AIBU to be loosing my mind with my 10 year old?

[ineedaholiday123]

Help! NC'd as outing

I've got an amazingly talented, funny, caring and clever 20 year old DD.
She is such a great child but won't fucking listen to me and it's driving me absolutely bananas.

If I communicate something she is interested in, then she is all ears. If it's something she finds boring or mundane, she switches off.
I also have to repeatedly remind her to do every day tasks which is tedious, but I get it, she's 10.

She plays multiple instruments, is academic, reads, goes to drama class etc... is a smart kid.

I'm beginning to think she just doesn't give a fuck if it's not important to her. I need to teach her that this won't wash in the real world.

I broke this morning. I was washing up and called her into the kitchen. I asked her to go upstairs and strip her bed, bring the bedclothes down so I could put them in the wash. I told her last night I was washing her bedclothes today.
She turned around and started skipping up the stairs. She got to about the 3rd step and said 'mum what did you ask me to do?' I honestly thought she was joking. I told her to go do what she thought I told her to do.
She came down with a few cups and glasses that were upstairs. This is something I ask her to do regularly. Still thinking she was joking I laughed and sent her back up to do the job I asked her to. This was at 9:30am and she still can't remember.

This is the latest in a very long line of similar examples. I'm so tired of this. If I told her to go upstairs and gave her complex directions to where there is a box of chocolates or sweets, she'd find them in 30 seconds flat.

I've taken her iPad from her and told her she's not allowed out to play today. I really need to get through to her on this. I don't want her to grow up thinking it's ok to disregard what others say / ask you to do unless it's important to you.

Aibu?

Am I over reacting? How can I better manage this / support her in developing this skill?

Notebook - it's never too early to learn good habits. My DSM used to leave me an A4 list of stuff to get done before she got home in the holidays. I got good at judging how long things would take how much free time I had etc. Good life skills.

Also very satisfactory crossing stuff off.

I'm experimenting on my 10 year old. Will report back.

Thanks everyone.
Yes I recognise that I over reacted... I guess I'm just fed up.
I'm wfh full time with 3 kids and I'm just over this.

I've just had a good chat and a cuddle with her.
She said when I was asking her to strip the bed, she was thinking about a game she was playing on robox.

Someone said her life is fairytales and butterflies... this is so true for her!

We've talked about the repeat back tactics and she agreed that too much time is being spent on her iPad.
I'm practicing my breathing and trying to have more patience... I feel so bad now!

After some debate about how often bedding should be washed, both he and his 13 year old brother finally stripped their beds. I can't decide how this helps your question though sorry! It doesn't sound totally abnormal for them to be entirely self centred and "forget" to do stuff they don't value.

My DH is a bit like this as a 36 year old and I can tell my DS is going to be the same... DH's mind goes at a thousand miles an hour and he is often inside his own head focusing on things he is interested in or are important to him. Requests from me just get missed in all that.

I would have a pad of post-it notes and a notice board in her room. When issuing an instruction I'd be inclined to write it down with a timescale and hand it to her to put on the notice board:

Bedclothes stripped and downstairs by Saturday 12 noon

PE kit in school bag by Tuesday 8pm

Thank you card for Granny in post box by Friday 4pm

Etc

She can remove any as she does them. If there are any outstanding or overdue at a time she would normally get her iPad or a treat or whatever, it needs to be done first.

She doesn't sound naturally organised but she can learn a few ways to help her become more organised. It might take a lot of help at the beginning but will hopefully reap rewards and will be useful to her when she has to revise and organise her own schedule.

That's awesome! You shouldn't feel bad. None of us parents can say we haven't snapped or made mistakes at some point. The fact you see it and have chosen a different route is admirable.

Ask her to repeat the chore before she leaves you.

In my experience this is totally normal preteen behaviour. Bloody annoying though!

Your DD reminds me of my husband I ask him to repeat back to me what I just requested. Otherwise he says “yes sure” without actually processing my request. It’s a brain thing rather than a malicious thing.

Not claiming to be an expert in the slightest but speaking as a yr6 primary school teacher & mother of a teenager, I'd say she sounds pretty normal!! We had some training once which explained all about how children's brains function/develop etc & apparently they go through several phases of just not being able to process too much at once or recall things not immediately important to them - genuinely not their fault. Bloody frustrating though!! P.S. I feel like I nag 24/7 - at home & at work!!!!😄

My first thought is ADHD (inattentive). I have this in a milder form. There is a known phenomenon that when you walk through a doorway, your brain will clear itself ready for the next wave of information it needs to process. Going upstairs is similar. You'll retain the information that is interesting to you, but not mundane things even when you try to hang on to it.

Oh and yes to a noticeboard, post-it notes or whatever will work for your DD. My kids knew that if they needed to be somewhere or get something ready for them, it had to be on mum's board or it wouldn't be done.

My ds 12 still has to be reminded to get dressed AND clean his teeth AND wash his face. He seldom manages all three without prompting.

You aren’t alone

Cognitive load.

She's not going to be able to recall something she didn't take in in the first place, so I think punishing her is disproportionate. Work together to find ways to help her retain information, get her to repeat in back, write it down, attach it to a physical action. You may just have to resign yourself to repetition though, as annoying as it is.

Thanks everyone. I've been implementing the tips you recommended over the last week or so and it has really helped.
I've been really focussing on the eye contact, asking her to repeat etc.
Then praising her where she completes a chore, rewarding also.
There has been a marked improvement so thanks for all your support x

I have a 10 year old (and a younger dc who is much worse!) like this. He is always lost in his own thoughts and I also occasionally do get very frustrated at the lack of focus and having to repeat things over and over for them to get done. But their dad is the same so I know it's inherited.

I feel like I have to micromanage everything in their day to day life and it's exhausting. The dc remembering to brush their teeth is a problem so I have told them if they fail to brush their teeth and end up going back after I check, they will have to put a pound of their money in a little charity tin we have. Funnily teeth are always brushed these days!