13 yr old daughter on sugar daddy site WWYD?

[katedan]

Found out yesterday that a month ago my 13 yr old daughter joined a sugar daddy website. I have looked at her account and can see men have messaged her. The photo used is her but she made her DOB to make her 20 so my understanding is it is not a police matter as they will say they thought they were messaging a 20 year old despite her photo clearly being of someone younger. DH and I are fuming and very shocked and upset. She says she was bored when the schools were closed but i cant believe she was so naive. She has lost her phone, tablet and laptop for the rest of the summer holidays but I want to know what I should do. Do you think it is a police matter? Account still open so I am tempted to message these dirty old men back and say she is 13!!!! She has always been impressed by money and would joke about marrying a billionaire but I never thought she would do this, she is clear she would not send topless/naked photos and had no intention of meeting anyone but the whole thing makes me feel sick.

OP there is another thread under another username with the exact post. Why have you posted this twice and under different usernames?

Its very important to report this, other children might not have such on the ball parents to catch this like you did. Maybe CEOP? I would speak to the police for advice. I work in a secondary school and I would be referring a student in this situation for CSE specialist support (child sex exploitation). She clearly hasn’t thought about what could happen and where this could lead, that isn’t your fault, it happens and that’s why there are CSE workers trained to educate. It is a possibility that social services would become involved, please don’t be worried about this, they are there to help.

Glad to see you took away all of her electronics. This is serious stuff. In future, I'd only allow her to use them in living room/kitchen, and everything stays downstairs/locked up at night until she's more mature.

I am replying to this as I was your daughter a few (ok many) moons ago. I set up 'older' profiles of myself online and after a while was groomed and assaulted off the back of it.

You need to take your focus away from the men on the website who from their perspective were talking to a 20 year old woman, and start really paying attention to your daughter. She may be reaching out for attention (I sure was at that age)

I would message the sugar daddy website and alert them that their age verification process is clearly lacking, I would then book some counselling sessions for you, and your daughter to attend.

Also as smile said, let the safeguarding lead know at school. It is important that school know of anyone who is vulnerable, there won’t be any judgement but they will be able to support her.

The men on this site must know she’s not 20 though. If she looks older than 13 that’s one thing but I bet she doesn’t look 20. I bet she doesn’t type like a 20 year old either.

How did your DD know about the website ?

Please report it op. How did she even further Nd our about it? School definitely need to know too. Questions about grooming and alsorts arise. Please report so you can best protect her.

In all honesty, if you can, I'd get someone in from the police cybercrime people to have a word with her.

I don't know what it is about girls this age - they don't seem to understand exactly how much trouble they could create for themselves.

Situation local to me - one 12/13yo girl must have a fake age on her tiktok account as she is quite frequently seen gyrating in just a bra and micro shorts on there, and tiktok are supposed to police how much flesh is on show.

Ex-friends of hers (also 12/13) decided to "teach her a lesson" so set up a fake account pretending to be a 17yo boy and asking for nude photos, which the first girl then sent. (FFS!! Do they NEVER fecking learn?!)

These nudes then went around several other students at three schools, one of whom reported it to the police. Police came and had a stern word with the girls who did this - and hopefully the girl who sent the nude photos! - but nothing further was done because of their age, and, I believe, because they were girls and not boys.

One of them is my friend's daughter. She is autistic and because there have been no consequences, she can't really see what she did wrong. It hasn't negatively affected her (apart from the humiliation of the police interviewing her) and so there is no telling whether or not she learnt anything.

The girl who sent the nudes of herself - I hope the police have had a stern word with her too, and explained just what sort of trouble she could have got herself into, if that was a grown man obtaining photos of her, rather than 2 pissed-off ex friends. And, as the photos are now "out there", grown men could quite easily get hold of them :(

So police, if they have a community officer who would be willing to talk to her.

How did you find out about her account?

I can understand your anger at the men who she's been messaging, but it's probably misdirected.

Your 13 year old was on this site for a whole month and you didn't realise. She needs some help. And you need to have a look at the freedom you've given her with devices and access to the internet, and your online parental controls. You're really lucky you discovered this when you did.

I'm sure you have already talked to her in depth, but do you know how she found out what a sugar daddy even is? (presumably chats with friends, i bet she's not the only one)
Also have you been able to read the content of what she spoke to them about?

I absolutely hate the Internet! It is so so dangerous for children and teenagers.

Personally I'm very into girls doing sport and feeling the power of their own bodies and getting used to being in control of their bodies for themselves, not being in control in relation to men. I mean something like boot camp or a martial art - no mirrors! She's learning that she can use her body to have power over men and this feels like power. Learning that her body doesn't need male attention to be powerful is something I prefer

I love this response! Can I just say, that - at the other end of the age spectrum, getting in demanding physical activities, has really helped me psychologically with ageing. Instead of obsessing on wrinkles and sagging skin, I feel great about what my body is able to do and how it is strong and capable. So yep, I support this with teenage girls and middle aged women like me - stop obsessing on how shaggable men find your body and focus on how it gives power and strength! instead!

Like these men don’t know there are underage girls there, messaging the creeps will just give them a thrill. Ceops, police ans safeguarding lead.

Personally I'm very into girls doing sport and feeling the power of their own bodies and getting used to being in control of their bodies for themselves, not being in control in relation to men. I mean something like boot camp or a martial art - no mirrors! She's learning that she can use her body to have power over men and this feels like power. Learning that her body doesn't need male attention to be powerful is something I prefer

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Much depends on whether she is a mature or young 13 year old, and whether she understands the connotations of, 'Sugar Daddy,' as it's possible she hasn't joined up the dots.

DD1 when she was younger enabled a chat facility on a game and a guy sent her a photo of himself and she sent a photo of herself. It was entirely innocent. He really did look (at the time) 12 years old, and wanted mostly to chat about the game.

Don't assume that she is being exploited, but try and get her to talk to you about why she posted and get the conversation going, and then report as needed.

I have a 12 year old boy at home, and I am aware they get curious about porn and adult material at that age. He is very tech savvy and would be able to access all sorts of material if he wanted. I have a parent block on all devices, and I have educated him in broad terms about the dark side of adult industries such as the links between porn and trafficking, and how the sexual services industry is littered with victims of all sorts of persecution. I have also shown him photographs of what different types of STD's look like, and told him there are many that are not symptomatic but affect you long-term. You say your girl is naive, but she probably isn't that naive if she managed to navigate an adult site like that. She is vulnerable to grooming, but all you can do at this age is monitor her internet activity and explain why websites such as sugar daddy are so exploitative and dangerous (in terms of meeting predatory men with a cheque book, catching sexual infections, allowing men to cheat on their partners etc). You could also go for the 'not cool' angle outlining how the men using these websites are generally sad cases who just want to buy a body, like a pair of shoes. Ask her if she wants to be associated with not cool.

Have you contacted the site to request that they delete your daughter's data under GDPR right to erasure? You might want to get a copy of the data first, especially any messages she may have received/sent.

Can’t do link, sorry but please look at ThinkUKnow website.
There’s a section for parents and carers.

Use this as an opportunity as a family to openly discuss internet safety, grooming and ensure that your DD knows she can speak to you.

My DC are older but when I realised I needed to educate myself on some of this stuff, I started with the ChildLine website which I found really useful.

Also CEOP has good, age appropriate information.

Something is off about this thread. Sugar daddy sites are fee paying so this 13 year old must have used a bank card.

They are not fee paying for the women

Would like to add that if you have removed her internet access, it might be an idea to help her into a summer hobby that will distract her from its absence and focus her mind - maybe something that she can do with you or other family members.

Also, on the money front, helping her into a part-time job where she can earn her own money would be ideal (although impossible at the moment) but sowing seeds of how this is achievable for the future would be a start.

CEOP are the government agency to be in contact with about the site not verifying age. They produce the 'think u know' stuff. They also have some online safety lessons. In your shoes I would have a look through them, and make my DD go through the sessions I deem appropriate as a condition of getting any tech back. Not a punishment, a way ensure that she knows how to behave safely.

www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/
These people might be able to help and advise you.

CEOP are the government agency to be in contact with about the site not verifying age.

The requirement for websites offering adult services to actively verify subscribers ages has yet to be implemented in law.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proposed_UK_Internet_age_verification_system

Primarily because it would have required a degree of trust in the governments competence that has never been justified.

I would imagine that every little girl posting on a sugar daddy website is required to pretend she's old enough for sexual consent, and every man there knows it . So the fact she said she's 20 is just an accepted lie, par for the course.

I'd certainly notify police, no doubt they take an interest in men who target the very youngest sex partners online.