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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be loosing my mind with my 10 year old?

41 replies

ineedaholiday123 · 02/08/2020 13:52

Help! NC'd as outing

I've got an amazingly talented, funny, caring and clever 20 year old DD.
She is such a great child but won't fucking listen to me and it's driving me absolutely bananas.

If I communicate something she is interested in, then she is all ears. If it's something she finds boring or mundane, she switches off.
I also have to repeatedly remind her to do every day tasks which is tedious, but I get it, she's 10.

She plays multiple instruments, is academic, reads, goes to drama class etc... is a smart kid.

I'm beginning to think she just doesn't give a fuck if it's not important to her. I need to teach her that this won't wash in the real world.

I broke this morning. I was washing up and called her into the kitchen. I asked her to go upstairs and strip her bed, bring the bedclothes down so I could put them in the wash. I told her last night I was washing her bedclothes today.
She turned around and started skipping up the stairs. She got to about the 3rd step and said 'mum what did you ask me to do?' I honestly thought she was joking. I told her to go do what she thought I told her to do.
She came down with a few cups and glasses that were upstairs. This is something I ask her to do regularly. Still thinking she was joking I laughed and sent her back up to do the job I asked her to. This was at 9:30am and she still can't remember.

This is the latest in a very long line of similar examples. I'm so tired of this. If I told her to go upstairs and gave her complex directions to where there is a box of chocolates or sweets, she'd find them in 30 seconds flat.

I've taken her iPad from her and told her she's not allowed out to play today. I really need to get through to her on this. I don't want her to grow up thinking it's ok to disregard what others say / ask you to do unless it's important to you.

Aibu?

Am I over reacting? How can I better manage this / support her in developing this skill?

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedaholiday123 · 02/08/2020 13:56

She's 10, not 20!

OP posts:
christinarossetti19 · 02/08/2020 14:00

Well, I don't think only paying attention to what interests you is unusual in either children or adults tbh. I totally get how irritating it is, but it doesn't sound like she's doing it deliberately.

Is is mainly verbal instructions that she doesn't seem to retain? Does she have problems organising herself - you mention having to remind her to do everyday tasks for example?

If she hadn't listened properly, you should have repeated what you asked her to do rather than asking her to recollect something that she hadn't heard the first time, I would say.

When I give my children instructions I try to make sure that they're making eye contact, break it down into smaller chunks and ask them to repeat what I've asked them to do if I think that they haven't listened.

christinarossetti19 · 02/08/2020 14:00

Not that it always works of course, but calling something over my shoulder definitely doesn't!

Original poster
ineedaholiday123 · 02/08/2020 14:03

Yeah she's generally not very well organised and is a bit scatty.
I normally repeat what I've asked her to do in similar scenarios... but it can be really drawn out... like 4 or 5 times.
I'll put more emphasis on the eye contact / checking understanding and see what difference that makes.
I guess I just feel worn down by all the 'nagging'

OP posts:
K1999 · 02/08/2020 14:06

I think you need more patience

sadpapercourtesan · 02/08/2020 14:07

Why did you not just tell her again when she asked you? Or again when she came down having done the wrong job?!

It's frustrating, I know. I have a bright, able child with bollocks for brains as well. But I don't waste my time playing silly games with him, if he asked me to repeat an instruction I would just do so Confused

Ohsoverytired11 · 02/08/2020 14:09

Had to reply to this because my 10 year old DD is exactly the same!! like your DD she is academic and has hobbies she is passionate about. Also has a keen interest in science. I'm always told what a delight she is and she's very polite. She also reckons she is about 16 Hmm

However, I have been asking her to pick up dirty clothes off her bedroom floor since Thursday! And she has 0 common sense. Drives me insane.

You are not alone... but I'm afraid that if I had any helpful advice my own life would be a lot easier.

P.s. mine is also on an ipad/phone ban today...

FlyingLoo · 02/08/2020 14:11

Hi, I find eye contact when giving instructions really helps also ask her to repeat back to you what you’ve asked her to do.

Fairybio · 02/08/2020 14:12

This is family life, and completely normal. If she has other things in her mind, her short-term memory is already full!

winniesanderson · 02/08/2020 14:15

I have a 10 year old dd too. She drives me up the wall sometimes. But I genuinely think they can't help it. Its an age/brain thing. It's infuriating sometimes.

Sally872 · 02/08/2020 14:22

My 10 year old dd would go to room, forget and not come back. Asking to repeat would be a step forward for us.

I understand your frustration it drives me crazy. But easier to deal with than many socialising or academic issues. Easier said than done but think of the positives and asking her to repeat the instruction back sounds like a good idea.

Juneboon · 02/08/2020 14:23

Coming to say I have just turned 11Yo DS and he is exactly the same. It's an age thing and patience is the key

coldwarenigma · 02/08/2020 14:23

Another one to say get her to repeat back what you want her to do. As she gets older get her to do 'to do' lists to reinforce what needs to be done.

I have auditory processing disorder. Even in my 50s I struggle with verbal instructions.
As I child I was 'away with the fairies' or day dreamy. It was because I didn't absorb. Again if I was engaged it was easier.

As an adult I have to write everything down. I can then remember what I need to do, even if I don't have the list with me! Confused

AnneOfQueenSables · 02/08/2020 14:25

Yy an 11-yr-old DS here too and it's exactly the same.

KittCat · 02/08/2020 14:33

Total over reaction.

flirtygirl · 02/08/2020 14:41

Your punishment is unfair as it is not proportionate and you over reacted.

Swatsup · 02/08/2020 14:43

I have a 9 year old son, Takes a good 20 mins to put on shoes and socks with me reminding him every 10 seconds what he is meant to be doing 🙈.

Gottalovesummer · 02/08/2020 14:44

I have teenagers and this is completely normal behaviour.

My theory is that stripping the bed sheets/ picking up dirty clothes from the floor etc is just not interesting or important to them! Therefore they just don't put any importance on what you ask them.

Doesn't help you with the problem I know, but just my theory at explaining it a bit.

MsEllany · 02/08/2020 14:46

I have one like this - a strategy that works well for me and might work well for you (as recommended by the speech therapist) - don’t repeat to her, ask her to repeat it to you.

“DD please go and strip your bed and bring the linens down”
“Ok mum”
“DD just to check, what did I ask you to do?”
Etc.

Or, split the instructions down. So, strip the bed. Then once that’s done, ask her bring the linens down.

I think you’re being unfair punishing her tbh. It’s normal for most kids. Sit her down and say you’re sorry you overreacted but you’re a bit fed up she doesn’t pay attention. Say you want to make an agreement as a family - you’ll try the strategies I mentioned above and she’ll make a better effort to listen.

DeliaOwens · 02/08/2020 14:55

OP, I know this can feel stressful and as if your DD is being disrespectful or defiant. However, she is ten. Her life is all butterflies and fairies and life is wonderful. Who would not want there child to have zero worries. She may have auditory short term memory. This can be developed using memory games, card games and things which require focus. I don't think she is setting out each day to be like this. Give he a little bit of compassion and work with her
This will iron itself out. Just take a breath.

ludothedog · 02/08/2020 15:00

Yes over reaction. She is only 10!
I have a 10 year old too. We can have just had a conversation about what our plans are for the day and what we're going to be eating later, 10mins later she'll ask what's to eat and what we are doing later...

I prefer to deal with it with humor and ask her to think about what we discussed.

MinnieMousse · 02/08/2020 15:02

Sounds like a completely normal 10 year old to me!

Waveysnail · 02/08/2020 15:03

So when you sent her up again at 9.30am what did she do? Iv found timers useful as I have 3 scatty adhders. So give them say 10mins to strip them bed and they start their timer. If not done in that time they then have a small consequence of no electronica ect for 20mins. Then we try again

Witsend101 · 02/08/2020 15:04

Try writing it down rather than asking her verbally to see if it's a verbal processing issue?

Chantelli · 02/08/2020 15:05

Totally normal behaviour and think you need to be more patient!

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