Tired working Mum and house husband.

[3mmaH]

Hey MN,

Not sure I’m posting this in the right place, I’ve never put a thread before.
I work full time and my husband is a SAHP. He does everything, and I mean everything. I put my own freshly laundered clothes away and that is my only household chore. So I am very lucky, and I am grateful and I don’t want to change anything as this works well for us both and has done for the last few years.

But I am so tired and could do with actual rest on my own. Technically I get a lunch break at work (but we can’t use the canteen area at the moment because of social distancing) and I have an hour’s commute each way which is also technically time on my own.

My eldest child is 6, since he was born he’s needed very little sleep (6-8 hours max - yes GP&HV were astounded once they realised he genuinely doesn’t sleep!) and he is back in my room as he’s worried by everything going on, wetting the bed again and grinding his teeth and missing his friends, so he is waking up needing a cuddle in the night. My youngest is still feeding at 12am, 3am and 6am. I get in from work at 6pm, eat dinner, walk the dog and then the three of us go to bed. I don’t know how to get more rest and my husband does enough for us as it is!

And because I work full time I feel guilty if I am not with them 24/7 at the weekend.

Before lockdown I used to know that if I was really tired I could nip to my Mum’s for a cup of tea, I didn’t always do that, but knowing there was an open invitation made it easier to cope.

Anyone else feel the same? Or should I stop moaning?

Night weaning the baby will probably help, is that an option?
Can you have an hour to yourself each weekend day, and your DH have the same?

Yabu what time does your husband get to himself? If the sleeping is an issue then night weening the youngest seems like the most sensible option.

Oh OP that sounds tough. How old is the baby? Can you start removing the night feeds? A broken sleep is horrible it's no wonder you are tired! Dont beat yourself up about being tired and wanting a break, you're only human. DH sounds very supportive so perhaps chatting to him about how you're feeling may help?

Are you doing all the night wakings and feeding? If so or even if you’re doing some of it then I’m not surprised you’re exhausted; working full time with consistent interrupted sleep is hard.

Are you getting a lie in at the weekend? Can you try to get a morning to yourself (and give your husband the same)

@3mmaH What about one day lie in for you and the other for your DH at the weekends? Or a movie day? All watching a movie together wrapped up in bed, as a routine.

YABU after doing both I can tell you going to work was my break and still is much more easy then being with my kids all day. You get your commute, lunch and dog walk alone. This has to be a reverse as sounds unbelievable selfish.

At 9 months I stopped bf ds as sleep deprivation was making me ill... Felt guilty but absolutely was the right decision..

Shame OP, sounds utterly exhausting. The key seems to be the night wakings - are you doing them all? How old is your youngest?

Are you breastfeeding in the night? If yes then that’s hard but if not then share the night feeds. Also being at home full time with baby and doing all housework is way harder than going to work (in my opinion and I’ve done both)

How old is the baby?

Is your dh sharing night feeds?

I don’t know any SAHMs whose husbands do all the night wakings. So if you are doing all of them then it is no wonder you are tired. I struggled greatly when I went back to work after maternity leave and still seemed to be doing most of the night wakings.

What Mumoftwoyoungkids said. For the wohp to be doing all the night feeds is way outside the norm. You hear a lot about working dads who can’t possibly be up in the night at all, with the sahm doing them all, and she still usually gets called “lucky”.

I think night weaning the baby would be a big help - how old is he/ she?

Also you and your husband need to give each other a break on the weekends - a lie-one each, or an hour or two each over the course of the weekend would be a massive help to you both.

Yanbu It sounds like you need a bit of time off. I feel sort of similar to you. My husband is furloughed and I've had the joy of a full time house husband since March. I'm working from home. I'm so lucky in so many respects and I feel terrible for complaining but I'm knackered. There's no escape for me at the moment. When I'm not at my desk I have to take my son. He's hard work and I feel really guilty that I'm not the one looking after him. So at lunch or if I have quiet time or straight after the working day I take over to give oh a rest. But I have no time for myself. Not one minute. I feel too guilty to ask if I can go out - even though oh would say yes. Some weeks I don't leave the house for days.

My son is like yours he needs little sleep. He gets 8-9 hours sleep and us usually up at 6. So no time at the start or end of the day. I'd do anything for half a day to myself. I must sound c selfish as really I'm very lucky.

How olds the baby?

Sounds tough, but if this were the man posting, you’d be absolutely crucified. Can you wean the baby? Presumably he/she can’t breastfeed if you’re working, so bottle fed? When does your husband get a break as the stay at home dad?

You may not be allowed to use the canteen, but presumably you do get a lunch break/opportunity to chill?

You must be exhausted, but I imagine your husband must be too.
I am a SAHM and I definitely don’t manage to do everything around the house, though I feel run ragged.
My working husband still goes to our toddler in the night when I’m dealing with the baby. Is this something your husband could do with your 6 year old?
I know commuting time isn’t proper down-time, but it’s still time alone with your thoughts to read/listen to something, as is lunch hour and the dog walk. This time isn’t something your husband is getting and that can be so depressing. I would worry he’s also at risk of burning out or becoming depressed if he doesn’t get time away from the children.
Can you give each other a break at the weekends?
Honestly, small children are exhausting for all concerned and everyone deserves some downtime.

I would be weaning the youngest. You need proper sleep. It will change everything.

My DH works full time. I’m a sahm. I do the vast majority of housework, cooking etc. My kids are 5 and 2 and my eldest is a great sleeper and the toddler sleeps all night now thankfully. Although that’s only in the past few months.

DH and I give each other a lie in one weekend morning. Usually til around 9. And then we normally take both kids somewhere so that the other parent gets some alone time for a couple of hours at some point over the weekend. Some of that time is used for household jobs, but sometimes I might go out for lunch or a pedicure or to the shops and DH usually goes for a bike ride

You need down time too! You don’t need to be with your kids 24/7 on a weekend

How old is the baby? Unless they are very young I would be looking at ways to start cutting out some night feeds.

YANBU at all. I’m the same, work full time out of the house and have all through lockdown, 4 long days (out of the house 7-8), no real breaks. My partner works too but has been furloughed since March so is essentially a SAHP for now. He also does most of the chores and cooking (we do have a cleaner as well). I know I’m so lucky in that respect and I’m so grateful. I feel guilty even writing this reply.

I have one DS, 2, who still wakes at night to breastfeed once maybe 50% of the time, so nowhere near as bad as you have it. He’s always been low sleep needs but not as bad as your 6 year old! He does go to nursery 3-4 days a week again now as my partner could have to go back to work any day and we think it’s good for him, so my partner does get a break.

I also feel so guilty spending any time away from DS when I’m not working.

I don’t know what the solution is. I’m up now at 4am to go for a 10 mile run after feeding DS as I feel so guilty doing it when he is awake. But no, you aren’t just moaning. I feel exactly the same. My solution so far are these 4am runs I do once a week which still isn’t a proper break. I can’t have a lie in as I imagine you can’t as I have to breastfeed when DS wakes up then he is just “mummy mummy mummy” from then on.

The obvious thing is to stop breast feeding at night.

Your not unreasonable for feeling tired, you may be slightly unrealistic, this is just what it is with 2 young kids. Rest on your commute.

Give up breastfeeding!

Hope they have an early ish bedtime- can you have your evening?

This is bollocks. 2 kids, 2 parents. Share the night wakings. Tag team it. For example. One stays up with the 6yo, other one gets up early with the 6yo.

There is absolutely no way I would be having a 6yo and a baby in with me at the same time. Utter hell on earth.

You have a sofa at the very least, if not a spare room. Buy a proper quality sofa bed or one of those pull out daybed things from IKEA or whatever so one parent can sleep comfortably with the 6yo in a separate room.

What the wohp and the sahp do during the day is completely irrelevant to the issue of sleep deprivation. It is not sustainable to have sleep deprivation as we all know. It must be 50/50 or as close as possible.