I don't have many close friends

[TequilaSunrise39]

I have realised that I have quite a few acquaintances but not really any close friendships, maybe one.

There are several people who are perfectly friendly when I text them, and are happy to meet up, but if I don't do so first, they don't contact me themselves.

If I don't contact people for months they may get in touch but some won't.
I have casual friends but nobody that I would see weekly or more, or that I'd holiday with, could count on for anything, that sort of thing.

Usually see friends every few weeks-couple of months. I wonder if it's my fault as I maybe pushed people away in the past.

I like to be in control of everything, how much I spend, what time I go to sleep etc. I'm getting older and i'm really not into drinking, late nights etc. And I am more concerned with taking care of my skin, so I don't really want to do nights out or holidays with friends which limits me, it's vain but that's how I am. I'm also quite introverted and thought this suited me.

I've got a boyfriend who I would say is my best friend. When he was meeting my friends I realised I didn't have anyone very close to introduce him to and felt a bit embarrassed.

I don't think i've done anything to these people, I always try my best to be kind etc., I think they just aren't interested enough even if they think i'm a nice person.
Any advice ? Thanks

How old are you op?

I think you need friends on your own wavelength so you are not feeling left out of things you can't afford or doing things to make an effort that you don't want to do.

I have a few good friends and I don't feel pressure to do things I don't enjoy or stay out later than I'd like. We go out to eat or whatver, not so much recently obviously, but I don't have a group of friends that I feel I need to go out and drink with unless I want to.

It's also totally okay to have friends for different things like I have two friends who I meet regularly for lunch and that's all we do. We talk about doing other fun things but life gets in the way. I have another couple of friends who I do different things with like we find shows to watch or that's sort of thing though we have dinners and lunches too. Do you meet people through work or the gym or anything? It is hard to make friends past a certain age, I have found, but I feel I've made friends recently through different groups.

I’ve never had a best friend or even a group of close friends. At school I was always on the periphery of the core groups.
Overall, it’s never bothered me, particularly when I see the fallings out that can happen.

I was closest to my sister growing up and now DH. I have a handful of good friends and we’ll talk about all sorts but if something is troubling me I’ll turn to DH. If it’s about him (not often) I tend to work through it on my own.

Sadly, growing up I realised that the only person I could truly rely on was myself.

I have several close female friends, including two from uni (now mid 40s) and others I have met through various jobs. None of them know one another, so they are not a “group” of friends. I also have various acquaintances - my neighbour, people from work and so on - who I would meet for lunch or coffee in normal times.

My DP is my best friend, though! In contrast he has a group of mates he’s known since school, people he goes to sport with, all of whom are connected in some way.

I think it depends on what you want from your friends. I’m not big on going out “drinking”, but will happily share a bottle of wine over a meal. I love going to the cinema, and pre-CV would meet a friend for lunch them a wander round the shops most Saturdays. We don’t have kids, but I am more than happy to spend an afternoon at a soft play, or going to Pizza Express if that suits a friend with children. I am not sportyor a gym goer, so I am not up for that at all.

I love makeup, perfume, clothes etc, but if a new friend said they were staying in to do their skincare or didn’t want to go out in case of getting wrinkles, I don’t think we would have much of a relationship. I agree with pp that it’s probably about finding your “tribe”.

I don't think you have come across as shallow in any way. There is nothing wrong with looking after yourself. I cant do 'big' nights out either (waste of a day arecovering/ sleeping). Do you even need any new friends or do you just feel like you should ?

It is hard to make friends as an adult anyway. The people I class as my good friends I largely met at school or university. Most people I know are busy - jobs, homes, pets, children, ageing parents, responsibilities within extended family, some attempt at maintaining hobbies/fitness/existing friendships - and developing new friendships takes a level of time and effort that most people just won't have to give. Speaking for myself, I have almost zero free time in a week. I work 30 hours over 3 days, and DH works 40 hours over 4 days so I'm in sole charge of 2 small children during that time. If I met you I may like you, but I'm not going to give up any rare and precious free time building a friendship when I can meet a friend of 25 years for coffee.

I work with and (pre covid) sat beside a woman who would love to make friends. TBH she talks about fitness all day and if she sees me having a packet of crisps she tells me how bad they are for me. I am not saying at all that you do this but I think she judges people who are less healthy and it shows.

I have eight friends whom I love deeply and who love me back. Five of them are family. I am a very happy woman.

I have friends, however, they don't live around the corner (one does but doesn't make an effort) and I don't see them regularly, though talk to them. I am single, work full time, late fifties.

18 months ago I joined Meetup, a local group. I have made one friend, she talks regularly to lots of the others, I don't. I see others making friends, but I don't, nobody, it appears, is bothered with me.

I'm pretty easygoing, very outgoing, have no problem with speaking to anyone, on any level, yet I can't seem to make friends.

Is it me? I think it must be, and I'm thinking of doing less and less with the group, because it just seems futile. Nice enough people, but can't get beyond an acquaintance.

It gets me down, I'm hurt, feel rejected, and then I withdraw.

I'm about to give up now, as I think these types of social groups are not the way I make friends.

@itsaratrap you are very lucky indeed

Yes my confidence is so low
But I guess all this lockdown working from home has added to this

Itsallpointless

@itsaratrap you are very lucky indeed

I am, and I do appreciate it. I worry so much about the modern (I sound Victorian, I’m only in my late fifties 😁) obsession with “friends”. Acquaintances are ten a penny. Friends you can rely on are very rare indeed.

I really feel for you OP. I feel the same. My partners have always had these lovely groups of friends from uni or work or whatever and I've just never had that. I always tend to latch on to my partner's friends (which works well I suppose) but I'm painfully aware I have very few friends of my own. Even my best friend has another group of friends I don't interact with. It's a horrible feeling. I wish I had more advice, just wanted to share the load!

You mentioned that you are sporty, have you tried parkrun (free 5k run every Sat) or letsride.
I don’t naturally like cliques/belonging to a group since school, I’m now nearing 40 and not as active as I used to be. 4 weeks ago I found letsride, you put your postcode in and sign up to whichever free ride you fancy. I have found them all friendly and invite you for coffee afterwards or visit a cycle cafe en route so less alcohol around.
I have been asked to join many different groups for future rides but tend to go with a different group each time (just my own preference) but am now pushing myself out my comfort zone to go to Bristol with a group I’ve been with twice before. Sometimes I need to push myself to meet people otherwise I get very wrapped up In my own company. Give it a try it may work for you

It's interesting that you feel not drinking or wanting late nights out is holding you back friend wise. I'm 35 and I haven't met anyone wanting late nights drinking for years. Which is a shame as I enjoy that. So there are plenty of people who enjoy coffee/movies/lunch etc around, if anything it's the majority.

As for the skin thing. Of course it's fine for your to prioritise that, but I will tell you the experience I've had from the other side. My sister has the following rules for meeting up with her - can't be for food or drinks including coffee (too many calories), can't be outside (sun damage), can't be in the evening (sleep), can't be on a weekend unless she has no other event happening (sleep). I'm fine with that but what's left? She has no suggestions.

If I ever think of something that is acceptable, she can't enjoy it. Eg, go to a museum, she worries sun is coming in through the glass window and giving her wrinkles.

So this type of thing can be very hard work honestly.

I wouldn't want to spend a lot of time with someone who had to be in control of everything.

I find friendships hard Im late 40s. Have around 4 good friends. Autistic kids and other things means they not as free to meet up. One v flaky unless I do all the chasing to meet up. But I like my own company too. Havent kept touch work gang not alot in common. Its not easy. I think a hobby is good.

My best friends are from uni back in the 90's. They are like family. I have casual friends but I connect with very few people.