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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be irritated?

54 replies

Mumma626 · 02/08/2020 18:17

About a week ago I was having a chat with my partner and he brought up that he thinks I could do more around the house.
I am a stay at home mum to our two boys, and he works full time. I will be the first to admit that I’m not the best home maker. I struggle to keep on top of the washing, and tidying but our house is by no means filthy.
He explained that he doesn’t understand how he can have the house spotless in an hour but I can’t clean it in a day and keep on top of it.

He said that the way he sees it if he is going out and working then it’s my job to make sure the house is tidy and everything is done. Which I understand but don’t totally agree on.
I did explain that I don’t just sit and watch tv all day and that with two children it’s unrealistic to expect the house to be tidy 24/7.

The conversation was friendly, we weren’t arguing and I listened to what he said and took it on board. But that conversation is still lingering in the back of mind.
Part of me feels irritated that he thinks I do nothing and then a part of me feels as though I have no right to be irritated.
Would you be irritated?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 02/08/2020 18:20

What do you think would happen if you went out and left him with the children for a day? Would the house be spotless?

Gazelda · 02/08/2020 18:25

If I were you, yes I'd be irritated. But it depends on the ages of the children. Unless he's lived in your shoes, he can't possibly criticise you for the home not being spotless while also looking after the DC.
Having said that, if I were him I'd hope that you'd at least be able to keep on top of the washing.

Chickenwing · 02/08/2020 18:28

I agree with him. I wouldn't expect a completely spotless show house but I'd expect it to be tidy.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 02/08/2020 18:28

My exdp used to come out with similar crap. I went back to work and left him with his older 2 and our dd. I told him I expected to come home to a tidy house, washing done. Dinner sorted etc and the kids to be clean, tidy and been entertained and ready for bed.

Needless to say he failed on an epic scale. He stopped with his "i work full time" bullshit.

rawlikesushi · 02/08/2020 18:28

How old are the kids?

dontdisturbmenow · 02/08/2020 18:30

Needless to say he failed on an epic scale
Why? Most sahp manage it very well.

user12345796 · 02/08/2020 18:31

Well if his job is whatever it is he has to do it properly or he will be sacked. Right now your job is the children and the house and you should do it properly. I have seen marriages break up over this.

HoneyWheeler · 02/08/2020 18:31

I think spouses often forget a few things about SAHPs

  1. your job is literally a stay at home parent - you're focussing on parenting. That is bloody exhausting!
  2. children make quite a lot of mess and to get something tidy they either trash another room or have to have significant screen time which isn't great day to day.
  3. it is bloody exhausting looking after kids! Did I mention that? The sheer energy of being 'on' and not losing your shit every five mins and not being able to do what YOU want to do, feeding and cooking, not having adult conversations - is knackering!
  4. you often don't get to clock off at 5/6pm like working parents do! You tend to be the 'default' parent, which means you're often the one that gets up in the night or keeping the mental 'list' of food to buy, clothes grown out of, birthdays etc.

All of this to say - you're not alone OP. It feels hard because it is hard!

user1487194234 · 02/08/2020 18:33

Why can't you keep the house tidy?
He obviously is concerned about it as he brought it up

AnnieMaul · 02/08/2020 18:33

I think the trouble with housework is that a lot of it goes unseen. Unless it's like a bombs gone off beforehand, little bits and pieces go overlooked and it can seem like you've not been up to much.

When my husband has said similar to me before I made a point of writing down absolutely everything I did over the following couple of days. Things like wiping down surfaces and changing bins, cleaning the shower screen etc. Stuff that wouldn't ever be noticed. He soon realised it was rather quite a lot!

I've also noticed that with my husband he's very good at doing obvious jobs like hoovering, but would never in a million years think to wipe down skirting boards or clean door handles/light switches...which is why he can do a full house clean in an hour. So could I if I was just whipping the hoover about Wink

Original poster
Mumma626 · 02/08/2020 18:38

@rawlikesushi they are 2 and 4 xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma626 · 02/08/2020 18:40

@user1487194234 I think 9/10 I’m exhausted. I get up during the night whenever the kids get up, I have done since our youngest was a newborn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma626 · 02/08/2020 18:42

@Gazelda our children are 2 and 4x I do try my best with everything but sometimes with washing I find it can be produced quicker then I can clean it and get it back x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumma626 · 02/08/2020 18:43

@AnnieMaul that’s a brilliant idea! Not only would it be good to show him the things that go unnoticed but it will also be good for me to look back at xx

OP posts:
mbosnz · 02/08/2020 18:44

At those ages, kids are like herding cats. But harder. And messier. And sometimes it seems like they're in league with the Devil himself to make your life harder!

I think perhaps it could be good if you two could discuss what your priorities are with your time.

Does he think it's more important that the house is tidy? Really? Even if the way you do this is to plonk them in a play pen with an electronic babysitter?

Or would you both agree that first and foremost, everyone needs to be appropriately fed and watered, children need to be engaged and stimulated, they need their bums clean and dry and potty training facilitated?

And that after that, comes house cleaning.

And then, house tidying?

And does he truly think his only job is bringing in the income?

Because in this day and age, as both partners and parents, more is expected. Or it should be. He's not in the 1950's here, even though his dear wee heart might be yearning towards them.

Janaih · 02/08/2020 18:45

I'm a sahm and a bit lazy when it comes to housework. Dh is very house proud. When I've been away for weekend and hes had dd I've come back to a spotless house and he's bought new cushions. He would never moan at me for it though. I do all the cooking and general life admin.

iklboo · 02/08/2020 18:49

If he can get an entire house spotless top to bottom in an hour he's not doing a proper job is he? How much if that is 'I can't see anything on the floor / sides = clean'? Is he looking after the children at the same time, planning & cooking meals, doing the laundry etc - or just a run round with a duster and hoover?

divafever99 · 02/08/2020 18:50

Small children are exhausting and make a lot of mess. I would often stay up late when dc were small cleaning and tidying, only to find by 8am the next morning it looked like a bomb had gone off. It was exhausting and really affected my mental health. I later came across the adopted the motto "everyone is fed, no one is dead", and if achieved this each day that was enough! It does get easier as they get older to keep on top of things, especially when they start school.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 02/08/2020 18:51

@dontdisturbmenow

Needless to say he failed on an epic scale Why? Most sahp manage it very well.
No most sahp don't manage it. They manage on a superficial basis.

He failed because looking after 3 kids is exhausting, as someone else has said when you have a toddler it is like herding a cat trying to keep them entertained, safe etc before trying to manage a house as well.

Any decent partner be that a male or female who works outside the home should appreciate that their significant other being a stay at home parent doesn't mean that all child and house roles fall on them and the one working outside the home gets to abdicate all responsibilities. It is a team effort and whilst the majority of day to day tasks can be managed not everything can without assistance.

cantstopsinginglittlebabybum · 02/08/2020 18:52

Why can't he make the house spotless if it only takes an hour?

Coldspringharbour · 02/08/2020 18:56

I think he’s being reasonable. I’m not talking doing a deep clean but there’s no reason why you can’t keep it tidy.

user1487194234 · 02/08/2020 18:59

Ok thanks
It's not easy,I know,could you talk to him and see if you can work out a solution
I get irritated if I come in and the hall /kitchen is a mess
Could you work on sorting out the key areas

Regularsizedrudy · 02/08/2020 19:07

I would point out to him that he can speed clean the house because he is not also parenting two small children at the same time 24/7 which takes a greater toll than a 9-5 job in my opinion

1Morewineplease · 02/08/2020 19:11

Yes, young children are exhausting but if , like my husband used to be, your partner is out of the house for 12 hours, then you should be able to at least get the washing done.
Do you feel that you have to entertain them for 12 hours? Is your eldest at pre-school or playgroup for a few hours a day?
The only trouble with leaving your partner to it, as a PP has said, is that you may well come home to a spotless house.
At the very least, get your eldest to tidy their toys away. You can do a fair bit in 40 minutes while your eldest watches something while your youngest naps.
Load the dishwasher/wash dishes while your children finish eating; they’ll be taking much longer than you to eat. Let them play a bit after lunch while you quickly wipe the kitchen surfaces down.
You’re not meant to do a thorough clean but a bit of tidying and washing isn’t unreasonable.

dadshere · 02/08/2020 19:12

Depends on the ages of the children, but yes you should be keeping the house tidy. DH stayed at home for 3 years ( I have a better paying job) to look after our dd, we were clear from the outset that since I was working, I expected him to look after the house, shopping and meals. He did it and now we are both working again, he has kept the habit of doing the housework.