Husband calls parents multiple times a day

[Purpleburple123]

DH is very close to his parents who live about 3 hours away. He has always chatted to them on the phone regularly. Over the last 4 months we have been through a very tough time with his brother becoming mentally unwell and taking his own life and His Dad has been very unwell but is now recovering. We have a young baby.
We have spent a lot of time travelling to stay with them. Me at my parents with the baby and him at his parents. For the funeral, To help sort things out/offer support etc.
It's been incredibly exhausting not least because I have post natal insomnia and a baby that doesn't sleep well.
Now we are back at home DH speaks to his parents multiple times a day, texts/emails them and I'm finding it all a bit claustrophobic and intrusive. I'd like some alone time with DH to grieve ourselves and deal with my insomnia as I feel I'm getting very low in mood. I'm finding it hard hearing about their issues and their opinions on everything when all I want is to be alone with my husband and baby.
I understand that he is grieving and wants to be close to his parents at this time so it's a tricky one. We have spoken about my feelings which has just left me feeling very guilty and a bad wife & DIL.
Am I being unreasonable and selfish to want a little space?
We are in the middle of a planned move to live near both sets of parents in the coming months so will see them regularly then. That also worries me and I am concerned he will be with his parents all the time with our DS and we will be having our lives run for us.

It sounds tough but it is only four months since his DB died, in one of the most tragic ways possible, I think your DH and his parents will need a lot of time, understanding and compassion to cope with this.

Your husbands brother took his own life and I feel that that is probably why he’s in such close contact with his parents. He’s had a lot to deal with. You’re not being unreasonable to want to grieve with your husband but he’s not being unreasonable to want to grieve with his parents. Also I don’t think the distance will help any of them either until you’ve moved closer.

How would you feel if he had an issue with you keeping in contact with your family. I am not saying that you are, but your post sounds controlling.

How long is he actually on the phone for that it impacts on your time together?

YABU - sorry. It is very raw.

If it is all like this in18 months time then yes, maybe say something but please right now just be understanding. Time will pass and things will improve.

I don’t think you Abu but I am very similar to your dh. I would try to approach it from ‘I want to grieve with you’ rather than accusing and suggest speaking twice a day as an aim?

He and his parents have had a huge and traumatic loss. His Dad has been ill on top of this. After just a few months, I think it’s forgivable that your other half is keeping in very close touch. I don’t think it sounds as though you are a terrible wife, and I can see where you are coming from too. You have legitimate concerns I think. I just think that your hubby and his parents need a lot of support and understanding at this time. Your hubby must also be very concerned to make sure that his folks are okay.

I think YAB a bit U. It was his brother, his parents have lost a son. That plus the whole lockdown/Covid situation is terrible and your OH and his DP are leaning on each other right now. Give him and them time.

I used to phone my mum a lot per day as she was a type 1 diabetic and lived on her own. I also have no siblings so it fell to me. I liked to know that if she went hypo which happened quite often, then I knew when I'd sat spoken to her. It was only brief calls just to check in but I would at have been happy if my husband had a problem with it.

I do understand where you’re coming from but their grief is unimaginable and I think you have to let them work through it how they find helps

I don't know - I speak to my parents multiple
Times a day sometimes both via text and video call as we also have a small baby. we aren't grieving anyone but I would still be very affronted to be told by DH that this wasn't acceptable.
I think I speak so frequently though because they live far away. If they lived closer I wouldn't need to I think because I'd be able to see them a lot more and have proper face to face chats.
DH is also close to his parents and used to speak to them daily on the drive to work and so on but now due to lockdown he doesn't so much as we can see them more frequently.
I'm sorry you're suffering though, I also have a baby that doesn't sleep and it plays havoc with your mental well being. But sadly you can't lean on your DH for that right now because he has his own Challenges and grieving to do and he won't be strong enough to support you too.
Have you spoken to your doctor?

Oh you poor things what a tough time you have both been going through

Please ignore the PP who said your post sounds controlling, utter nonsense and I see no point in kicking you when you are down.

It's completely understandable that you want and need support from your husband, and for him to spend time with you and baby. I do also understand why your husband has devoted so much time and energy to his parents during this difficult time, I guess the question is was he like that even before his brother died, and are there family dynamics that make it hard for him to set boundaries?

This may well sound obvious but you need to both be kind to each other and keep talking about how you can support each other and find some kind of compromise when it comes to contact with his family that means you will still have some time and energy for each other.

It's hard enough as it is with a young baby so I do really feel for you. If you are struggling to communicate with each other and just fighting rather than resolving things, I strongly recommend couple's counselling if you can find the time and money. (It's possible to do it via video chat when baby is asleep so no need to use a babysitter.)

PS If i were you I'd get this thread moved to Relationships where you are likely to get more empathetic, supportive and helpful replies than AIBU where there will be more harsh ones!

I can understand how you feel, especially with lack of sleep and new baby but I do think you're BU. I speak to my mum probably 10 times a day on call or video chat with my son, I speak to my dad a couple of times a day too. They are my best friend and if my partner brought up the fact he wasn't too happy with it I would not be happy at all. It's very soon after a tragic death, I think you'll just have to let it go. Make sure you're catching up on sleep whenever you can though, if it's stopping your partner from helping you with the baby then say something x

Your DH is going through some of the most traumatic and high pressure times of an adult's life - his sibling has died which is probably made even worse in that he's taken his own life, his father has been unwell, he's had a baby and now moving house.

It sounds like you want to grieve in different ways, you want to be alone with your DH and baby, he wants to be close to his parents by being in contact with them several times a day and I can totally understand why.

It would be completely out of order to ask him to contact them less or suggest/impose a maximum amount of times per day that you're happy with him being in touch with them.

But it's not unreasonable to want a little space for yourself and for you as a family of three, depending on what exactly you mean by that? What would that look like for you?

I think in general yabu but I am struck by you saying they have an opinion on everything and you are concerned that they will run your lives. What do you mean by that?

If they are helping each other grieve and discussing how they are feeling and coping then this will be good for your DH and I think you should support their relationship. If they are talking about you and how you should feed your baby, and do this and that, and want you to run decisions by them well then that is different.

I can't tell from your initial post what exactly the issue is.

I lost my only daughter five years ago and her brother lives very far away, maybe 900 miles. He and his wife flew in the next day, and he has made it a point to call, email and text more often. Although I am married, I needed my son and I still do. I am so grateful to his wife, as We are not close but she has been kind and often texts me, too. While he might skip a day or two, I also have days when he calls and texts all day long! I think four month in, you should be more understanding. It is a pain that I hope you never experience but if you do, you will cling to the loved ones that are left.

I think YABU. Four months is not a long time and it's obvious he and his parents need each other's support.

Having lost my own DB in a very traumatic way, I would encourage you to step back a little and give them space. It is not your immediate family member who has died, so it's not the same for you as it is for them. It has been over a decade now since we lost my DB but my family is still unusually close as a result. Anyone who has challenged that dynamic as unusual or unhealthy has not been through a similar life experience. You risk putting yourself in a position where it feels to your DH where he has to choose between you and his parents, which is incredibly unfair.

However, it's absolutely not unreasonable that you need support with a new baby. Sadly, it may simply be that your husband doesn't have the emotional capacity at the moment to be that for you. Can you lean on friends/family for a while to try to get some external help? It really sounds like a horribly difficult time for all of you, but if you can get through the first year, hopefully things will start looking much more manageable.

Would you want him to limit your contact with your family?

What a very sad situation. I can understand why your dh is on the phone to his parents all the time. They must all be grieving and I suppose they all understand how each other feels. To loose someone is such tragic circumstances is awful. If it was my sbiling I would want to be in a lot of regular contact with my parents to. I understand where he's coming from. Honestly, I would just give it time. Sorry its such a tough time for you all and what should be a happy time isn't so much. Congrats on your little one.

You are being VERY unreasonable!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be so hard for you trying to support your husband through this awful time, while dealing with a baby too.
It's not the same but my mum died several years ago- I was in my twenties. I live in a different city from my dad but for the first fe months I spoke to him every day on the phone. It then naturally reduced to once a week, which it has stayed at. My DH actually speaks to his parents much more than that!
What I mean is, it's so raw and early, I doubt this will continue forever but it's what they all need right now. So it's probably best to be patient and let them grieve and the contact will reduce naturally.
I wouldn't say anything, they just need your support right now. It's tough for you too though so make sure you have a support network outside of all of that.

Thank you so much for your messages. I can totally see that i am being unreasonable. I think it's just been so difficult for me with the lack of sleep since my baby was born and since the bereavement and it's playing havoc with my brain. I'm also an introvert and having no time for my own space due to a baby and lockdown hasn't been easy. My husband is an extrovert which I can see means he finds it helpful to chat to people regularly as well as helping him to get through this difficult time for him/his parents.

I've contacted the health visitor who's giving support re: baby's sleep. Unfortunately my Gp has been terrible only recommending yoga and a hot drink before bed for me! I'm breast feeding which means I can't take anything and makes it harder. I will ring Gp surgery again and request another one. Also look into counselling.

In terms of his parents, I have a very good relationship with them but they are strong personalities especially his father and I've always felt indebted/intimidated slightly as they are wealthy and spend a lot on DH and us. I come from parents with much less who are quiet/reserved and am not used to this.

His mother is very mothering, verging on possessive but not negative to me with it. Eg will do all his washing, ironing if he stays, order food for us, buy lots things for our home for presents that I feel I have to then display e.g paintings/ornaments. When I moved in with my husband 90% of his furniture was from them and in a style they like. I have made inroads into this but his father has made comments e.g my ikea table being cheap and nasty compared to their old wooden one!
They have discussed things together when I'm not there. For instance they have a timeshare holiday scheme which we can use 2 weeks a year. When DH had been staying with them during the time of the funeral he mentioned to me that they had put in place which locations we would be staying at over the next few years because his Dad needed to get it sorted there and then. When I said I should have been involved he said it was ok because it could always be changed at a later date. But I don't like the idea of them sitting round together discussing our family holidays without me being involved. He could have called me.
I'm just concerned that when we move closer it will be as if we are living an extension of their life with them and not our own lives.
I know this comes from my own insecurities and not feeling I can assert my own needs. I think I need to just remain open to things and be open with my husband.

DH needs a councillor and you need to draw close to your family and friends for support. Can you go stay with them and tell them how you’re feeling? You need to self nurture and ensure your needs are met too.