I don't have many close friends

[TequilaSunrise39]

I have realised that I have quite a few acquaintances but not really any close friendships, maybe one.

There are several people who are perfectly friendly when I text them, and are happy to meet up, but if I don't do so first, they don't contact me themselves.

If I don't contact people for months they may get in touch but some won't.
I have casual friends but nobody that I would see weekly or more, or that I'd holiday with, could count on for anything, that sort of thing.

Usually see friends every few weeks-couple of months. I wonder if it's my fault as I maybe pushed people away in the past.

I like to be in control of everything, how much I spend, what time I go to sleep etc. I'm getting older and i'm really not into drinking, late nights etc. And I am more concerned with taking care of my skin, so I don't really want to do nights out or holidays with friends which limits me, it's vain but that's how I am. I'm also quite introverted and thought this suited me.

I've got a boyfriend who I would say is my best friend. When he was meeting my friends I realised I didn't have anyone very close to introduce him to and felt a bit embarrassed.

I don't think i've done anything to these people, I always try my best to be kind etc., I think they just aren't interested enough even if they think i'm a nice person.
Any advice ? Thanks

I've no idea
I have one best friend who doesn't live near
Another who cares but don't see her for months on end which makes it hard for me
Everyone else likes me I think but not enough to meet up outside of school/work etc, not enough to be proper friends if you see what I mean
So I've no idea.

Op, I don't have anyone I can even call a friend, no-one. Apart from Dp and Ds I have no one I can rely on or talk to if needed. I have no advice, I find that as the years go by, making friends, good ones is very difficult.

I am decent and honest, I don't have a clue what I've done to end up this way.

Ah sorry to hear that, yeah that's how I feel, they like me but not enough to want to be a close friend.
A friend wanted to go abroad with me last year, but she's very much a party animal and i'm teetotal and very much an early bird/health not so didn't think it would be a good idea, though i'm very happy to do day trips.
However she now doesn't really contact me first, I keep suggesting we meet and she just keeps saying she will 'let me know'.

“ I am more concerned with taking care of my skin, so I don't really want to do nights out or holidays with friends which limits me, it's vain but that's how I am”

This sounds quite life-limiting, I can understand it to a point but ... who are you trying to keep that good skin for? I am sure you and your boyfriend will appreciate it but it’s sort of a depressing thought, that you are sacrificing now for your future skin that few people will ever really see?

My boyfriend has a best friend, they talk a lot, travel together etc. And meet up very often and i'm very happy for him, I realised I don't have anybody like that.
We ended up meeting some of my work mates, it was very nice they had invited me but it was clear they weren't close friends of mine.
Anyway I don't know what to do, I feel a bit down about it.

@GhostCurry

“ I am more concerned with taking care of my skin, so I don't really want to do nights out or holidays with friends which limits me, it's vain but that's how I am”

This sounds quite life-limiting, I can understand it to a point but ... who are you trying to keep that good skin for? I am sure you and your boyfriend will appreciate it but it’s sort of a depressing thought, that you are sacrificing now for your future skin that few people will ever really see?

I understand what you are saying. You're right, it's not really just my skin but just trying to keep my looks in general. I'm getting older and I guess trying to hold onto my youth. If I were to go on nights out every weekend and drinking etc. I would probably look pretty haggard and rubbish. I do a night out every few months but that's all. I know I am vain but I get my confidence from looking good, it's not just for my boyfriend but for me as well.

It’s ok to be vain but I just can’t imagine that a night out once or twice a week would really make a difference. Just get on Dermatica and get some great skincare, look after yourself if you do drink (drink water etc) and keep using the sunscreen.

It just sounds a bit binary (going out = ugly, staying in = good looks). And yes I get that it’s for you too - that’s why I mentioned you in my post - but it’s also making you unhappy.

You need to open yourself up to more opportunities. The needing to be in bed by a certain time every night ... it also sounds like you need a lot of control, might it be worth looking into why this would be? This sounds a bit unusual to me.

I just hate wasting the day in bed with a hangover or even with tiredness. I do athletics too (well before coronavirus) and have to be up early for events.
I'm happy to go out for some soft drinks to the pub and leave by 11 or something.

I've seen friends of the same age or younger who have more lines etc. And I barely have any, I think it's an anxiety thing as I've always gotten my confidence from being attractive and i'm scared of losing my looks. I like saving my money for facial treatments too.

I'll try to loosen up a bit though.

Maybe you haven't found anyone like-minded? I am lucky to have half a dozen really close friends but we share a lot of interests and bonded over drunken nights at university, long dinners at each other's houses, talking into the night, holidays together sitting drinking wine on a terrace. We don't particularly care about skincare! If I met you and you expressed some of the things you said on here, I would probably not want to socialise with you even if you are a 'nice' person. Because your idea of a good time is clearly not mine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

*I've seen friends of the same age or younger who have more lines etc. And I barely have any, I think it's an anxiety thing as I've always gotten my confidence from being attractive and i'm scared of losing my looks. I like saving my money for facial treatments too.
*
You sound a bit shallow, to be brutally honest. I don't think many women go around inspecting which of their friends have more lines

Do you actually want more friends?

I have no partner, no children and no friends at all yet am perfectly happy with my life.

I do like having a good time though, just not with alcohol and partying. I love going to see live music, going for a meal, cinema, walks etc. And just meeting for a coffee and chatting. I do a lot of sports and I am also very creative. I think you can be a fun person without having to be into partying.

If there are girls out there who have zero interest in skincare, drink often and still look slim and beautiful that's great but sadly it doesn't work for me.

“ I'm happy to go out for some soft drinks to the pub and leave by 11 or something.”

Well, that’s fair enough. And I’m with you on the hangover thing. You’re being very honest about your concerns and that’s really positive.

I think spectator is being quite harsh but what she says does remind me of another recent thread, that crystallized a thought in my mind. It was about why horrid people often have more friends. And my thought is this - people don’t always want or need “nice” friends. You actually have to offer something a bit more than that ... being “nice” is kind of baseline criteria. You also have to offer a bit of liveliness, fun, interest. What do you think OP? If you’re honest, do you offer those things?

@lifesnotaspectatorsport

*I've seen friends of the same age or younger who have more lines etc. And I barely have any, I think it's an anxiety thing as I've always gotten my confidence from being attractive and i'm scared of losing my looks. I like saving my money for facial treatments too. * You sound a bit shallow, to be brutally honest. I don't think many women go around inspecting which of their friends have more lines

That's fair enough but I am not shallow, I don't care that they have lines, i'm just saying that I can see how heavy drinking, smoking etc. Has damaged their skin, but if they don't care then that's the main thing if they are happy.

I don’t think OP sounds shallow. She’s just being honest. She is definitely not the only woman who worries about her looks. Let’s not pretend that she is.

Also, I don't see anything wrong with having skin treatments. Why do so many women colour their hair, wear make up, keep fit etc.? Because they want to look good, whether that be for someone else or themselves.
I don't know a single woman who doesn't give a stuff about how they look to at least a certain extent.
I like having nice skin, it makes me feel good, and gives me confidence.
I don't drink as alcohol makes me spotty but is also a depressant and I don't like the way it affects me.

Friendship takes time and effort, give and take. Sometimes you have to do something that is less interesting to you because it will make your friend happy. Of course you need to have something in common and that can change over time. Party goers are not your thing, maybe fitness or health types?

I'm quite reserved and can be shy but I do make an effort with conversation and I think I have a good sense of humour.
I have been dumped /rejected before for my shyness, and I felt a bit worried at the start of my relationship but I know my boyfriend loves me how I am.

I'm not really 'wacky' or crazy or whatever you wanna call it. I like having thoughtful conversations and debates, like trying new places etc.
However when I look at my friends I don't see them as significantly more fun or whatever than I am.
I'm not sure what people are really looking for.

OP I see threads like this every couple of month on MN. A few of us connected on a Facebook group after I started a similar thread a few months ago. My point is it's more common than you think to feel this way and I think some of us have been sold some fallacy by shows like Sex & the city. I have friends but not a best friend or someone I can call and say "I've had a bad day, do you fancy coming over". My closest friends don't live anywhere near me and otherwise I have a good few friends but they all have a closer group of friends or a best friend and I'm not it.

I am similar to you in that I'm not a big drinker (I drink maybe a few times a year) and I'd much rather watch a film or have a nice meal, or even go for a walk(!), than stand around in a bar drinking. I think we all suffer different anxieties but it's a fact of life we will all our looks...

I have made friends through my athletics, maybe I should just focus on that more, that's a good point.

I think you must be very likeable, as there doesn't seem to be much of a shortage of people who want to spend time with you. I'm an early bird by nature and not much of a drinker (though not an athlete!) but what would make it difficult for us to get close is you wanting to control everything, it sounds like it would make it hard to relax in your company. Plus, can you honestly say you don't give off judgy vibes towards people who are wrinkly/non athletic/less into healthy living? Personally I wouldn't enjoy hanging out with someone I felt was judging me for having a cheeseburger and an icercream. If you do want to get closer to people perhaps people in the wellness community would be a better place to look, they may be more on your wavelength. If you're actually quite happy with how you spend your time, that's fine.

I don't think it's about you not being fun enough. I think sometimes we fall into patterns where it is one person who makes more effort and the others rely on that but also if they have another group of friends then they simply don't need us as much.

Maybe you just need different friends. Not everyone is into late night drinking. Think about what activities you'd like to do with people, then go find those people.

Maybe I am giving off vibes that I don't realise. I made an effort last night to go to a (socially distanced) event later than I would have done usually and got talking to some new people and so that was a great start.
However I texted one of them today and no reply so that's put me down again.

I think money is also an issue. I've had debt problems in the past and i've ended up in difficulty. Things are better now, I don't have a high income though and I have to be careful with money.
For that reason I say no to holidays and such as they are mostly on a higher income.

I didn't mean to be harsh. I was just giving an example of how I bonded with my friends, and asking if you had found 'your' people, as in fit, non-drinkers, like skincare, live music, whatever. I think as we get older (judging by your username you are similar age to me, I'm 41) we get more picky about making new friends because it's hard enough to keep up with the ones we already have, plus family/ kids etc. Which builds on @GhostCurry 's point about what you have to offer.

I did not say you are shallow, but that's how it comes across in your posts.