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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Facebook unfriending

59 replies

Coronakid · 02/08/2020 14:14

Im part of a FB group of about 40. Most of us met over the years but as our link was to do with our children as they’ve grown not so much. I have about 6 I’m very close to and pre-Covid saw often. A member in the group but not part of the 6 deleted me. I did ask her why and she just gave a reason about trimming her friends list. Fine her choice I didn’t think it would make a big difference to my life. However, ever since anytime anything about my life comes up she’s wanting to know the details. Examples are: Asking what my new kittens called, asking what’s happened to my mum etc. I just want to say ‘why un friend me if you’re so interested in my life. So am I being unreasonable to consideration blocking her?

OP posts:
Grapewrath · 02/08/2020 15:17

Are you all very young?
If she’s asking you questions you don’t want to answer, the sensible thing would be to ignore her

Nottherealslimshady · 02/08/2020 15:20

Sounds like you post shit on fb and she's sick of seeing it. I deleted my auntie of fb because I was sick of her sharing racist stuff.

Tappering · 02/08/2020 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tappering · 02/08/2020 15:30

Oh FFS wrong thread!! Sorry OP, will report and get this deleted.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2020 15:30

@bonjonbovi

I’d reply to her questions with “it’s on Facebook”.

Her: “unfriended you so I can’t see”

“Well that was silly”

This ^^

And also

Can't believe you felt the need to ask why she had unfriended you in the first place, cringe 🤦🏼‍♀️

Very much this ^^

LittleHootie · 02/08/2020 15:37

The response about "trimming her friends list" would be the reason I'd not bother answering questions from her. To me that means she isn't interested in hearing about your life.

I think she is probably worried you dont like her after you asked about the deletion so is checking in with you to gauge the temperature and make herself feel better.

Well done all the people on the thread who couldn't give a shit who unfriends you. Genuinely, it must be a nice place to be. I'm in the OP camp where this would bother me and I'd want to know if I'd offended the person somehow. I don't usually ask them but I feel a bit hurt if I notice I've been dropped.

burnoutbabe · 02/08/2020 15:40

i get what you mean, i have simialr, friends in a group where we chat, and lots of us are FB friends out of the group too.

I deleted a few over the years, if for example they have said "anyone who votes X way is a " or they have deleted me.

and yes, if they kept asking questions i'd find it odd. But if we are all chatting in the group about say finances and i say i am using a good app to track finances, asking me about that is fine (as would be someone here asking me about it).

foamrolling · 02/08/2020 15:44

I've just had a major Facebook trim. I'll have to bare this thread in mind if I bump into any aquaintences I used to have on Facebook. I'll just smile and nod and try not to make any polite conversation in case I say 'hello, how are you?!' and the response is 'its on Facebook'.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 02/08/2020 15:47

Can't believe you felt the need to ask why she had unfriended you in the first place, cringe 🤦🏼‍♀️

Why not? If she’s interested enough to ask the OP about her kittens, surely she’s interested enough to keep her on Facebook? Unfriending is very different to unfollowing. Unfollowing allows someone to stop seeing things they may find boring or offensive, but gives them the option to change their mind later, or actively check in, without causing an argument or offence. Unfriending is effectively saying ‘I find you so boring/irritating/offensive that I’m actively disabling contact and don’t even want you to be able to see what I’m doing’. I’d find it pretty weird if someone did that but then actively made enquiries about my life in a group chat.

I can't imagine stopping being real life friends with someone because they weren't facebook friends. Your choice though.

I can’t imagine wanting to actively engage in real-life conversation with someone who's so disinterested in me that they can’t even spare ten seconds to read something about me on social media. Why is ten seconds before scrolling on more effort than a real-life conversation?

In my experience, unless you’ve fallen out with someone and no longer want any involvement in their life (and vice versa), unfriending is a bit pretentious and attention-seeking. It’s telling how many people who ‘trim’ or ‘purge’ their friend lists make a point of announcing it before doing so. They’re clearly desperate for replies saying ‘Ooh, I hope I’ll make the cut! I love your posts!’ and all that bollocks. My of my school friends once announced she was drastically cutting down her list and wanted people to reply with a comment about how they’d met, so that she’d know who was a real friend 🙄 When only about 12 people replied, the big purge seemed to be quietly dropped.

Enoughnowstop · 02/08/2020 15:48

@helloareyouthere thank god it's not just me!

feebeecat · 02/08/2020 15:49

It is very annoying. I had a fb friend who would always text me about anything I posted. I asked why she did that rather than comment on the post she was reading - “I don’t want it to look like you’re too popular” was the reply. One of the (many) reasons I gave up using fb.
Ignore.

Thehorrorthehorror · 02/08/2020 15:54

I seem to be livingin some kind of parallel universe....since when did it become somehow rude to ask people questions about their lives? to make polite conversation and show an interest in them? do you have to be friends on Facebook with someone before you can ask them about what's going on for them? Are people really living their lives through Facebook in this way? Or am I missing something?

I think you're missing that the OP and this person never meet in person, and don't have an offline friendship at all -- they only have an online relationship. I'm not entirely clear via what form of communication the former FB friend is actually putting her questions to the OP, though, if it's not in person?

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 02/08/2020 15:55

Is she asking these questions on the group chat as part of the conversation or by private message ?

popcornlover · 02/08/2020 16:03

Facebook brings out the weirdness in people. Most hilarious is when people feel they’re on a power trip by deleting people. She was probably just jealous of something you posted and deleted you in a fit of envy. Seems to be what happens! Forget her.

Blumbil · 02/08/2020 16:06

I be

Blumbil · 02/08/2020 16:07

I bet you either post too much or post about something she doesn't like

If you are friends irl then she must only find your posts annoying

AlternativePerspective · 02/08/2020 16:19

I seem to be livingin some kind of parallel universe....since when did it become somehow rude to ask people questions about their lives? to make polite conversation and show an interest in them? do you have to be friends on Facebook with someone before you can ask them about what's going on for them? Are people really living their lives through Facebook in this way? Or am I missing something? No it’s not just you. And TBH knowing people online only is an even better reason to delete them. They’re not actual friends, they’re people you know from the internet.
The idea of blocking someone because they unfriended you on facebook is childish and pathetic, as is asking someone why they unfriended you, you’re not in the playground any more.

I do find these “if you’re reading this then you’ve survived my friendship cull” very cringeworthy, but just removing someone as a friend is just what we do sometimes if timelines become too busy or what they post is too irritating.

I have recently unfriended about 35 people. Many of them were just online friends, so I felt absolutely no obligation to stay friends with them. The rest were conspiracy theorists/people who spouted all manner of shite about COVID, including one who referred to masks as muzzles, and another one who claimed it was all a hoax, and I’ve known him for over 30 years.

It’s facebook. For the most part it’s not real y’know.

AliceinBunnyland · 02/08/2020 16:23

OP it is strange that this woman has unfriended you if she is still on Facebook and wants to be friends.

When I initially read your post I understand that she might unfriend you are part of the same group but not close friends. I have started removing people who I never have any contact with.

It is strange if you do speak (is she texting you to ask about your kittens?) and yet she unfriended you.

AliceinBunnyland · 02/08/2020 16:24

But also you can be members of the same Facebook group without being friends so if she is taking an interest in you in the group then that's okay.

HandsDownRoundTheTown · 02/08/2020 16:38

Maybe she wants to conduct her friendships not through FB.

Are you OK with that? If so, crack on and chat to her in whatever context you come across one another.

—If not you are a bit odd and controlling—

Sounds like she’s more of an acquaintance anyway so I’d be pretty easy about it either way

Insideout99 · 02/08/2020 16:42

I think you’re overthinking it... I’m in a similar group and have been for 8yrs now with about 80 woman. I had almost all of them as a friend at some point but some have deleted me and those I’m not close to I’ve deleted over the years too. I still have friendly chats with everyone in the group 🤷🏼‍♀️ But only the really close ones remain as FB friends

MintyMabel · 02/08/2020 16:47

And TBH knowing people online only is an even better reason to delete them. They’re not actual friends, they’re people you know from the internet.

What a terribly shallow and narrow way to define friendship. It is entirely possible to strike up a friendship online.

AliceinBunnyland · 02/08/2020 17:16

I think people have different ways of conducting friendships and of managing their Facebook profile and friends. It's not controlling if OP to wonder why someone she speaks to isn't her friend on Facebook.

YouokHun · 02/08/2020 17:21

I find that people I love in real life are often massively irritating on FB (and they may well think the same of me). I have one very good friend who I see once every six months or so and when we are face to face there’s a natural filter of respect for each other’s opinions that can’t be there on SM. So face to face she doesn’t talk about her tinfoil hat shit about vaccination (but does on line) and I don’t talk about my hatred of MLMs because it bores her (but I do on line). My solution to this was to hide her profile rather than delete as I’ve no wish to offend. The less I look at FB the better generally and I certainly don’t think friendships should pivot on it. Perhaps your posts irritate her but she likes you as a person? Perhaps she is now taking an interest because she has correctly guessed you’re offended? As for blocking her; YABU and passive aggressive. Just say what you want to happen, ‘follow me as I’m not repeating it all” or “let’s meet up and have a proper chat” or whatever.

As for not friends, just people you know from the internet I might have said that once but in the last few years I’ve run a campaign group with various people dotted around the world who I communicate with daily but have never met, they are friends and I value them. Perhaps if we came face to face there would be other facets of their life that I wouldn’t take to and vice versa no doubt, but united by a common cause I really value their friendships; it’s just a different type of association.

laudete · 02/08/2020 17:41

Her newsfeed was probably too overwhelming and she doesn't know the difference between unfollowing and unfriending. It seems OTT to block her but you don't need to engage in her queries if you feel they're now too personal for a non-friend.