Would you be irritated?

[Mumma626]

About a week ago I was having a chat with my partner and he brought up that he thinks I could do more around the house.
I am a stay at home mum to our two boys, and he works full time. I will be the first to admit that I’m not the best home maker. I struggle to keep on top of the washing, and tidying but our house is by no means filthy.
He explained that he doesn’t understand how he can have the house spotless in an hour but I can’t clean it in a day and keep on top of it.

He said that the way he sees it if he is going out and working then it’s my job to make sure the house is tidy and everything is done. Which I understand but don’t totally agree on.
I did explain that I don’t just sit and watch tv all day and that with two children it’s unrealistic to expect the house to be tidy 24/7.

The conversation was friendly, we weren’t arguing and I listened to what he said and took it on board. But that conversation is still lingering in the back of mind.
Part of me feels irritated that he thinks I do nothing and then a part of me feels as though I have no right to be irritated.
Would you be irritated?

I'm with your husband. You should be able to keep the house reasonably tidy and definitely keep up with the laundry. I wouldn't be saying so long as it's not "filthy" it's not a problem.

Without reading the full thread, get him to keep your home spik n span whilst looking after your children.
Go visit your mum/sister/BFF and leave him to run the home and look after the children. That should open his eyes as to how hard it is.

I work part time hours. I manage to keep the house tidy and washing done and believe me there is a lot of washing. Not deep clean every night but tidy.
I have a 13 month old so i can imagine 2 children at different ages can be quite demanding.

I am exhausted also. I manage it. But it is tiring. I really am kind of OCD about the house being tidy. If anyone was to call by I want to be able to let them in and be proud.

But I am in a very different position to you, only having one. Dont they entertain each other sometimes?.

With that being said my DP would never say to me about the house, I think that's very cheeky of him and he should respect being a mum is a full time job too and more draining than going off out to work.
Ultimately your kids are your priority and dont burn yourself out. Do what you can.

I try and do more in the day because when she goes to bed 7pm that is then MY time to relax. Does he also expect tea on the table when he gets home?

It depends on the scale of mess. If it’s just toys etc then that’s unreasonable.There are a few steps that literally take minutes but make it look tidy. Unmade beds - that takes seconds to sort. Washing in bins, not over every piece of furniture. Food left out uncovered, unhygienic, put it away. Food & dishes everywhere - just eat in one place & stack dishes when done, in a dish washer if you have one. Coats, shoes, bags, general outdoor stuff, hang it up. It’s useful to have enough cupboards, most people tend not to have enough. This isn’t meant as a lecture but there are simple things you can do that create an impression of being on top of things even if you aren’t.

Nope....

I'd just write down as you go around your normal day.... Everything...

Actually do it over a week...

A lot of housework /life admin stuff is invisible...

Like sorting kids' lunches/paying bills/hanging on hold to get the cheapest Internet deal.... This is only obvious when they're NOT done...

I guarantee 100 per cent his idea of a perfect house involves runni g around with a duster and vanuuming... And unless you jave a mansion this can be done in an hour....

It's not the same if he looks after the kids for a day and you've already made the lunches/ sorted out their nursery stuff and generally made it a light day...

He needs to do this several days... And then pick holes in all the stuff he HASNT done...

And so you haven't checked the best 8bternet provider? /you haven't paid that bill/oh and you haven't scrubbed the bins... Head tilt head tilt...

These sort of arse wipe blokes have no idea what it's like juggling young kids AND home

I really am kind of OCD about the house being tidy.

You're not OCD. You like a tidy house.
It's a mental illness, not a quirky label.

OP, has he ever had the kids on his own while being in charge of the home?
If not, why?
Could you go out for the day and leave him with the kids - see how he actually gets on.
Of course the risk is that you come back to happy kids and a spotless home.

FWIW, I'm a single, stay at home parent and I manage it day by day by breaking it down.
I aim for 2-3 loads of laundry a day. I wipe things down, clean, wash up as I go along.
Clean the bathroom while DD is in the bath, Hoover whilst she's watching TV, fold laundry whilst she's in her playroom colouring..
Dose of toilet cleaner down each loo before bed along with Zoflora down the plug holes.

You need to be smart about it, but it can be done.

He should pull his weight too over the weekends though.

@Tinyhumansurvivalist

My exdp used to come out with similar crap. I went back to work and left him with his older 2 and our dd. I told him I expected to come home to a tidy house, washing done. Dinner sorted etc and the kids to be clean, tidy and been entertained and ready for bed.

Needless to say he failed on an epic scale. He stopped with his "i work full time" bullshit.

Yup...

he doesn’t understand how he can have the house spotless in an hour

Let me guess, he is not also trying to entertain and feed and look after a 2 and a 4 year old during that hour, is he? While the 2 and 4 year olds follow him around creating mess as fast as he cleans it. That might be the issue.

It really is impossible to say. No combination of 2 children is the same - I know a 4yo who can reliably be put in a room minding the 2yo for an hour whilst mum takes a break. And I would advise a break, not cleaning!

Then add in your standards vs his. I can’t bear cluttered surfaces, but I’ll leave the towels longer than my husband does. No right or wrong!

So I think you’re right to listen to him and not dismiss it - but also it may be fair to say, “this is how it is, sunshine.”

I am a bit surprised at you saying you can end up with more washing than you can turn around. Unless you have a mangle, are you really doing more than 1 load a day?

Where do you fancy going for a week/fortnight while he proves how much of a domestic master he is?

Cheeky twat needs to appreciate what you do, do, not moan about what you don't do. Your job is to look after the children not be his bloody skivvy so he doesn't have to lift a finger in the home he lives & eats in.

Some kids are easier than others & some people are better at housework than others.

I wouldn't. We have a very long standing agreement that if we both work we split the housework/child things almost equally. If one of us is in between jobs or sah, then it's that person's responsibility.
I stayed at home for 3 years after giving birth and then 2 years not too long ago. Both times husband was totally exempt from housework. I'm not saying i didn't mutter things under my breath many times :)

You can do a fair bit in 40 minutes while your eldest watches something while your youngest naps.

Naps!!! ROFL.

Not all children nap enough to get things done. Ds would only sleep on me when tiny and then when older it was such a battle with getting him to nap that I would put him down, breathe a sigh of relief, go to the loo, grab a glass of water and then that was it, he was ready to go again.

DD - rinse and repeat. Never did more than cat nap.

We all just do the best we can with housework, and it should be a team effort. As pps have said, clean as you go and grab any opportunity to do a bit of dusting/wiping down surfaces/general tidying.

Is there a lot of stuff laying around? Because that will make it harder to clean and make it less noticeable when you have. Decluttering is a good starting point - or just better/more timely storage.

Get your children on board - they can dust/sweep with a bit of help, and your 4 year old could help load/hang washing.

Do the really obvious stuff!

But also discuss whether your partner thinks he's funding a cleaner or a nanny by supporting you staying at home. Cleaner = clean house but children get minimal attention. Nanny = attentive childcare with housework done around that where possible. I think sometimes the working parent thinks they are funding both roles, without realising how much it entails to do either one properly.

Our house was clean and tidy as I was working part time and our children are teens. Then we had a baby who'd only sleep on me, struggled with breastfeeding (so had to go on to formula) and didn't sleep at night.
My husband started moaning about the state of the house, even though I was doing all the cooking, washing and cleaning key areas like kitchen and bathroom.
Then I was admitted to hospital with blood clots so he was at home on his own. He never said anything but since then (only been about 4 weeks) he's never said anything about the state of the house.
While I wouldn't advise ending up in hospital either go out for at least a day and don't do anything to make his life easy or show him a list of everything you do. He needs to know how hard it is.
It's annoying when someone can clock off and come home and do nothing. Why is your job 24/7 and his isn't? Yes being at home more means you do more but he should be helping when he's home. Try and get him to see that now, I wish I'd put my foot down earlier.

How is your house not tidy!? My home is arts and craft. Playdoh. Baking. In between its lunch, dinner prep, park.

I tidy with a special watch which allows me to work outside of time. I'll look for the link.

At night time dont sleep. Instead do a deep clean and tidy. Then the next day you have a clean slate for your children to destroy.

Speak to your dh/p. Your children will remember you cleaning. My dd3 brought home a picture she drew of dh playing ball with them and me fucking hoovering! I've worked hard since then to be a mum and not a cleaner for people who show up!

I thought he may have a point until I was your kids were 2 and 4. In my opinion looking after them at home is a full time job especially at the moment where you cant take them out to classes, soft play, and might still be avoiding the play park etc. Theres only so many walks in the wood and scoots round the block you can do in the day, and then it's just stay in and play ans most 2 year olds have a very short attention span and can get through a lot of toys in a few hours.

I thought I'd run the hoover around the room we spend all our time in today. My children 2.5 and 5 were in the garden, I can see them from the room. One of them managed to hit the other in the face with a swing as I wasnt there to stop them. When I was brushing the eldest teeth the younger did a poo in the garden. They also found and emptied all my expensive moisturiser. They used to be 3ntertained with pens and paper but they've had enough now, and drew all over themselves and the table.

What I'm saying is that if you have kids like mine then you cant really leave them alone for any length of time yet. If you turn your back for a few minutes someone gets hurt or something gets ruined. They are too young to play together without direction. Literally the only way I could get housework done is by putting screens on but even then I'd only have 20 min before the youngest got bored. They're also too young to help - they enjoy trying but make it all messier or dirtier.

So I think he is taking the piss. Unless he can genuinely solely look after the both of them while cleaning the whole house and nothing going wrong m, in which case he is clearly house husband of the year and maybe you should consider swapping roles

Looks like he is not asking for a deep clean everyday, you should be able to keep it tidy.

There's a huge difference in my book between tidying and cleaning. I think DPs are getting a hard time here with all the "oh they can't have done it properly". IMO it doesn't need doing "properly" a quick tidy up is good enough during the week just so you're not surrounded by washing, dirty dishes, messy bedrooms, floors that you can't see. Nobody needs to be cleaning skirting boards & scrubbing bathrooms everyday.

I wasnt the best at keeping on top of things either, but you can train yourself. 15 or 20 minutes every hour or 2 makes a massive difference. Washing is a bastard to keep on top of but set 2 times during the day to get a load done and hung up.

It's probably a 6 of him being a bit of a knob and half a dozen of you being a bit too laid back.

I'm really bad for procrastinating but you can change old habits.

If the boot was on the other foot, and OP was the full time worker complaining about her SAHD partner not tidying up when she could get the house spotless in no time, half the outraged posters on her would say ‘leave him, now’. OP, herself has given a balanced view of his approach, in that he has quite reasonably tried to tell OP how he feels about general tidiness. Surely stay at home parenting includes tidiness of the house too.

I do it 3 days a week with a 4 and 6 year old and have done since birth. Also work full time. I agree the house should be tidy and washing/dishwasher done etc. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I think you should be able to kept a basic standard of tidyness. In my mind it's part of the deal of being a stay at home mum.

How do you split the household tasks between you OP?

And yes, I would be irritated

Years ago my DH 'suggested' that I might do more at home as a SAHM. (all of 4 years!).

The biggie was that I worked voluntary, but well-paid Sundays. Which DH was very happy about..

He then suggested that looking after our 2/4 year olds was 'easy' of a Sunday. What was my problem?

Until I'd walked back in once too often to the unwashed breakfast dishes.

No picking up.

No clothes washing/drying/ironing.

No vacuuming, no made beds. No Asda shopping. No lawn-mowing.

But the fun they'd had... 🙄

I am so gutted reading this thread. Tidy homes above busy days with our children. I find time to clean my house. Tidying is a mare. I prioritise spending time with my children and not ripping people down who are finding the balance hard. Those who think people are impressed with your tidy homes. We're not. We envy you but definitely have more fun!