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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having kids really do change your career

59 replies

Everythingnotsaved · 02/08/2020 11:00

To start- my kids are the light and joy in my life and I love them more than anything and wouldn’t be without them for a second. I love being a mum.

But I have spent the last 12 years with them being my sole focus and it is really apparent in my friend group now that those with kids have very different lives in comparison to those who don’t- I don’t think I ever really thought about it that much before.

I have a good career in that I am well paid and it is satisfying in some senses but I have stayed in it for the security it brings my family.

I think what I am trying to say is that the people I know without kids have an energy that I don’t have anymore to create their own businesses and give themselves to that & to their success.

As I said, I really wouldn’t change anything at all but it’s only now occurring to me how for me the last decade has been about raising my family & how you don’t really realise how much it takes out of you.

Aibu?

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 02/08/2020 11:08

I think you are. I had infertility issues and very quickly went up through the ranks at work. From the outside I looked so full of energy and was smashing it but inside I felt like I was throwing myself into work to avoid the issues and felt so tired keeping up a pretense that I would be in a heap when I got home. Now, I probably look tired (8 month old) but feel much more alive. Do remember the outside view does not match the inside reality.

Shamoo · 02/08/2020 11:19

Women who have primary care responsibilities for their children and partners who don’t contribute much, yes. But you only need to look at the vast majority of men who have children without any impact on their careers to know it’s not the fact of having children that changes your career, it’s the sharing of responsibilities that does it.

Twiningalldaylong · 02/08/2020 11:25

YANBU i know very few women who have managed to come.through it with their careers intact. In my experience it usually involves going part time, changing jobs to something less taxing or more family friendly, or even giving up work altogether. Meanwhile most men sail through and don't give it a second thought.

Echobelly · 02/08/2020 11:25

TBH, I planned a career, such as it is, so that it would fit around kids. I went into a field that is female friendly, not insane hours, has a lot of women in it and the capacity to work freelance (though tbh, I wasn't good enough at the skills you need for the freelance bit). Now my kids are older I am thinking of 'stepping on the gas' a bit with my job rather than just noodling along, and have been put in an interim management post while someone was on mat leave, and then on furlough, but I'm finding out that I'm not really very good at management, so maybe I'll just have to noodle along in the area where I am then!

But yes, it's totally true what @Shamoo says - it's the care responsibilities that generally fall on women, not the having of children that makes the difference. Men's careers tend to be enhanced by having kids as they are then seen as mature and reliable Hmm and no one expects them to put their kids first.

www.nytimes.com/2014/09/07/upshot/a-child-helps-your-career-if-youre-a-man.html

Original poster
Everythingnotsaved · 02/08/2020 11:31

I’m the one that takes parental leave to cover holidays etc as DP’s work not family friendly & I work at a university.

I’m the one that worked at home full time plus homeschooled my kids during lockdown.

I think (at age 47) I am just at that mid life transition point too where I am reflecting on what I have achieved in my life- obviously I have raised 2 kid and worked full time but I feel a bit like I want to create something for myself too!!

OP posts:
Goingdownto · 02/08/2020 11:33

Dh and I share sickness days etc, though I'm still the one phoned first so have to call him if it's his turn to be off. Takes a bit of negotiation to say the least.
One thing I hadn't really thought of till someone pointed it out is before dc I looked at jobs all around me - the commute didn't really matter - but now I have a very small commute as a priority it greatly reduced the opportunities available.

Goingdownto · 02/08/2020 11:34

(As in, I need to be there for either drop off or pick up so can't work too far away.)

user1493413286 · 02/08/2020 11:34

I think you’re right; I was able to get to a secure place on my career before having DC but now I’m very aware that my career is plateauing for a while. I can’t/don’t want to put the extra hours in that I would need to move up and it’s not possible while part time in my job anyway. I knew this when I had kids but it’s hard watching people who started out at the same time as me move up.

Sheknowsaboutme · 02/08/2020 11:37

I dont think so. There’s a difference between a job and a career. I had a job, Government based and had no desire to scale a ladder and go any further.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/08/2020 11:45

Depends on the home set up. I wouldn’t have had children with someone who thought they were my responsibility as I’m female. I expect everything to be 50/50 and wouldn’t settle for less.

If anything the fact I have children has made working seem more important than it was before. I’m no longer just responsible for myself but others and that’s a big responsibility. I also want them to see it’s possible for both parents to parent and maintain careers so that they aim for the same.

PregnantPorcupine · 02/08/2020 11:53

I haven't even had mine yet and it's already impacted my career! Pregnancy x 2 (inc one miscarriage) combined with a risky/sometimes physical job has meant that my experience over the last couple of years has been restricted and I haven't been able to take on the extra responsibilities that I'd need to get for promotion (covid obviously hasn't helped as I've been working from home whereas others have been going in to the office). Once baby is here I hope and expect that DP will pull his weight but his health problems mean that I'll still need to go part time (tbh I'd want to anyway). Planning to go for promotion then but it'll definitely be harder.

I think (depending on the job) it is possible to have children and still climb the ladder at work but it absolutely takes a lot more effort and juggling.

dontdisturbmenow · 02/08/2020 11:57

I am the sane but it's not just do to having kids. I used to be very ambitious and expected to climb the ladder, even when when my kids were still little.

Its more the let downs, politics and corporate pressure that zapped all that positive energy from me. My job then became just a job when my kids got older, I gained some independence again and started to do things outside of work much more satisfying. I now can't wait to retire as early as possible!

Yes, having kids is tiring and you get to the point where it feels you don't that much left to give, but I still feel that if it was made less stressful and game playing to reach the top, more mothers would consider it.

Thegereldine3000 · 02/08/2020 12:32

It depends what you prioratise. Personally my career is far more important than my dd.

OwlinaTree · 02/08/2020 12:37

Yes, I've got a lot less energy for stuff at the moment. 6 and 3 yo.

Frenchfancy · 02/08/2020 12:42

I think you need to add "if you are a woman" because if you are a man I don't think it makes much difference.

PumpkinPie2016 · 02/08/2020 13:00

I think it depends on the situation in the home.

I started my career before I had my son and returned full time after maternity leave. Once I returned, I moved to a different workplace (same job though) and I have had two promotions since. I am still progressing well. So, for me, having my son hasn't impacted my career.

My husband is very involved though and works flexibly and part time. He is/was less bothered about climbing the career ladder and it works for us.

I work hard to make sure I still give my son plenty of my time and attention. For me, a big factor in deciding to stick with one child was the fact that having anymore would spread me too thinly.

PicsInRed · 02/08/2020 13:09

I've been taken seriously in the workplace again since divorce.

So I think there is a combination of kids AND the perceived patriarchal ownership by/dependency on husband.

It pisses me off.

SentientAndCognisant · 02/08/2020 13:17

Your are right of course. Essentially being a working mum is often derided and all the naysayers with the comments
The old tropes of
why have children if you leave them with feral strangers in Guantanamo day care nursery

It’s only money.You need to prioritise your children ⬅️ No one says this to a man Ever*

couldn't ever leave my precious bundles as if working mums sashay off without a goodbye swigging a latte clutching their iPad Pro

It changed my career in that for the 1st time I felt I had to justify myself,my ft work. Interestingly the negative comments and head tilt were all from women

However, I’m good at deflection and not giving a fuck. So for the school naysayers and whiny mummies I perfected the I’m listening face when I really wasn’t .

It was the institutional unconscious bias from school that if something was wrong I’d be the parent to come. Times they called that one of my dc was unwell, please come and I ask them to call their dad as I absolutely could not come. They were genuinely struggling, ummm but dc is unwell...yes, call their father. Default doesn’t have to be me

Dp and I we know day to day who the parent to be called is and respond if required

thepeopleversuswork · 02/08/2020 13:22

This is one of the things that makes me grateful to be a lone parent. It’s tough and more expensive for sure but you never have to worry about having to put your career on the backburner to facilitate someone else’s.

And if you spend your free time doing domestic work and childcare it’s for your kids and not some man who won’t pull his weight.

RaisinGhost · 02/08/2020 13:59

Actually I think the cause and effect are switched here. I find people who have a lot of energy, interest and success in their careers often choose to remain child free. So it's no surprise their careers continue along that path.

People who have ok careers but it maybe isn't such a passion for them, look for something else to be interested in and fill the time, and so often choose to have children.

Don't blame the children in other words.

Goingdownto · 02/08/2020 15:46
Hmm
RaisinGhost · 03/08/2020 00:06

Was that face to me? I don't mean any offence or judgement, I have kids myself. I just think it's too easy to say "well sure I stay in this (for example) safe civil service job, but that's because I have kids. If I didn't, I'd have an incredible career." But actually that sort of thing takes a lot of effort, skill and luck.

Goingdownto · 03/08/2020 00:13

Yes absolutely! Energy skill and passion are the preserve of the child free? How insulting.

small2018 · 03/08/2020 00:28

@Thegereldine3000 what's your career?

CheetasOnFajitas · 03/08/2020 01:28

@Thegereldine3000

It depends what you prioratise. Personally my career is far more important than my dd.
Wow. That’s quite some honesty there. How does it affect your decision -making? Do you mean that you might eg not take all your holiday and work a lot at weekends, so she gets to spend less time with you?
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