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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say I am not going

29 replies

ConcernedAuntie · 02/08/2020 19:50

Very sadly I have heard this morning that my only cousin has died. We were close as children but not so much now although I was very fond of her.

Her son is going to let me know when the funeral is (she was a widow) but to be honest I am not sure I will go. The issue is that the journey there will take three and a half to four hours, barring holdups. The service itself is at a crematorium, there will be no hymns/singing and consequently a very short service. It will not be possible to hold a wake at the present time, so after a half hour or so we will be back on the road for the return trip. Once all this Covid madness is over her son wants to organise a family get together which would be lovely.

So WWYD? At any other time I would not hesitate to go, but I don't think I can face the thought of up to 8 hours of travelling for such a short period of time.

OP posts:
SpeedofaSloth · 02/08/2020 19:52

I think I would go.

jessstan2 · 02/08/2020 19:54

Do go. Stay overnight somewhere so you can relax. Your cousin's son will appreciate it and you'll feel sorry if you do not go.

PurpleDaisies · 02/08/2020 19:54

I don’t think it’s unreasonable not to go. It’s not normal circumstances.
Sorry for your loss. Flowers

MakeItRain · 02/08/2020 19:57

I think it's ok if you choose not to go. Send some flowers and say you will be thinking of them all. That's a very long way to go for a short service and no gathering after, for someone you are not that close to. I think current circumstances have changed things for people and that would be a tough journey for you.

PersonaNonGarter · 02/08/2020 19:58

Find a good audiobook or some music for the car and Go.

bettsbattenburg · 02/08/2020 20:01

I didn't go to a funeral because of Covid, it was hard not to go but it was the right choice and you will still be able to go to the gathering later on so I would say don't go.

There will be times when you regret it but a decision made is a decision made and whatever you decide you'll make it in good faith and for what you think are the right reasons so remember this if you don't go.

Flowers
TheMandalorian · 02/08/2020 20:02

I think i would go unless I couldn't get childcare.
I have over 20 cousins and would go even though I've not spent much time with most of them for over 20years.

VeeDubber · 02/08/2020 20:06

I think I would go.

CuppaZa · 02/08/2020 20:06

I would go

NavyBerry · 02/08/2020 20:08

You have to go. To pay respect to your cousin.

Minimamame · 02/08/2020 20:16

I also think you should go.

iMatter · 02/08/2020 20:23

Agreed

You should go

Whattodo121 · 02/08/2020 20:26

My mum died at the beginning of COVID. We could only have 5 people at her funeral. If someone at the moment asked me to go to a funeral of a loved one and I physically could, I would. Seeing that crematorium with only the 5 of us sitting apart was just desperately sad. We couldn’t comfort our dad as we had to socially distance. 4 hours each way Is a long drive, but you could go and have a coffee and a sandwich outside at a pub somewhere to break up the journey.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/08/2020 20:27

Are there any other family members you could speak to? If the numbers are limited are there friends your cousin saw more regularly who would appreciate your place at the funeral. Would her son be very upset if you didn't come? Or would he be ok with it? as long as you went to the later gathering, although its hard to know when that might be.
I think its nice to have a chance to meet up with family again, even though the thought of funerals is sometimes very daunting and no one really enjoys the first part, even just seeing people again and sitting through it can be a relief. The weather is reasonable now, people can still gather outside if they are spaced out. Best of luck with your decision.

Original poster
ConcernedAuntie · 02/08/2020 20:35

Jessstan - I would normally stay somewhere but would not do that at the moment. I have not been in anyone else's house and no one has been in mine since lockdown. I am late 60's and have 'underlying health issues' so would not be comfortable doing that.

OP posts:
Onekidnoclue · 02/08/2020 20:36

I would go. The fact it will be an effort will be appreciated.
Sorry for your loss

Apolloanddaphne · 02/08/2020 20:39

I think in the current situation and your own vulnerabilities it is fine to say that you cannot attend.

InTheWings · 02/08/2020 20:41

Poor young man.
If he is the son of your only cousin, I am guessing he has not got much family now both his parents are dead.

I would go.

katy1213 · 02/08/2020 20:41

Don't go; send flowers or a donation and as others have said, maybe friends who were much closer would appreciate your place. That's a heck of a journey for a service that will be over in 20 minutes. They might even do a Zoom/video link for those who can't make it.

TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 · 02/08/2020 20:43

Will her son have people there to support him?

If not then I would go, it's bad enough leaving your mum, but having no one else at the funeral to say goodbye and show they cared would be horrible.

Kaiserin · 02/08/2020 20:45

Sorry for your loss, and all the best to your family.

Funerals are for the living. Which includes you, and the rest of the family, especially her son.
Your dear cousin (probably) won't mind either way. You should do what's right for you. But bearing in mind her son's feelings (and whoever else may come, or not come. No one at all at the funeral would be bleak!)
If you decide not to go, maybe try and do something symbolic, e.g. a token thing to remember the deceased, that other family members could contribute to as well (memories, pictures, poems, video message, whatever)

AudacityOfHope · 02/08/2020 20:46

I would go. Having stood outside a crematorium recently watching the service live streamed on my phone Sad I would say you just cannot overestimate how much people just being there matters to the bereaved.

MiniCooperLover · 02/08/2020 20:46

Go! He's going to have very little family there, that isn't a 'big' drive or book a travel
Lodge nearby if needs be. Driving time is not a good excuse for someone you're fond of.

IWantThatName · 02/08/2020 20:50

Late 60s and 'underlying health conditions'? That would give me pause for thought.
It's ok not to go; these are strange times. And if you don't go, maybe the family can do a memorial for your cousin next year? Could your cousin's son hold the service on Zoom so those who can't attend can be there in spirit, as it were.

Coldspringharbour · 02/08/2020 20:51

I wouldn’t go. She’ll not know.