Husband calls parents multiple times a day

[Purpleburple123]

DH is very close to his parents who live about 3 hours away. He has always chatted to them on the phone regularly. Over the last 4 months we have been through a very tough time with his brother becoming mentally unwell and taking his own life and His Dad has been very unwell but is now recovering. We have a young baby.
We have spent a lot of time travelling to stay with them. Me at my parents with the baby and him at his parents. For the funeral, To help sort things out/offer support etc.
It's been incredibly exhausting not least because I have post natal insomnia and a baby that doesn't sleep well.
Now we are back at home DH speaks to his parents multiple times a day, texts/emails them and I'm finding it all a bit claustrophobic and intrusive. I'd like some alone time with DH to grieve ourselves and deal with my insomnia as I feel I'm getting very low in mood. I'm finding it hard hearing about their issues and their opinions on everything when all I want is to be alone with my husband and baby.
I understand that he is grieving and wants to be close to his parents at this time so it's a tricky one. We have spoken about my feelings which has just left me feeling very guilty and a bad wife & DIL.
Am I being unreasonable and selfish to want a little space?
We are in the middle of a planned move to live near both sets of parents in the coming months so will see them regularly then. That also worries me and I am concerned he will be with his parents all the time with our DS and we will be having our lives run for us.

I started writing this last night before you posted again, but somehow never managed to post it. I just came on to say that I think neither of you are being unreasonable.

Your DH and his family understandably need time to grieve and be together at what must be an incredibly difficult time. He definitely isn't doing anything wrong in that. However, that doesn't take away from the fact that you're having a tough time and need some support too.

I might be way off, and I apologise if I am, but what you're writing does sound a little similar to how I began to feel after my 2nd DC whilst suffering from PND. Lack of sleep is cruel and turned me into a wreck. Even if I'm way off the mark (and I'm really sorry if I am as it's a huge assumption to make!), getting some support for yourself sounds like a really good idea, your DH understandably has a lot to deal with at the moment so a place for you to let your feelings out, vent and just speak and be heard could be invaluable and lift some of the weight. I know you mention counselling and for me it was a godsend. Sorry your GP is a bit useless with help for the insomnia, do try a different one. I found a saint of a GP who made time and insisted on seeing me every 2 weeks when I was feeling pretty rubbish. I have no idea to this day why she was so nice to me. She found me a lovely NHS counsellor to chat to who gave me a place to let all that pent up stuff out. Many councils allow you to self refer for counselling, you usually only get 6 weeks NHS support, but if you have a young baby they do put you to the front of the list (at least that's true in my area) so you can be seen pretty quickly.

You've got a baby, no sleep, lockdown and then a huge shock for the entire family to deal with. It's ok to be finding things hard too.

@sst1234

How would you feel if he had an issue with you keeping in contact with your family. I am not saying that you are, but your post sounds controlling.

That is not being controlling - a word much overused on mumsnet

This is a difficult situation for both the OP and her husband.

I'm sorry for your loss op. I think it's still very early days and, unlike a death of a parent, this is not in the natural order of deaths, tragic circumstances and something that takes a lot to work through.

Give him some time, also try and look after yourself too. You could maybe have a quiet word with him and about spending some time alone with you, but I'd not push it.

When my Mum died, my Dad would ring all the time, at one point I also found it a bit intrusive, but they'd been married for nearly 50 years so its to be expected, the phone calls slowly reduced over time. It just does take time. Your IL have lost a child in horrid circumstances, this will take a long time to come to terms with and your dh and your IL will need support

This is a really tricky one.
It sounds like your DH has got used to being your PiL's ... I was going to say carer, which isn't quite right, but support. It's normal for him to talk to them and listen to them, and with this recent tragedy, that's become a part of his life.
I'm going to guess that in usual circumstances, you don't need that much support. You aren't a wife who expects to be called repeated times a day, and that's the pattern your relationship has fallen into, and in usual times, you're okay with that.
The problem is, these aren't usual times. You have a new baby. More than that, you have post-natal insomnia and a baby that doesn't sleep.
I think DM's (if they're the primary carers), tend to bear the brunt of baby care when they're new, and DF's, no matter how empathetic they are, can't really appreciate what it's like to be severely sleep-deprived, with a baby who won't let you put it down and no chance to even drink a cup of coffee. It is absolutely exhausting and debilitating.
I think you are being a bit U, but actually I think you have every right to be. Extreme sleep deprivation gives you the same rights labour does - you are allowed to yell at your partner about stupid stuff, and his job is to give you a hug, take the baby, and walk it around the block while you calm down. If he wants to call his parents at the same time as he's walking, fair dos.
I think the problem isn't the phone calls - the problem is that you and your DC need a lot of support at the moment, and you don't feel like you're getting it.
You don't say how old your baby is, but now he's a dad, your DH's responsibilities have changed and he needs to step up.
I do also agree with PPs that he has a responsibility to his grieving parents though. Would it be possible to get a bit of extra help? Perhaps a sleep doula for a week (worked wonders for a friend of mine). Or your mum to stay or a childminder for a couple of afternoons or something? My DH's solution when we're holding too much is always to get extra support, and it usually drives me mad because I want HIM to help, but he's usually right.
, OP. Sleep deprivation is a special kind of hell.

Sorry, just read your update. Yeah, the holiday thing isn't on. You're DH needs to involve you. Sounds like he's used to being swept along by his parents and doesn't see that that's not okay now you're in the picture. "That's great, I'll just need to check with DW." "Thanks so much, I'll talk it over with DW and let you know." Repeat.

My DH lost his brother after a horrid 6 month illness - all coincided with when our first was born. It's rough and unfair. I was practically a single mum for that first year. He was either looking after his brother or mourning and sadly he always says he doesn't really remember anything of our DS first year. The grief cycle is tough too and it took him about 2 years to get back to his normal self. I'd recommend getting him in touch with your local bereavement counsellors through your GP when he is ready.

You are in for the long haul. Get a sleep consultant to help with the sleeping, lean on your friends and family for support. Good luck OP

Completely understand your point of view OP. You should be able to choose your own furniture and where to go on holiday! Give them all the space and support they need at this awful time, but you might want to think about putting some gentle boundaries and pleasantly conveyed self assertiveness in place in the future so that your voice and opinion is not overlooked. It's a difficult position to be in, and I feel for you. They need to have insight towards your feelings and personal situation as well as vice versa, it can't be all one way. I have found counselling helpful in finding my voice!

@CheerfulMuddler

This is a really tricky one. It sounds like your DH has got used to being your PiL's ... I was going to say carer, which isn't quite right, but support. It's normal for him to talk to them and listen to them, and with this recent tragedy, that's become a part of his life. I'm going to guess that in usual circumstances, you don't need that much support. You aren't a wife who expects to be called repeated times a day, and that's the pattern your relationship has fallen into, and in usual times, you're okay with that. The problem is, these aren't usual times. You have a new baby. More than that, you have post-natal insomnia and a baby that doesn't sleep. I think DM's (if they're the primary carers), tend to bear the brunt of baby care when they're new, and DF's, no matter how empathetic they are, can't really appreciate what it's like to be severely sleep-deprived, with a baby who won't let you put it down and no chance to even drink a cup of coffee. It is absolutely exhausting and debilitating. I think you are being a bit U, but actually I think you have every right to be. Extreme sleep deprivation gives you the same rights labour does - you are allowed to yell at your partner about stupid stuff, and his job is to give you a hug, take the baby, and walk it around the block while you calm down. If he wants to call his parents at the same time as he's walking, fair dos. I think the problem isn't the phone calls - the problem is that you and your DC need a lot of support at the moment, and you don't feel like you're getting it. You don't say how old your baby is, but now he's a dad, your DH's responsibilities have changed and he needs to step up. I do also agree with PPs that he has a responsibility to his grieving parents though. Would it be possible to get a bit of extra help? Perhaps a sleep doula for a week (worked wonders for a friend of mine). Or your mum to stay or a childminder for a couple of afternoons or something? My DH's solution when we're holding too much is always to get extra support, and it usually drives me mad because I want HIM to help, but he's usually right. , OP. Sleep deprivation is a special kind of hell.

You are spot on I'm not used to asking for help

@fabulous40s

My DH lost his brother after a horrid 6 month illness - all coincided with when our first was born. It's rough and unfair. I was practically a single mum for that first year. He was either looking after his brother or mourning and sadly he always says he doesn't really remember anything of our DS first year. The grief cycle is tough too and it took him about 2 years to get back to his normal self. I'd recommend getting him in touch with your local bereavement counsellors through your GP when he is ready.

You are in for the long haul. Get a sleep consultant to help with the sleeping, lean on your friends and family for support. Good luck OP

I'm so sorry you had such a traumatic experience and as you say it's so difficult with a young baby. I'm taking things slowly and definitely getting counselling because as you say we are in it for the long haul!

How close will you be living near them when you move?

I can understand there being much more support and phone calls at the moment after such an horrific time, but if they were wanting to be very involved in your lives before this I would be worried if I was living too close.

@washinglinefauxpas

I started writing this last night before you posted again, but somehow never managed to post it. I just came on to say that I think neither of you are being unreasonable.

Your DH and his family understandably need time to grieve and be together at what must be an incredibly difficult time. He definitely isn't doing anything wrong in that. However, that doesn't take away from the fact that you're having a tough time and need some support too.

I might be way off, and I apologise if I am, but what you're writing does sound a little similar to how I began to feel after my 2nd DC whilst suffering from PND. Lack of sleep is cruel and turned me into a wreck. Even if I'm way off the mark (and I'm really sorry if I am as it's a huge assumption to make!), getting some support for yourself sounds like a really good idea, your DH understandably has a lot to deal with at the moment so a place for you to let your feelings out, vent and just speak and be heard could be invaluable and lift some of the weight. I know you mention counselling and for me it was a godsend. Sorry your GP is a bit useless with help for the insomnia, do try a different one. I found a saint of a GP who made time and insisted on seeing me every 2 weeks when I was feeling pretty rubbish. I have no idea to this day why she was so nice to me. She found me a lovely NHS counsellor to chat to who gave me a place to let all that pent up stuff out. Many councils allow you to self refer for counselling, you usually only get 6 weeks NHS support, but if you have a young baby they do put you to the front of the list (at least that's true in my area) so you can be seen pretty quickly.

You've got a baby, no sleep, lockdown and then a huge shock for the entire family to deal with. It's ok to be finding things hard too.

I have thought that it might be post natal depression creeping in! I'll speak to the Gp on Monday and get some counselling too. I was on antidepressants before baby (low dose) and weaned myself off when pregnant and was doing well but this has knocked me for six! May see if I can go on a low dose again to see if that helps

I'm finding it hard hearing about their issues and their opinions on everything when all I want is to be alone with my husband and baby.

You and your husband both need someone to offload onto that isn't each other. It sounds as if he is soaking up a lot of the grief from his parents, but then repeating that to you for you to soak it up from him. Meanwhile you aren't able to just give him unlimited support because you need it yourself and are under pressure from parenting a small child. I think you could both benefit from individual counselling, and from talking to other friends who can support each of you.