gets done unless I do it. We do get out most days though but that often leads to a bit of tension too as dd hates going for a walk and if she's already been on screen a fair bit I don't really want to leave her to more.

Anyway, this morning he's already emptied out the car for me and he has training later so should be a better day. It's just so hard and they're going to their dad's for nearly 2 weeks next week which is by far the biggest stretch they've ever been away and it makes me feel shit that when they are here we're fighting.

Bored/bit lonely/lots of hormones/missing structure. Feel sorry for him but he still needs to remember his sister deserves respect. Hard for her too.

13yolds are not meant to be cooped up with parents for long periods. Even if not his close friends can he find a running buddy that's local? Think running wd help his mood & maybe his sport

I have two teen boys and there have been a few times I honestly thought Harry Enfield's Kevin had moved in!
I know this won't work for every child but my youngest was getting sooooo bored but didn't want to do anything so I suggested getting his bike back out. I signed him up to Race at your Pace, he keeps track of his miles after deciding how many to aim for then gets a medal at the end of the month. This kept his motivation up and he randomly goes out for a good long cycle if he's bored now.

Would it really be so hard to find 30 minutes a day to walk and talk with your 13yo? Poor kid. No wonder he's pissed off.

Yes, it is good he wants to walk with me and we did loads of walking on our holiday but it is really hard when nothing gets done unless I do it. We do get out most days though but that often leads to a bit of tension too as dd hates going for a walk and if she's already been on screen a fair bit I don't really want to leave her to more
It sounds like they both need a shake up screen addiction is real.
My DD could easily use screen time all day she isn't allowed.
You need to make a time table to include both of their interests.
They also need to help you more it sounds like your bending over backwards trying to please both.
They're young but not babies a family is a team, limit DD's screen time and she'll want to walk, right now she has more interesting things to do online. Take the option away.
Don't let them control you.

I work with teenagers and the outbursts you're describing are pretty common at this age. Your DS is dealing with a perfect storm of boredom, hormones, social isolation, sibling rivalry...and add to that probably a bit of anxiety about school resuming in September. Even the kids who love school and have missed it are bound to be nervous after such a long absence. There's a lot going on for him emotionally and he doesn't have the skills to cope with it yet. The fact that his behaviour is impeccable in other settings but he takes his frustrations out on you at home is also very common. He feels safe with you so he can 'let it out'. I know it's so hard juggling everything, and he needs to understand that there will be times your work has to take priority, but making time to walk and talk with him will help.

I would think this is hormones and depression.

I'd prioritise the walk. Every time. This is how you get some alone-time for him to talk to you, and how you find out what is truly going on in his head. It's also how you demonstrate that you love and value him and his company.

Rage like that often happens when it has been bottled up for a long time, and it is common in adolescence, when teens don't know how to cope with their anger. Especially if the things they are saying are being discounted - don't be too quick to assume that you treat your youngest the same as you treated him. There may also be reasons they were/are treated differently but equally, and explaining those to him may help.

Oh, and I know it's a cliche, but he obviously feels safe enough to have feelings with you, it just needs to be put back in its box occasionally! Maybe 2 weeks with his dad feels like a big issue to him too? Add that to specifically wanting a walk with you, I'd say that's possible. for you for him (even if he is a teenager).

Agree 100% with @BoomBoomsCousin.

He’s telling you what he needs, please prioritise that’s. He’s looking for connection, and for you to hear him. I understand you have things you need to do, but times are really odd and he’s struggling.
Sadly rage is his response, you can help him with that.

Although I didn't experience anything quite as full on, when my son was a similar age he would often stomp around saying he was bored. How about learning a musical instrument? My son had a second hand acoustic guitar which he taught himself to play at 13 and nowadays he's an accomplished musician. This led to electric guitars a couple of years later and by the age of 17 he was playing in bands and being paid for it. It gave him lots of confidence for university and his working life.
He also took up bread making and baking around the same time. Really useful skills to have, it's just a case of finding a hobby he can do alone.
Good luck!

@Splattherat

Wanting to go for a walk together is lovely but OP has been on holiday and she has work to do in the home and working from home.

At thirteen he can help around the house, though? There's no reason why OP should be doing it all herself.

I agree absolutely in theory yes but I know here and with friends in real life not on mumsnet this isn’t the reality. Hope you have a better day OP.