To feel a little jealous/upset

[Ginfor2]

I had a baby 6 months ago, 5 weeks before lockdown.
I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and OCD and have really suffered.

I have only told my two very close friends, husband and mum about my diagnosis.

My brothers girlfriend had their second baby 12 weeks ago.
We get on well, but in all honesty I take her with a pinch of salt as she's what I'd describe as very "up and down".

She's quite well known for posting a lot about how she's feeling on social media.
Even before their 2nd baby was born she'd post status updates saying things like "had enough" "I'm such a shit mum" "what's the point anymore"

She has over 1500 friends on Facebook and always gets 100's of responses to her updates, saying how great she is, how well she is doing etc, and sometimes I can't help but think she posts just for the attention.

Since their 2nd baby has been born these updates have become even more of a regular occurrence.

I've had several conversations with her as I myself am struggling and I know what it feels like, (even though Ive never told her) but each time, she tells me that she's fine and she's just had "one of those days".
I've suggested she speak to her HV/GP but she says she doesn't feel like she needs to.

Well tonight she's posted another one of her social media statuses, and since the update I've had text messages from two separate mutual friends asking me if she's okay and telling me to keep an eye on her as they're worried.

One of the mutual friends then set up a group chat with a few of SIL other friends and some of our family members.
She has asked us all to chip in to get her some flowers delivered to help her through this tough time.

Without sounding self centred I couldn't help but feel upset that absolutely neither of these girls have recognised how bad I've felt, but worse, they haven't even taken the time to ask how I am.
I would love someone else to talk to and say out loud how I'm feeling, but I've been too scared to say anything as I also don't want to burden anyone with my problems, hence I've only told a few people.

I can't decide if I feel in a strange way, jealous of SIL or just annoyed at our mutual friends for not recognising I'm suffering or asking how I am and potentially inviting me to open up to them.

I know the girls aren't mind readers and unless I tell them, they aren't to know how I feel.
But I'm not the kind of person to post on social media so unless they ask how I am they aren't going to find out.

I don't know, I think I'd just love to have some flowers right now and for people to recognise I'm not ok.

You should respond in the group and ask. “ Do you think I should say something to her again even though she always says she’s okay , as I feel the same way often but just don’t like speaking about it on social media. The posts are a cry for help for an in person conversation right. I suppose me posting this message is also my cry for help”

She's been very public with her feelings and you perhaps have not.thats all. People can't mind read.

If you want people to recognise you're not ok, you really do need to speak up and tell them.

Not everyone finds it easy to do that though, through fear of being judged.

Just like you've judged this struggling mother by mentioning how many FB friends she has and that you think she sometimes posts for attention.

Of course she posts for attention because she's struggling.

It's not easy to open up and you don't have to do it on social media but you should probably let a few more trusted people 'in', otherwise they'll never know

@WorraLiberty

If you want people to recognise you're not ok, you really do need to speak up and tell them.

Not everyone finds it easy to do that though, through fear of being judged.

Just like you've judged this struggling mother by mentioning how many FB friends she has and that you think she sometimes posts for attention.

Of course she posts for attention because she's struggling.

It's not easy to open up and you don't have to do it on social media but you should probably let a few more trusted people 'in', otherwise they'll never know

I haven't judged her, I'm just stating how many friends she has on social media to point out that it's not just a handful of people she's telling.

You said you think she does it for attention.

Yes she does and now she's got that attention, it's making you feel bad that you don't have the same attention.

If you want the same, you have to speak up. Not necessarily on social media but at least to your closest friends/ family.

What's stopping you from doing that?

You haven’t told these people how you feel. They cannot mind read.

@WorraLiberty

You said you think she does it for attention.

Yes she does and now she's got that attention, it's making you feel bad that you don't have the same attention.

If you want the same, you have to speak up. Not necessarily on social media but at least to your closest friends/ family.

What's stopping you from doing that?

I have said on my post I have told my two close friends, husband and mum :)

They are aware how I feel.

I'm not really the kind of person to message someone and tell them how I'm feeling.

If someone was to ask how I am I'd probably go into detail, but these mutual friends haven't even really asked.

I think half of my issue is I've always been the "fun" one, so the girls probably don't even consider that things have been hard.

I do recognise we all suffer in different ways, but SIL has been "vocal" on her social media for as long as I can remember, about various things.

I guess it just felt a bit like a kick in the teeth when I have two friend messaging me to keep an eye on SIL.

@2155User

You haven’t told these people how you feel. They cannot mind read.

@2155User but as I've stated, they haven't even asked 😞

sometimes I can't help but think she posts just for the attention.

She absolutely does it for the attention, there is literally no other reason to ever put anything on social media.

I have a sister who emotes all over SM and gets a load of sympathy for non-existent issues. It does my head in though I mainly try to ignore it. She posted a pic of me the other day, that I didn't know she had taken, had not seen before, didn't ask if I minded and didn't tag me, and said it was taken just before we were attacked by wasps. Cue a load of people worried that she is OK after the wasp attack. There was no attack, we just noticed there were a lot of wasps and decided to go somewhere else.

Anyway, the strategy to get attention is a successful one, people feed off it. I'm more private. I get less attention. I expect I'll live!

@VanGoghsDog

sometimes I can't help but think she posts just for the attention.

She absolutely does it for the attention, there is literally no other reason to ever put anything on social media.

I have a sister who emotes all over SM and gets a load of sympathy for non-existent issues. It does my head in though I mainly try to ignore it. She posted a pic of me the other day, that I didn't know she had taken, had not seen before, didn't ask if I minded and didn't tag me, and said it was taken just before we were attacked by wasps. Cue a load of people worried that she is OK after the wasp attack. There was no attack, we just noticed there were a lot of wasps and decided to go somewhere else.

Anyway, the strategy to get attention is a successful one, people feed off it. I'm more private. I get less attention. I expect I'll live!

I'm the same. Private.

I think part of me feels like she's not actually struggling much at all, this isn't a new thing for her to do.😕

Could you reply something like 'I understand your concerns as I've seen her posts online but I've got a lot on my own plate at the minute actually and am taking some to me to concentrate on myself '?

[quote Notredamn ]Could you reply something like 'I understand your concerns as I've seen her posts online but I've got a lot on my own plate at the minute actually and am taking some to me to concentrate on myself '? [/quote]
Good idea! I just hope they don't think I'm trying to turn thing around and make it about me. Which I'm not.

I meant to say 'taking some time to concentrate on me' but you know what I mean :) if they are decent, which they probably are since they've shown concern over SIL, then they'll understand.

And no one has 1500 real friends.

But OP, they recognised how bad your SIL felt because she told them. You didn’t. There’s really no point in a misery competition and no objective way of adjudicating between you, but you have different ways of dealing with tough times. It’s unfair of you to resent the attention your SIL gets because she’s more communicative about her distress, whereas you say you’re ‘too scared’ and ‘don’t want to burden people’ but are then cross people don’t realise.

@Thehorrorthehorror

But OP, they recognised how bad your SIL felt because she told them. You didn’t. There’s really no point in a misery competition and no objective way of adjudicating between you, but you have different ways of dealing with tough times. It’s unfair of you to resent the attention your SIL gets because she’s more communicative about her distress, whereas you say you’re ‘too scared’ and ‘don’t want to burden people’ but are then cross people don’t realise.

Yeah I completely understand what you're saying.

I guess I'm sort of frustrated with myself for not being more open, but unless someone asks how I am they won't find out. And they haven't asked!

@AriettyHomily

She's been very public with her feelings and you perhaps have not.thats all. People can't mind read.

Point!

Carry on as you are, op, please don't be jealous because that will make you feel worse.

You are more private than she which, in my book, is commendable.

I’m sorry that you are feeling crap op. It’s horrible, I went through it with two of mine.

Talking about it definitely helps imo. Maybe tell the group chat that you’ve spoken with her and shared your struggles and tell them her reply. Open the conversation, you might find it helps.

Could you perhaps say to one of your friends "hey, are you about for a catch up/FaceTime/call/whatever this week? Things are getting on top of me a bit/I've been having a rough few weeks and I just fancied/could do with a catch up." Let them take it from there?

Sometimes if someone has absolutely no idea there's something going on, they just don't think to ask. But if you're having a hard time and you feel you need more support, there are gentle ways you can flag it to your friends without feeling like you have to put it all out there without them showing at least some signs of being engaged.

Sorry you're having a hard time, OP - those early days/weeks/months are so, so hard

@octoberfarm

Could you perhaps say to one of your friends "hey, are you about for a catch up/FaceTime/call/whatever this week? Things are getting on top of me a bit/I've been having a rough few weeks and I just fancied/could do with a catch up." Let them take it from there?

Sometimes if someone has absolutely no idea there's something going on, they just don't think to ask. But if you're having a hard time and you feel you need more support, there are gentle ways you can flag it to your friends without feeling like you have to put it all out there without them showing at least some signs of being engaged.

Sorry you're having a hard time, OP - those early days/weeks/months are so, so hard

That's a good idea, thanks!!

Thank you

I feel for you OP. I have a relative who does the same. Its difficult when you're close enough to know the real story, so you can see how little it resembles the total bullshit online version of their life. When friends ask about her latest drama I'm quite noncommittal and say that offline all seems to be absolutely fine. I also refuse to engage in the online like/comment cycle.

I think I would say I'm afraid I've got too much going on in my own life right now and already speak to DSIL in real life, then leave that WhatsApp group.

In my mind it's not the people spouting off to 1500 of their closest strangers friends who usually need the help. It's the people quietly getting on with things who should be checked up on. It sounds like you're doing a sterling job OP

You keep saying they haven’t asked you how you’re doing, but they haven’t asked SIL either.

I get it though. I’m a private person and it would be nice to get the attention/support more open people get but it is what it is. I think it’s fine to tell them you think that’s nice what they’re wanting to do but you’re dealing with your own problems right now and won’t be able to contribute.

Hi OP,
My first DC was born the day before lockdown and absolutely I understand the difficulty you must be going through though as I've been finding new parenthood all incredibly hard as well.
But however hard you are finding things, it doesn't negate how hard things are for your SIL either. When people have asked me, other than a very few close friends and family, I have repeatedly insisted that I am fine because I don't want the fuss and attention from the masses, I am well contained by those closest to me. For your SIL, she may well be the kind of person who needs lots of reassuring and support from wider society in order to feel better and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and it is unfair of you to criticise her for doing what she needs to do to feel better about herself during such a difficult time. It's not my way of doing things and clearly not your way either but you do need to find what is actually going to work for you because this isn't actually about your SIL at all; any attention she gets does not negate your friends ability to be there for you also if that's what you want but you have to tell them how you're feeling in order for them to do that. I am assuming that those you have told are being supportive? But if you're feeling it's not enough then do branch out a bit wider; not necessarily to 1500 Facebook friends if that's not what you want but extend to your wider cricle of real friends. They sound like caring people they way they want to help your SIL, surely they will want to help you too if you just open up to them a bit more.
All the best xx

Hope you’re ok. I eventually left social media because of feeling like this due to what others posted etc and feelings of jealousy.
It was one of the best things I’ve done, you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel 😊

How about you use your mouth and speak up. Your SIL vocalised (by social media ) how she feels. And she gets a response . Which makes total sense.

You on the other hand , say nothing, hide your feelings BUT still expect people to ask you how you are. Don't blame others for not asking you. Blame yourself for not speaking up and by not telling others how you feel.

and if you don't like to see Sil's whiney updates all the time, just hide her comments and unfollow.simples