13 yr old daughter on sugar daddy site WWYD?

[katedan]

Found out yesterday that a month ago my 13 yr old daughter joined a sugar daddy website. I have looked at her account and can see men have messaged her. The photo used is her but she made her DOB to make her 20 so my understanding is it is not a police matter as they will say they thought they were messaging a 20 year old despite her photo clearly being of someone younger. DH and I are fuming and very shocked and upset. She says she was bored when the schools were closed but i cant believe she was so naive. She has lost her phone, tablet and laptop for the rest of the summer holidays but I want to know what I should do. Do you think it is a police matter? Account still open so I am tempted to message these dirty old men back and say she is 13!!!! She has always been impressed by money and would joke about marrying a billionaire but I never thought she would do this, she is clear she would not send topless/naked photos and had no intention of meeting anyone but the whole thing makes me feel sick.

[piscean10]

I would really tear in to her. She knew what she was doing, lying about her age. Give her a big talk about respect. She is a little snippet acting way too big for her boots.

[Danglingmod]

Definitely do not forget to tell school. Safeguarding officer needs to know to be able to keep an eye/refer to appropriate agencies if relevant, etc.

Also, I'd put Net Nanny or similar on her devices when you do give them back. Gives you a weekly report of sires visited, search terms used etc.

Ds's devices had it on until he was 16. Non-negotiable.

[AdobeWanKenobi]

@Ohfredcomeon

Something is off about this thread. Sugar daddy sites are fee paying so this 13 year old must have used a bank card.

OP has been here since at least 2008, so if she's trolling then she's been playing the long game for 12 years 😂

[JosephineDeBeauharnais]

@helloareyouthere

Personally I'm very into girls doing sport and feeling the power of their own bodies and getting used to being in control of their bodies for themselves, not being in control in relation to men. I mean something like boot camp or a martial art - no mirrors! She's learning that she can use her body to have power over men and this feels like power. Learning that her body doesn't need male attention to be powerful is something I prefer

I love this response! Can I just say, that - at the other end of the age spectrum, getting in demanding physical activities, has really helped me psychologically with ageing. Instead of obsessing on wrinkles and sagging skin, I feel great about what my body is able to do and how it is strong and capable. So yep, I support this with teenage girls and middle aged women like me - stop obsessing on how shaggable men find your body and focus on how it gives power and strength! instead!

This ^

[Kaiserin]

Not sure about the legal aspect, but I think you should focus your energy on your child: she messed up big time.

I understand you're probably shocked, horrified, and feeling very protective of her. But she needs to be told in no uncertain terms what an absolute fool she's been. Her obsession with getting rich is concerning. She is at risk of doing the same thing, or worse, at some point in the future.
You may want to scare the shit out of her a bit: tell her what has happened, for real, to girls who got groomed (worst case scenario? raped and murdered), trafficked, drugged, revenge-porned, etc.
She's old enough to NOT be spared the gory details. She needs to understand this isn't a game. This isn't about whether she gets grounded and mummy and daddy are pissed off. The real world is not nice, and doesn't play fair, and young women are prey, and she just foolishly tiptoed into the deep end, with (very probably) no idea how far that kind of stuff goes.

[SummerSnapdragon]

This organisation has a lot of information about how to set up age appropriate controls as well as some good suggestions of how to talk about children encountering adult content and how and who to complain to. www.internetmatters.org

[ItsAllAFugazi]

I think its very naive to say a 13 year old wouldn’t be fully aware of what a sugardaddy is! They’d only have to watch channel 5 or BBC3 after 9pm to find out, there’s been numerous documentaries showing a very large percentage of teenage girls are paying for their uni education and extravagant lifestyles this way.

[Brutalhonestybrigade]

Hmm, I actually did this when I was a similar age. Set up a profile on a dating website pretending I was 19, talking to men and asking them for pictures etc. I don't want to victim blame here, but I think it's a little naive to assume everyone at that age would have 'no idea' what they were doing. I very much did this on purpose and got a kick out of it. I never sent any compromising material of myself, used public computers to make sure I wouldn't get caught and never used my real name, photos or email address. I'm not proud of it, but it happened and it's not always a child who doesn't know what she's doing scenario. This is why I think you should focus on here, not them. Though definitely report the website for their shoddy age verification software.

[Willowblue40]

I’d log on to it and update her bio telling everyone her age, also would contact the group moderators and have her taken off/blocked

[JBizz]

@Ohfredcomeon

Something is off about this thread. Sugar daddy sites are fee paying so this 13 year old must have used a bank card.

They aren’t fee paying for the women...

[katedan]

Thank you to everyone who has offered useful advice it has given me some in roads as to practical things I can do. I am aware I need to have a serious discussion with her now that the dust has settled. We check phones etc daily and her Instagram etc but tbh her internet use had gone up due to home schooling and she normally would not have her laptop upstairs which is a house rule but due to online lessons it was allowed, not an excuse we should have been more vigilant. We found out as she made no attempt to hide it, her e mails come up on my laptop and last night I noticed odd messages and went in and then DH checked her tablet and it was evident. It has actually been a week since she started it looking at the account not a month like she said. She has entered no payment details as it is free for females. I feel so naive as I work in safeguarding and I am afraid I fell into the false position that my daughter would never do this. Neither DH or I are good with computers and we have never had any problems with my 17 year old son misusing the internet so we were in a false sense of security.

[Purpleartichoke]

In addition to restricting internet for now and heavily supervising once she is allowed back on, I would look into getting her therapy. A therapist can help her address an underlying problem if one exists and also help her develop a stronger sense of self-worth.

[whattimeisitrightnow]

She is a little snippet acting way too big for her boots.

She is a thirteen year old girl who has been exposed to sexual content online, may well have been groomed or manipulated, and was not properly monitored when using her phone and computer. You sound just lovely.

[Isadora2007]

She's learning that she can use her body to have power over men and this feels like power. Learning that her body doesn't need male attention to be powerful is something I prefer.

This as @minimagician said. With bells on!

[merryhouse]

@whattimeisitrightnow when I was younger than 10 I was reading Jean Plaidy historical novels which featured kings' mistresses: believe me I knew perfectly well that they were doing whatever it is that makes babies in exchange for money and presents (and power - I quite fancied being Barbara Villiers at one point).

[Flowers009]

They don't know she is 13 so it's not a police matter.
She needs to come off instagram or whatever it is which is making her interested in this stuff.

Do you know what celebs she likes?

[whattimeisitrightnow]

Right, so say she does know exactly what she’s doing. Has she considered the long-term consequences? Does she know that it’s illegal for her to be sending others nude photos of herself, if that’s what this entails? Does she know how this might well haunt her into her adult life? Knowing what a sugar daddy is does not mean that she fully understands all the implications that this will have for her life.

[ginandbearit]

The thing is if she savvy enough to know about sugar daddies and has expressed ideas around marrying for money she will probably be aware of and admire the whole WAG lifestyle thing..there are swathes of sites and influencers extolling the whole yacht girl thing and getting rich by getting rich men . Instead of attacking her for wanting this point her to women like Emma Gammon and other exciting women getting their success through their work and businesses...dont push her into defensively pretending she doesnt want blingy lifestyle stuff ..just show her there's another way .

[Lelophants]

Do you think she might have a fake id op?

[RoseMartha]

You can call the police. I spoke to them when my dd did something similar.

They wanted to see the phone and the pictures that had been received.

They also visited us to speak to her about keeping herself safe.

[randomchap]

Neither DH or I are good with computers and we have never had any problems with my 17 year old son misusing the internet so we were in a false sense of security

I find it hard to believe that your 17 year old son has never misused the internet, he's probably just far better at covering his tracks.

With computers/internet being of such importance these days, you should really look into learning more about them.

[Yolande7]

Paedophiles are clever. My 13 year old daughter was targeted by one and he deleted the most compromising messages right after my daughter read them. What I am trying to say is: You don't really know what happened even after reading the messages. A 13 year looks and responds very differently to a 20 year old and paedophiles would be aware of that. Until a few days ago you did not know that she was on this site, so I would be careful with believing her that she has not send anything compromising. I would involve a professional and see what they say.

I would be careful with banning her from all technical gadgets because like that your daughter will never tell you anything ever again. It was my daughter's greatest worry that we would ban her from Instagram after she was groomed there.

This is a good video on grooming: "I think I have a crush on you"
You can switch on English subtitles in the video's settings.

[BertieBotts]

If she says she's done it for a month rather than the week her account says, are you sure she doesn't have another account/been using another site?