To think it's too soon to clear Mum's home?

[Ellaandlouisqueenandking]

Hi. So I'm posting because in April I lost my wonderful Mum to covid and 5 years before that I lost my lovely Dad to dementia. Losing Mum has completely broken me. Also soon after Dad died I found out Mum had a terminal illness, so I focused as much as I could on being there for her, and didn't dwell on my grief much. So now I've been hit by double grief for both Mum and Dad. I struggle to sleep, eat properly, doing basic daily chores is a struggle. Indeed getting out of bed some days is a struggle. I feel relentlessly exhausted. Unable to do anything. Is this normal? I'm also being told by well meaning friends to start clearing Mum's house out, but I'm simply not ready. I will get the roof fixed as it's leaking. But clearing through Mum's home is painful and I'm just not ready. Is this silly of me? I'm a teacher and only have these 4 weeks left to do it. But getting on with it terrifies for me. What is wrong with me? My poor husband and daughter. I haven't been present for them at all. I couldn't be with Mummy when she took her last breath. I hate myself for that every day.

It's entirely up to you. My mum died last May and we had the house cleared and up for sale by September - but that was because she lived abroad and we were continuing to pay for insurance, council tax and other things while the house was still ours. We also wanted it to be lived in as soon as possible, it had been unloved by my mum during her last few years.

The house however is of secondary important. You need to take care of yourself and your grief first. We all react differently - for my Dsis and me, my mum's death was the end of a long road of misery for her (and us) and it was a blessing as well as something sad. You have been very hard hit - give yourself time to heal.

There are issues with council tax, I seem to recall, if the property isn't empty after a certain amount of time. What I will say though is try to take time to do what is right for you. DP encouraged me to clear everything out and get rid of everything as soon as possible. He was trying to do the right thing but looking back I should have given myself more time even if there ended up being a financial cost to doing that.
Sorry for your loss OP. It's an awful time.

Isn't this why Aboriginal people go on walkabout for a year or so, to process their grief when someone passes? It is our stupid culture that says, just get on with life as though nothing happened. Its wrong. It's a wound, a loss, it's not nothing. I'd be sitting crying in that house, surrounded by happy memories and the smell of their things. Dont clear it out right away x and I am sorry for your loss xx

Do whatever feels right op. It felt right to me to take my time, I had no rush.
Some people naturally like to get things done quickly.
That's OK but not what you want. Sometimes people just say anything to try and make conversations at awkward times.

Just take your time.... It will feel right when it feels right.

My mum died in March 2018 and it was only at the beginning of 2019 that I could face clearing her place out. Still took a long time though and I put it on the market in August last year. Don’t feel you have to rush. Take as long as you need - it’s an emotional process.

I don’t have siblings either which I think makes it harder as the responsibility for every relic it heirloom lies solely with you. Definitely get your family to help where they can ❤️

It's possible that you may find it therapeutic, OP.

I lost both my parents in less than a year. Both had dementia. When my DM died, the council gave me 2 weeks to clear the house. DPs were hoarders, and the house was filled to the gunwhales with stuff. It seemed impossible, but I had no choice, I had to crack on. My DB has MH issues and was too unwell to help.

For the first few days, the place was in such a state so that I couldn't even stay overnight, plus the boiler was broken so no heating or hot water initially. It was a 4-hour drive each way, because of road works. I was in a dreadful state, grief-stricken, exhausted, angry, couldn't stop crying, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat.

I spent 2 solid weeks clearing that house, registering the death and arranging the funeral. One w/end my mate and her BF came and helped for 2 days, apart from that, I did it all myself.

But when it was finally done, and I was heading back down the motorway for the last time, I got a strange feeling somewhere between relief and elation. It was amazing. I was still grieving, but in much more manageable way. It lasted a few weeks, iirc.

I think the whole process gave me some closure.

I too think you will benefit from your grief counselling.

Grief is different for everyone but to give you another perspective my father died in late May most of the personal stuff has been sorted (only a few boxes of photos remain) and we are preparing to put the house. We have been limited by the charity shops not taking stuff.

I do have siblings though and it has very much been a team effort.

Can I suggest that you get someone to take out any precious or high value items.

Sadly when my grandmother died the alarm in her house kept going off at night. The police in the end advised my mom and her siblings to clear out the house asap as they felt someone was setting off the alarm to time how long it would take the police to arrive.

Op sending you support. I had similar timeline if my dad dying and then my mum but for me it’s now over a year on.
You are still really new to the shock and grief and unless there is some pressing need then don’t worry about clearing your mums house.
You can list it or exchange until you have probate. In my case that took 6 months.
My/her insurance covered contents for 90 days after her death - then only buildings as it was unoccupied.
I removed some valuable things and had good neighbours with keys keeping an eye on things. I also was down at the house regularly to deal with paperwork but not to clear it.
Major clearing took place around 7 months later as it was being viewed for sale. House empties just before completion. All that time there was sorting and in my case liaising with siblings about stuff and removal of personal things.
You’ll find out that there some days you get a lot done, some days nothing at all.
Keep receipts etc for work done on house as your probate solicitor will want all estate expenses at some point.
You will get through this.
Support.

A few years' ago, a friend of mine lost his elderly mother very suddenly. He couldn't face clearing the house, so he got a very large storage unit and put all the contents in it, then once the house had been sold he felt able to clear the storage unit. It was a much easier thing for him to do as the furniture and personal items weren't in the house, and there was slightly less emotional attachment to the things.