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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not return unsolicited gifts

29 replies

SplunkPostGres · 02/08/2020 07:46

I had a birthday a few days ago. Not a great day but I’m trying to focus on putting plans in place for the future including a house purchase.

During lockdown I was back in contact with an ex, but all the reasons we broke up (long protracted break up over several years) were still there.

On my birthday he left some quite expensive gifts on my doorstep. No note, but know they’re from him. I don’t want to get in contact with him again to return these things. I’ve been thinking about sending a bank payment to his account for the amount, but it’s a few hundred pounds and these are luxury items I wouldn’t buy for myself at the moment, due to wanting to make the house purchase.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to start the cycle of contacting him again, but these are expensive items that I feel icky about keeping.

OP posts:
Runbitchrun · 02/08/2020 07:47

So give them to charity and if he ever asks, say you don’t know what he’s talking about. If they were on your doorstep with no note, anyone could have taken them.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/08/2020 07:48

Sell then? Shove them in a cupboard. Certainly don’t pay him for them. Ignore. Don’t respond.

Caterinaballerina · 02/08/2020 08:00

I second putting them away out of sight and then deciding in future.

Popcornface · 02/08/2020 08:03

If you don't want to keep them. Sell them and put the cash towards the house purchase.

Trashtara · 02/08/2020 08:04

Don't mention them, don't pay for them. Claim no knowledge of them.

VettiyaIruken · 02/08/2020 08:09

He's done it to try to make you feel obligated to contact him.
Don't let him manipulate you.
Keep them, sell them, give them away, throw them in the bin, whatever you prefer.

As pp said, left on your doorstep with no note -. Who's to say you even got them? Maybe they were stolen from your doorstep. if he contacts you, I'd deny ever having seen them.

spinningaround72 · 02/08/2020 08:12

I agree with @Runbitchrun he left them with no note so you would contact asking if they were from him. Stash them away and decide in the future if you want to put the cash towards your house :)

OuzoWoozo · 02/08/2020 08:20

Gifts are exactly that, gifts. Given. Not part of an exchange agreement.

He gave. You are under no obligation to give him anything in return, be that contact, acknowledgement, friendship, one final shag.... If he complains, well he knew the risk when he left the presents there, maybe he will learn a lesson.

If they are things you want and they don't remind you of a sad or upsetting time, then enjoy them. The world is horrible enough right now without all of us denying ourselves the chance to enjoy something we like. If you don't like them, then donate or send them back - again, with no obligation of contact attached.

Original poster
SplunkPostGres · 02/08/2020 08:21

I think I’m going to put them away, as advised by a few people.

There’s no doubt they’re from him. It’s the perfume I used to wear but have now downgraded to Beauty Pie (as I can’t justify the cost of Jo Malone anymore), and a cashmere jumper. I have a few jumpers of the same type.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 02/08/2020 08:21

Sell them!

Keep the money for yourself but don’t contact him at all

Silvercatowner · 02/08/2020 08:27

Eeergh that's quite creepy.

EsmereldaMargaretNoteSpelling · 02/08/2020 08:29

Keep the perfume, sell the jumper. Tell him you have no idea what he's talking about if he asks, but do not initiate contact of any description yourself. I'd have no compunction in doing this.

ScubaSteven · 02/08/2020 08:31

I know you don't want to contact him but I'd be using this opportunity to exercise my right to take the control back, I'd be telling him that the gifts are inappropriate and that you don't want them. He's left them because he's trying to coerce you, if you tell him your feelings on them at the same time as telling him not to contact you again then it hasn't worked. You've also made yourself clear and so further contact could be construed as harassment.

Be clear on your position with him and don't allow him to think he has all the power. If you don't set him straight now he'll just do the next thing to get your attention.

SteelyPanther · 02/08/2020 08:33

Do not give him the money. You wouldn’t have paid that money out yourself, so why should you go short because of something he did.
Just put the stuff away for now and forget about it.
Don’t be part of whatever game he is playing.

drspouse · 02/08/2020 08:33

Sell them.

SmileyClare · 02/08/2020 08:39

I don't see why you can't stick in a parcel and return the gifts by post? That's not getting in contact is it?

That would send him a clear message without any need for contact.

Original poster
SplunkPostGres · 02/08/2020 08:39

I think it came from a good place, for reference I’m completely on my own with my son from my marriage. We spent lockdown on our own, as my ex husband lives hundreds of miles away. If I hadn’t been in contact with him, no one would have contacted me during this period. I work, from home at the moment, but that’s the extent of our social circle. School, child activities and work make our social contact. I spent two weeks at Christmas alone, as I made sure my son was spending his holidays with his Father and extended family. So, I don’t think it’s a control thing more of a pity thing knowing that I would be spending the day on my own. I just don’t want his money. Neither of us can give the other what they want, which is fine. I feel upset and angry though about the pity presents.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 02/08/2020 08:49

Oh right you have a child together and co parent? You've been in contact just as friends?

In that case, just return the gifts with a short note explaining how you feel. Or keep them, what is the angst over accepting them?

It sounds as though you are on quite an amicable footing and he has no Intention of resurrecting a romantic relationship?

TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 08:51

I feel upset and angry though about the pity presents

Then sell them, and buy something frivolous that will make you smile.

Original poster
SplunkPostGres · 02/08/2020 08:53

Ah - Perhaps my post was slightly confusing.

No, don’t have a child with him. My child is with my ex husband. Divorced in 2016. I’d have been fine about my ex husband sending expensive gifts- I most certainly deserve them from him. But nope, not his child.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/08/2020 08:55

You know him best as a person.

Is it likely they came from a kind and thoughtful place rather than trying to reconcile a relationship? That isn't pity it's kindness!

I have made more effort to keep in contact with people living alone during lockdown just because I recognise it's harder for them. I don't pity them 🤷🏽‍♀️

ScubaSteven · 02/08/2020 08:57

Well then in that case I'd explain nicely that you don't want the gifts, it sounds like the lines have been blurred and he's tried to do something nice. You need to be straight with him, just ghosting him isn't going to work in this situation.

Don't be angry that he's tried to do something nice, it's not necessarily pity. Be straight with him about what you want.

isthismylifenow · 02/08/2020 08:59

Is the gift from your ex husband?

So you surely have contact with him due to having a child together.

Re the gifts. I was in a similar situation recently. The making contact to discuss the gift is probably the motive. There is no way I'd send a bank payment for the value of them. And I also wouldn't contact him to ask if it was him who left them. If you do have a discussion with him re your child then I wouldn't even bring this up.

CasuallyMasculine · 02/08/2020 09:00

Blimey, OP, a bit more detail at the start would have been helpful!

isthismylifenow · 02/08/2020 09:03

OK we cross posted about exh.

Don't acknowledge it or refund him the money.

Use them if you want to or put them away until you have thought about it some more.

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