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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's too soon to clear Mum's home?

35 replies

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 01/08/2020 21:55

Hi. So I'm posting because in April I lost my wonderful Mum to covid and 5 years before that I lost my lovely Dad to dementia. Losing Mum has completely broken me. Also soon after Dad died I found out Mum had a terminal illness, so I focused as much as I could on being there for her, and didn't dwell on my grief much. So now I've been hit by double grief for both Mum and Dad. I struggle to sleep, eat properly, doing basic daily chores is a struggle. Indeed getting out of bed some days is a struggle. I feel relentlessly exhausted. Unable to do anything. Is this normal? I'm also being told by well meaning friends to start clearing Mum's house out, but I'm simply not ready. I will get the roof fixed as it's leaking. But clearing through Mum's home is painful and I'm just not ready. Is this silly of me? I'm a teacher and only have these 4 weeks left to do it. But getting on with it terrifies for me. What is wrong with me? My poor husband and daughter. I haven't been present for them at all. I couldn't be with Mummy when she took her last breath. I hate myself for that every day.

OP posts:
Elouera · 01/08/2020 22:02

I'm so sorry for your losses. Grief is a personal thing, and there is never a 'normal' in terms of timelines to get certain things done. It seems that you would benefit from getting professional help to work through your thoughts and feelings. You sound depressed in grief. Have you spoken to your GP or red cross/marie curie/hospice etc?

Do you have siblings? Is there a reason you need to clear the house yourself? How old is your daughter?

Before even thinking about the house, I'd get yourself some help and then move forward. Does it make much difference if the house is cleared now, but by bit over weekends in the future, or even during the next school break or CHristmas?

Northofsomewhere · 01/08/2020 22:02

My mum went through a similar grief process after my Granddad died, fortunately I was 19 and old enough to take control of the situation (he had lived with us before passing from a long term illness). Looking back I think she should've talked to her doctor more and maybe looked at getting a talking therapy.
I wouldn't start clearing it until you feel ready, there were aunts and uncles that encourage my mum to do more than she was ready for but she stood firm and doesn't regret it. There will be other weeks off and weekends where you can do what you feel able.
Getting help from your doctor may help with your family life, and I'd definitely recommend being very open with your doctor and your husband about what you're feeling and going through, talking more always helps.
I hope you begin to feel more like your normal self soon and get the support you need at this difficult time.

Forwardback · 01/08/2020 22:21

Sorry for your losses. Take your time, and be kind to yourself. It’s not ‘silly’ to find this process painful, and to need some time to prepare to face it. Don’t feel guilty that you couldn’t be with your mum when she died - you were there for her when she was alive and I’m sure she appreciated and enjoyed that.

IwishIhadaMargarita · 01/08/2020 22:22

I think you need some grief counselling.

Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 01/08/2020 22:25

Hi. Thanks to you all for your kind messages. I don't have siblings. I'm currently having grief counselling but am new to it.

OP posts:
Goingdownto · 01/08/2020 22:32

Would your mum want you to hate yourself every day? I wasn't with mine either and I suspect that was how she wanted it really. Mothers are all about wanting the best for us and your mum would have wanted you to be kinder to yourself than you are being.
With the house, it can be a slow process or a plaster-ripping-off type one. Up to you. Could your dh not do some things for you to start it off? I did a lot of things with pil's home to avoid dh being upset by some of it.

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/08/2020 22:35

Does it make much difference if the house is cleared now, but by bit over weekends in the future, or even during the next school break or CHristmas? There are some practical reasons, like valuing the estate for probate, which has a time limit on it, I thought of 6 months.

Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 01/08/2020 22:37

Dh has been so busy with work but is off in a few days and wants to help. However, first we have to sort out our own place, it's an epic mess as I've only just started to get back to doing housework.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 01/08/2020 22:41

I've already gotten a solicitor to deal with the probate side due to the issue with Mum's roof.

OP posts:
Notthetoothfairy · 01/08/2020 22:47

Sorry for your loss. I think you should just clear out the sentimental things you want to keep, then get a clearance firm to sort out the rest and donate it to charity/dump it.

Wynston · 01/08/2020 22:49

So sorry for you're losses.
Does it have to be you doing the house??
I understand paperwork will have to be you but could you get someone to clear it friends or a house clearance company??

justasking111 · 01/08/2020 22:49

When FIL died MIL left all the sorting out to us (children), clearing out his things, garage etc. house went on market found her a nice apartment etc. When MIL died her sons could not cope so the DILs went in and did the clearing out. I filled my car many times with stuff for the charities back and forth. We put all the paperwork in boxes because that was something her sons needed to sort through.

Can your husband and child do some of this for you? Our neighbour died mid March, his family have only just been allowed to come to clear out the house, much of the work is being done by grown grand children. Honestly when you are young and a generation or two removed it is easier.

While they are doing that you could tackle your own home, keep busy or find a cleaning agency to help you out who can also clean your mums place when it is ready for cleaning.

Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 01/08/2020 22:54

Thank you, that's incredibly helpful. I'll definitely get a cleaner to clean the house once it's ready to be deep cleaned. I brought a lot of photos over to mine already as I needed to be surrounded by them but still need to find more when I'm ready. I got some paperwork as I was trying to deal with a lot of it before Mum died. I think getting a professional removals company would definitely be helpful and I hadn't considered it.

OP posts:
letmethinkaboutitfornow · 01/08/2020 22:57

💐 dealing with the death of a loved one is hard. Unimaginably painful.
Time is a good healer though. It’s only been a few months. Don’t be too hard on yourself 💐

Accept the help from your family, they love you and it also hurts them to see you in pain and them being so helpless.

mouse70 · 01/08/2020 23:01

My lovely Dad died June 2019. I started sorting through all papers
because of applying for probate almost at once.I did start sorting,mainly kitchen and some of his clothes I managed fairly well for a while but then it became harder. I still have not completely cleared even one room yet. Luckily my brother and I inherited the house so we can take as long as we want. Everyone is different. It is not too soon if you feel ready. If you do not feel ready and you can take your time then do so.

BackforGood · 01/08/2020 23:26

I am sorry for your loss, and, am certainly not going to say you are 'silly', however, I'm answering your question about whether it is "too soon" with a resounding no.

I lost my Mum and Dad within 12 months of each other. I know your pain, but delaying starting to clear the house makes no sense. It is a hard thing to do, but will be 1000x harder when you are back into the full flow of a normal teaching life.

I suspect you will have friends who could have supported you over recent weeks. It really is much easier for people without that attachment to do the bulk of the sorting. Clearing a whole house that you have a sentimental attachment to is a big job. It helps if you have a time limit to work towards. We were lucky in that we had someone who knew my parents let us know they would be interested in buying their property so we pushed ourselves to sort it quickly, boxing up and storing things we wanted to think about or keep for a while. If you wait until you are emotionally ready and also have time and energy, that time really isn't likely to come - you have to just collect things you really want and then get either professionals of friends to clear most of the "stuff".
Oddly, a young relative of mine is doing this at the moment. They lost their job, so accepted an offer from friend's parents to move in to empty Grandparents house and start clearing it - taking piles of books, clothes, etc to charity shops, putting paperwork and more personal stuff (jewellery etc) into piles for the family to sort.

Waveysnail · 01/08/2020 23:46

Friend paid a removal company and put her parents things onto storage when her dad died as she couldn't face it. About two years later she was able to face it.

tinselvestsparklepants · 02/08/2020 00:01

I second the idea of getting a removals firm to move things into storage for you if you have a time limit on clearing the house. However if you choose that option you may want to ask your DH or a friend to photograph some of the details of the house with its things in, before things are moved. I did this and it's nice to know I have those images saved. I did the lion's share of the clearing and it is hard work finding good homes for everything when you're grieving. I think having things boxed up and sorting them one box at a time - and not on site- may be helpful to consider? But whatever you do, ask for help. There will be things like jif and washing powder and jam jars that still need dealing with, as well as things with great sentimental value. But it's all tiring.

Shizzlestix · 02/08/2020 00:02

Entirely up to you. We had a removal company to empty mil’s house after we’d all been and taken any sentimental items. If the house is paid for, leave it if you want to, for as long as you need. You just need to consider utilities.

Charleyhorses · 02/08/2020 00:03

If it's just you, you do not have to do it in the next 4 weeks but do think about manageable chunks. You might find it best to write a list of what needs doing and picking a task and crossing it off. As pp suggested, storage can be a solution as well. I feel for you, it's a tough old thing.

Flowers009 · 02/08/2020 00:11

Please keep her room how it was as long as you can.

When my mum passed my aunt was so in a rush to clear her house, I hated it, it was because we were paying the bills but I didn't care unfortunately she was the executor of the will.

Bupkis · 02/08/2020 00:21

My mum died in June.

Unfortunately I had only 2 weeks to clear her property as it was a rental.

I had to do it on my own as my dh had to stay with the kids and my sister lives abroad.

I won't pretend it was easy, I was a bit of a wreck tbh. But I managed to get everything that seemed to be important to keep into boxes, which we've put into storage until my sister can come over. We then had a man with a van do a clearance job on the rest, and had a cleaner come in.

It did feel as though I was able to turn a page when it was done.

I'm sorry, it's so hard. Flowers

LizB62A · 02/08/2020 00:30

If there's no legal or other reason to do it quickly, you can take your time and do it when you're ready.

Sorry about your mum, I lost my mum nearly 3 years ago - it's tough, isn't it.... Flowers

Northernparent68 · 02/08/2020 01:06

I’m sorry for your loss. There are practical considerations, it’s not a good idea to keep a house unoccupied for a long period of time, it may invalidate insurance and it’s vulnerable to being burgled.

Original poster
Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 02/08/2020 08:32

Hi everyone, I'm so sorry to those of you who have also gone through losing a parent, it's very tough and painful to endure and I feel for you. I am worried about the house being unoccupied too, the insurance company is aware that it is.

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