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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to this is Not an emotional affair?

41 replies

InArundel · 03/08/2020 19:13

Name changed because the usual username is associated with my location, career etc.

I‘m in touch with someone I used to work with, let’s call him J. After I left that job, J and I kept in touch. Initially it was the odd question about handover. Then we had a few video calls. Then we started texting about other things. I don’t know how many texts other people send to each other. We text a fair bit about everything.

J and I are in a niche field of work. Not many people get it. We do. So we do shower each other with praise. If he’s having an off day and needs someone to boost him up, he will text me. We provide each other with support we don’t get elsewhere because in reality not many people get it.

We have had the odd physical compliments but definitely nothing sexual.

My sister visited after lockdown and J was texting. She hinted that I am having an emotional affair.

There is definitely nothing emotional.

YABU - This is an emotional affair
YANBU - This is not an emotional affair

OP posts:
Sootikinstew · 03/08/2020 19:15

It's not sexual, yet.

JuniperFather · 03/08/2020 19:15

I'm presuming you have a partner, hence framing it as an affair.

Here's the simple question you have to answer in my view.

If you were single, and you both went out for a night out of drinks, and he made a pass at you, would you be happy about it? and would you also make a pass at him perhaps?

If that's the case, then everything you do and interact, is under that proviso really.

I have female friends I'm in touch with, with whom I never have this dimension or issue. Because I know that even when I was single, there was no scenario like that where I would make a move.

Sootikinstew · 03/08/2020 19:15

The marker for me is would you want your other half to read the messages you send?

Original poster
InArundel · 03/08/2020 19:18

@Sootikinstew my OH would not get it. Our texts would be irrelevant to anyone else TBH.

Where do you draw the line? It is friendship surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
InArundel · 03/08/2020 19:20

@JuniperFather interesting point of view.

I don’t know what we would have done if single. I don’t think we are each other’s type. I’m nothing like his DW & he’s nothing like my DH.

OP posts:
blobbyface · 03/08/2020 19:21

As someone else said if you're happy for your partner to read the messages it's ok. Happened to my dh... started off as friends but got out of hand and was multiple messages every day. It didn't look good when I discovered it.

Plmoknijb123 · 03/08/2020 19:21

I think if your OH was doing the same with someone else would you be jealous? If you would it’s an emotional affair

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 03/08/2020 19:24

Let it go, let it go... like in Frozen @InArundel

RowenaCoxwell · 03/08/2020 19:24

Hi OP, you say your OH wouldn’t get it, are you saying that your text exchanges are a secret from your OH? Secrecy is a marker of an EA, are you texting only when your OH is not around?

Original poster
InArundel · 03/08/2020 19:24

@blobbyface I would not want DH to read the messages because some messages are private. I would also not want DH to read my girlfriends messages, no affair there.

OP posts:
Pizzapromotion · 03/08/2020 19:25

I have a friend like this. Unfortunately we are both aware that we are/have been on the brink of something and have really cut back contact. We have often wished we were the same sex (note, not that we were both single) to make our relationship less "complicated".

I don't think Juniper's test makes sense. If you like and respect someone, enjoy their company and were both single, why wouldn't you? That doesn't mean you will have an affair with everyone you meet who fulfils those criteria.

Ellisandra · 03/08/2020 19:25

There are three tests, for me:

  • would you genuinely be happy for your partner to see the frequency and content of messages?
  • does the amount of time you spend messaging him mean you have less time for your partner
  • does your closeness with your friend mean that you dilute the emotional relationship with your partner? e.g. are there things that you would bring to him, but don’t because the other guy has filled that role already? I certainly have things I go to friends with first - if I’ve had a corporate bullshit day, I go to my friend who works in corporate bullshit, not my husband who has had his own fencing business forever. So it’s not that I think you have to only go to a husband. But if there are funny news stories, or worries about Covid generally - stuff like that - that you never get round to talking to your partner about because you’ve “used them up” on this guy - then I think it is diluting from what you should give to your relationship
Original poster
InArundel · 03/08/2020 19:25

@Plmoknijb123 OK, I would be jealous if DH had this relationship with someone else. But I don’t see it as my cheating on DH though.

OP posts:
Original poster
InArundel · 03/08/2020 19:28

@Pizzapromotion this really saddens me. I’m exactly there. No one would have questioned this if we were the same sex.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 03/08/2020 19:28

@InArundel in light of your comment to a PP, I’ll clarify my comment about being happy for your husband to see the messages. I too send messages to my friends that I don’t want him to see! But it’s about the reason for the privacy. If they’re private because you know they’re overly intimate, you need to be honest about that.

TomNook · 03/08/2020 19:28

Do you want to fuck him?

Have you imagined fucking him?

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 03/08/2020 19:30

So you wouldn't be comfortable for your DH to see the messages, cant definitively say you wouldn't hypothetically be open to him making a move if you were both single and would be jealous if you're DH had a similar relationship with another woman?

The combination of those has me agreeing with your sister.

Original poster
InArundel · 03/08/2020 19:30

@Ellisandra OK... I am guilty of this.

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 03/08/2020 19:33

Mine has a female friend who he met at work, they don’t work together any more. They text a fair amount and it’s definitely not an emotional affair, there’s no emotion involved whatsoever.

MN infuriates me on this subject, there’s a total inability to understand that there can be any opposite sex relationship where one or both aren’t chafing at the bit to rip each other’s clothes off. It’s really demeaning.

Ifailed · 03/08/2020 19:36

It is an EA, and you know it is. If it wasn't you'd just stop it and it would be easy, but it isn't is it?

blobbyface · 03/08/2020 19:36

I knew my dh texted this woman - I didn't know they texted so much every day. Usually about work, but she would also send photos of herself asking for his opinion of a dress etc. He also deleted the messages every day. He knew it would hurt me - that was a sign there was something not right and he knew it.

If none of that applies to you and your dh would not be upset by the amount of texting/what you're texting then you're fine.

VinylDetective · 03/08/2020 19:37

@Ifailed

It is an EA, and you know it is. If it wasn't you'd just stop it and it would be easy, but it isn't is it?
What an absurd thing to say. Why would you relinquish a friendship because someone else thinks it’s something it isn’t?
Pizzapromotion · 03/08/2020 19:38

I have lots of (Ok, a few) friendships I'd be sad to let go of Ifailed, I'm not having an EA with any of them.

I agree being opposite sex does complicate things and you do both need to be self aware more so than in other friendships but I don't think that's fair assumption.

I do think OP's relationship sounds like an EA.

hammeringinmyhead · 03/08/2020 19:41

If you would be jealous of your DH having this level of contact/intimacy with another woman then you know the answer.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 03/08/2020 19:42

Out of curiosity Pizzapromotion would you be jealous if your partner had similar friendships?