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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to this is Not an emotional affair?

41 replies

InArundel · 03/08/2020 19:13

Name changed because the usual username is associated with my location, career etc.

I‘m in touch with someone I used to work with, let’s call him J. After I left that job, J and I kept in touch. Initially it was the odd question about handover. Then we had a few video calls. Then we started texting about other things. I don’t know how many texts other people send to each other. We text a fair bit about everything.

J and I are in a niche field of work. Not many people get it. We do. So we do shower each other with praise. If he’s having an off day and needs someone to boost him up, he will text me. We provide each other with support we don’t get elsewhere because in reality not many people get it.

We have had the odd physical compliments but definitely nothing sexual.

My sister visited after lockdown and J was texting. She hinted that I am having an emotional affair.

There is definitely nothing emotional.

YABU - This is an emotional affair
YANBU - This is not an emotional affair

OP posts:

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 03/08/2020 19:43

Not that Im suggesting they are inappropriate, just that the jealousy aspect mentioned above would be one of the things that differentiates a normal friendship from an EA

Pizzapromotion · 03/08/2020 19:45

My friendships, apart from the one I mentioned earlier, which we have recognised has the potential to become problem, are with women. I'm not jealous of DH's male friends, no.

It was the assertion that it must be EA because otherwise OP would easily walk away I found odd, when I think we all have perfectly normal friendships we'd be sad to lose.

Serialcatmum · 03/08/2020 19:48

I have a (male) coworker that I often text - sometimes not for a few days but then we can be quite intense with our messages. We are both very complementary.
We say inappropriate jokes. But I’d also do this with female friends.

I don’t fancy him, I often laugh and tell my husband what we are saying.

I wouldn’t want my husband reading the messages. They are messages to my friend. I am definitely NOT having and EA.

Thislittlelady · 03/08/2020 19:50

Apparently if you text someone of the opposite sex ( or same sex or similar sex or no sex) your having an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR!!! Dun dun dun!!! Stop worrying. So you text a colleague. Big deal. This world is going to hell in a handbag if we have to question every single tiny thing we ever dare to think of doing. Or dream about. Apparently you can be having an affair in your sleep... who knew.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 03/08/2020 19:51

Thanks, I agree re. valuing a friendship can be just that - a treasured friendship.

OP, in most cases I roll my eyes when opposite sex friendships get lambasted on here. In this case - you wouldn't be happy for your partner to see whats being sent between you and this other man, and wouldn't like it if your partner did the same. I think you need to consider why that is.

hammeringinmyhead · 03/08/2020 19:54

@RealLifeHotWaterBottle

Thanks, I agree re. valuing a friendship can be just that - a treasured friendship.

Agree. And he isn't a colleague any more so it's not like the physical compliments and more intimate stuff is here and there in amongst work-related contact.

MrsKin90 · 03/08/2020 20:19

On the OP I would have put no. Having read your replies I voted YABU. It IS an emotional affair. You're doing something you don't want your DH to know about and you wouldn't be happy if he had the same friendship with someone of the opposite sex. I don't know how you can question it really. It isn't fair on your DH. I'd personally withdraw a little bit until you'd be willing to leave the messages open in front of your DH. Not that you have to and don't deserve your privacy, but IMO that's a good way to test when you've crossed the line.

Ifailed · 03/08/2020 20:58

Why would you relinquish a friendship because someone else thinks it’s something it isn’t?
It's not just a friendship - read OP's comments, she knows it's not.

Original poster

InArundel · 03/08/2020 21:30

Dsis can be over the top sometimes, I was not sure.

With hindsight I think that J has taken some of DH’s space. It’s more the joke and the meme that I send him, there has never been and will never be anything sexual with J. The reason why I wouldn’t want DH to see the messages is not the content per day. It’s more that DH might be hurt and interpret things different to what they actually are.

I’m not sure what to do. I think I need to reduce contact with J. I will miss him though.

OP posts:

SarahBellam · 03/08/2020 21:48

I text a male colleague about work and advice regularly, and vice versa, and occasionally it tips into ‘what are you having for dinner - I need inspiration’ territory. The difference is that my DP is fully aware of the exchanges. I’ll often text in front of him and if my colleague says something funny or useful I’ll read it out and DP may come back with funny responses. He’s also met him on a few occasions and knows that although we get along well, there’s no chance in hell we’d ever get together. If it’s like that, then no problem. If it’s not then that might be something you need to think about.

Pizzapromotion · 03/08/2020 21:52

Mine's a J too and I'm afraid the (unlikely though it may be) thought he might have two BFFs is more cutting than it should be.

Frazzled13 · 03/08/2020 22:09

I have a similar relationship with a male ex colleague.
DH knows I text him (but hasn't him) and I'd be happy for DH to read most of the messages although he'd have no interest as friend still works at the company where we met and it's a bit of a shit show so a lot of our messages are him ranting about certain people/processes and me asking nosy questions. Friend has had some mental health issues in the past, as have I, and we do talk about it sometimes so while I'd be happy for DH to read anything I've written, there might be some messages from friend I wouldn't show DH, just out of consideration for privacy - the same would apply to female friends. I'd be very hurt, and probably angry, if DH thought I was having an emotional affair.

The question I'd ask you in determining if it's heading towards an emotional affair is does your partner know/are you trying to hide the extent to which you talk to this friend and the nature of the conversations?

Frazzled13 · 03/08/2020 22:10

*hasnt met him

conduitoffortune · 03/08/2020 22:11

I have a friendship a bit like this, we have a niche interest but message about lots of different things, every day. There is absolutely no sexual attraction from either side. I would liken him to being like a brother, close friend and confidante. I would be really sad if the friendship came to an end but his wife has absolutely no issue with the friendship. I probably wouldn't have wanted my ex partner to read our messages, only in the same vein I would take if he had read my trail of messages with any of my female friends. That doesn't have to mean there are spurious reasons behind it, I don't think anyone would be happy with their partner reading through entire conversations regardless of who they were with because it's a bit intrusive. Have never, ever been flirty. If he ever confided in me that he was cheating on his wife or anything like that I would fall out with him, like I would with any other friend.

CrazyToast · 03/08/2020 22:21

It is possible to have a close friendship with a member of the opposite sex, to go to them for support and for them to be a part of your life, without it being an affair.

Only you can know if there is an EA here. Don't listen to other people who just assume there is cos he is man. But also be honest with yourself about it.

oopsiedaisy2 · 03/08/2020 22:26

Unless you feel there is a mutual attraction that could turn sexual no it is not an emotional affair. I have a work collegue , there is only two of us in a team and we speak a lot , face time daily , text and send meme a lot too. We are the same sex so as we are both married/in relationships with men it's fine but apparently if she was male I could be seen to be having an emotional affair from doing the same thing .

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