Friend driving me insane

[rubicona]

Friend is pregnant and driving me a bit nuts. I have a 2 year old. She texts me every day asking about baby stuff, which nappies, asking how much she can drink, how much caffeine she can have, which car seat to buy, etc etc. It's every, single day about 3/4x a day. I get she's excited, I am excited for her, but not sure how to calm her down re the constant texting. She even wants to share nannies, or if I move to a local childminder, wants me to let her know so she can use the same one. I know I don't have ownership over childminders but I really just don't want this.

Am I being awful? Think I'm just exhausted by lockdown and my toddler...

Tell her to join Mumsnet where she’ll get all her answers...and delete this post

That's tiresome, especially if it's that often. Can you delay replying until once in the evening maybe, and then only give a cursory reply? If she keeps asking what she should/shouldn't do just reply "not sure cos advice changes all the time - I just googled it" or similar.

She's only 8 weeks pregnant and I also struggle to get excited early on. I have 6 miscarriages, one late term, 3 after 12 weeks.

My 'friend' was like this. Showed no interest whatsoever in my or other friends pregnancies or children but then when she was the first ever woman to get pregnant it was all we heard of. Completely ignored every message in our GC to reply with "can baby have mashed turnip" or something similar.

*I've had

@magicstar1 has the perfect answer !

or point her in the direction of a mum and babies group if there is one on line or irl .
Or where possible with things like nappies / baby food / car seats say oohh things have changes since I last bought them for a new born why dont you sign up to Which Magazine / MN .

I feel like a horrible person. I don't want her to use the same nanny/childminder but I literally can't stop her.

You could just tell her. Say “I really am busy with looking after toddler at the moment. Maybe your midwife would know.” Or “advice is probably different from when I was pregnant”.

Just take ages to reply to her texts and give very minimal answers. Don’t give any more information about your childcare situation.

Basically tell her you’re not the advice line and then reinforce that in how you deal with her questions.

She's asked for the contact details of our nanny, I can't just not give them to her, can I?

@rubicona

She's asked for the contact details of our nanny, I can't just not give them to her, can I?

Of course you can! Just ignore the message!

Oh see I’ve got a friend pregnant for the first time with twins and she asks me questions al the time and it doesn’t bother me at all! I’m also pregnant and have two toddlers so I know the answers to most of the questions she asks (sometimes though I’m still so clueless 😂) it’s her first and she’s nervous, especially given Covid, so it’s literally not bothered me at all! Although she does also ask about my pregnancy/children and is a good friend so I don’t feel like it’s all one sided or anything

Just say there’s a list online of registered childcare providers.

There are some great books out there on this. Suggest she buy one.

Also to give her the contact details is out of order if your nanny doesn’t publicise them.

I'm more stressed out by the nanny situation as there will only be so many times I can skirt around it. This whole thing is making me feel guilty

Why feel guilty? She’s not completely dependent on you. She’s capable of doing internet searches and finding stuff out for herself.

@Rainbowshine I'm just sure a lot of friends would love to share a nanny and I feel like I'm being a bad friend for not wanting this. I like the fact that I put a lot of research in to the nanny/childminder and that I don't have to see friends or family whilst I'm there doing pick ups, and Christmas/Easter activities etc.

Why is it an issue if she uses the same childminder?

I would also speak to your nanny and if you trust her tell her that you’d be uncomfortable with a nanny share with this person, in case they ask.

If friend asks for her details just say you have the nanny’s private number and she can look up the number for enquires on the registered childcarers list that’s online.

Tell her you can't give the nanny's details without her permission and then don't get it

Just text back 'I don't want to give details of my nanny sorry' and move on, you need to find a way to stem the madness, perhaps if she's a bit miffed that may be a good thing, especially as it's too early on to be pestering nannies.

Childminder I can understand but why would she assume she can use your nanny? Does she work exclusively for you at your home? Say 'A nanny share wouldn't really work for us'. I would probably offer to ask your nanny jf she knows anyone that will be looking for a job by the time she is in need of one.

of course you can!
speak to your nanny and tell her - it's up to her whether she has the time to take another client/family.
Then you discuss boundaries with your nanny - that if she chooses to take on your friend as a client, she keeps the two jobs separate.....no 'sharing' drop off/collections/childminding etc on your time and money.

Cos you can bet your friend will 'innocently' (but not) take the piss!

I know regardless of whether she used the same nanny or when we move, childminder, that she will ask for lift shares etc and will try and work out doing the same days etc.

She’s asking you, surely shows she thinks you’re a good parent and wants advice. You can mute her and reply in one message.