Tired working Mum and house husband.

[3mmaH]

Hey MN,

Not sure I’m posting this in the right place, I’ve never put a thread before.
I work full time and my husband is a SAHP. He does everything, and I mean everything. I put my own freshly laundered clothes away and that is my only household chore. So I am very lucky, and I am grateful and I don’t want to change anything as this works well for us both and has done for the last few years.

But I am so tired and could do with actual rest on my own. Technically I get a lunch break at work (but we can’t use the canteen area at the moment because of social distancing) and I have an hour’s commute each way which is also technically time on my own.

My eldest child is 6, since he was born he’s needed very little sleep (6-8 hours max - yes GP&HV were astounded once they realised he genuinely doesn’t sleep!) and he is back in my room as he’s worried by everything going on, wetting the bed again and grinding his teeth and missing his friends, so he is waking up needing a cuddle in the night. My youngest is still feeding at 12am, 3am and 6am. I get in from work at 6pm, eat dinner, walk the dog and then the three of us go to bed. I don’t know how to get more rest and my husband does enough for us as it is!

And because I work full time I feel guilty if I am not with them 24/7 at the weekend.

Before lockdown I used to know that if I was really tired I could nip to my Mum’s for a cup of tea, I didn’t always do that, but knowing there was an open invitation made it easier to cope.

Anyone else feel the same? Or should I stop moaning?

Some of these replies seem really harsh - sleep deprivation is crap regardless of how helpful your partner is and how little you do at home! Also is night weaning a baby that easy?! (Genuine question on my part as my baby is almost 9 months and I still feed at night and the lack of sleep is shit but I'm pretty sure she needs it still and I suck it up for her benefit). Anyway, it sounds like it must be tough for you OP and I'm guessing it's also tough for your husband. Both of you must feel like you need a break (a real one, not just a commute!) I would try talking to him from the angle of how he is doing and what you can tweak to allow you both more down time. I say this from the perspective of someone currently on mat leave but shortly to become a SAHM. You should be fair to both of you.

Speak to your husband about carving out a little alone time for you both? He gets up with the kids on Saturday and let’s you lie in and you do the same for him on Sunday? Or you go out for coffee for a couple hours on a Saturday or whatever works for you guys?

I’ve got young children too so I know the struggles, me and my husband always forget to have any time to ourselves and it runs you into the ground eventually!

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread.

Make sure you're eating healthily with lots of fruit, vegetables and protein.
Take vitamins, if you're not already (including iron supplements).
Cut down on night feeds (depending on age of baby).
Share long lies at the weekend - your DH is probably tired too.
Share naps on the weekend - whoever didn't have a long lie gets an afternoon nap.
Use your lunch break for exercise. Is there a park near your work? If so, you could take a sandwich and power walk there. This might make you feel less tired.
Either sleep on your commute or, if you're driving, get some music/podcasts you can listen to so you feel you have some time for you.

Look into jay Gordon for night weaning if you're breast feeding. Night weaning changed my life I was able to see everything clearer and in general be kinder to myself. Sleep deprivation regardless of your day to day situation is horrific. Also inspire of the fact things are better than April we're still in the middle of a global pandemic. My son hasn't been in Montessori since March, hasn't had play dates or playgrounds or coffee shop visits, we haven't nipped to the shops or anything. It's still having a huge impact on our lives. So acknowledge that you're in the midst of a really tough time. Organise a meet up with friends for yourself at the weekend. Take the kids by yourself one day and let DH do it the next. I had a morning away from my 2 and that afternoon the eldest had me in stitches because I was probably listening to him for the first time in ages without a low level stress bubbling under the surface. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Also your DH might feel the same, talk to him. I find it better when my DH knows I'm struggling. Because he'll either support me, or he'll be in the same boat and suddenly you're not alone with your struggles.

Your husband needs to do the night feeding.

Sounds tough, but if this were the man posting, you’d be absolutely crucified
Sadly that's very true. It is well known fact on MN that working ft with 1h commute is much much less tiring than looking after children at home.

To be fair, you've got the night feeding which most working fathers wouldn't normally do.

It does sound like this is the bit you need to tackle first.

Your husband needs to do the night feeding
Don't be silly, remember, it needs to be shared!

Disturbed sleep is a nightmare! I would also suggest weaning baby if possible. I also think lockdown has caused everyone exhaustion, both mental & physical. So no doubt you & DH are feeling the effects of that

It’s the broken sleep that’s doing it, you need to night wean I think that’s the only issue as you have it pretty easy in all other aspects I can’t think of any more improvements to suggest!

I think Breastfeeding is incredibly tiring. Maybe look at giving that up if you can . (equiviliant to a 7 mile walk each day apparently!) At weekends can you go to Mums and socially distance ,or is that not able to happen where you are? Maybe a shopping trip for an hour or so? Your DH sounds great,however you still need an outlet as well .Before Lockdown my DH would play football a couple of evenings a week .(I am a SAHM with older DC) and he would be a lot happier after that!

You are allowed to moan. You will be tired working full time. I think what you should do is say to your partner on a Saturday can I have an hour or two hours to do whatever I want. Then offer him the same on a Sunday. So you can walk alone, take a bath, read a book, go to your mum's, whatever you enjoy. Because you need and deserve a break.

I think lockdown has messed alot of kids up! Mine were in a routine and DD was shattered from school so in bed by 7.45pm at the latest. My son took abit longer but he's just not a good evening sleeper either. Now my DD can keep going until midnight If I let her. She's not tired. We never grew up in these times either so we were lucky. These poor kids have had to acknowledge things can hurt us and make us unsafe at such a young age. Even though they know about other dangers, this is one that's reall taken over their lives and taken away most of their activities and routine. I think we will all be struggling until the kids are back at school and able to be kids again.

YABU, 3 hourly feeds during the night!!

Can you imagine a bloke complaining about this on here.

I don't understand why you can't still go and see your mum now? Yeah ok maybe not when we were in full lockdown but as you refer to 'nipping' round then it sounds like she's quite close to you. Even if she is shielding this comes to an end soon and presumably you could sit in the garden a distance away from one another?
Don't really understand why you have written it off completely if it is something that helps you cope?

Look for the light at the end of the tunnel - your eldest will be back in school soon and will hopefully start being less worried as his days get busier and closer to normal for him. I personally would also try weaning the youngest down to less frequent feeds - presumably if you are back at work they're not incredibly young?

Also don't feel you have to be around 24/7 on the weekends. My dad was the WOHP and mum SAHP but I don't recall missing my dad being around or having any less of a relationship with him. He would usually take me and my siblings out one weekend morning to give my mum a break, but then would also go out on his own cycling or to the pub or something for a few hours the other weekend day or in the evening, and my mum would do the same. Children don't need their parents to be around constantly, just consistently - so they know you won't always be there, but when they need you you will be.

Quality over quantity - a few hours playing just with your eldest one on one, with your attention focussed solely on him, then an hour or two having a nap, going to your mums or meeting a friend for a coffee is much better for both of you than spending 24/7 with him but being too tired to interact fully, or keeping an eye on him while playing with your phone or whatever.

Hi OP
How old is your youngest?
3 night feeds I would expect up to 6 months tapering down to none by a year ( presuming you are BF)
Also if your 6 year old is keeping you awake on top of this its just not sustainable.
Tbh the House husband vs work thing isnt really the issue here.
Sounds like you have a good balance being home to walk ddog and do DC bedtime routine.
Its your DC stopping you from sleeping

Thank you for all the messages.

Seems pretty clear that the consensus is night weaning is the way forward - wish me luck!

Thanks for the Jay Gordon tip. @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

@mushmonster The movie idea is good too, thank you.

My DH is very supportive and wouldn’t have a problem with the odd lie-in, I guess I need to get over the guilt.

@taraRoo I am very grateful to have my commute again for the same reasons, when I was WFH we agreed that I would stay at my desk for an extra half hour when I would usually be commuting which gave me a bit of time, apart from when I worked late.

@peanutbutterandfluff it sounds very similar, hope you enjoyed your run.

In answer to the questions:

I get that if I was a man I’d be crucified for moaning and probably labelled a chauvinistic pig at the least! That being said, Dads don’t bf!

I was the SAHP to begin with but DH struggled with pressures at work and I struggled at home, so we switched it over and it works! I remember how hard it is though so I am very conscious that he needs time to himself. He goes out for an hour or two each weekend morning and i make sure the kids (and me!) are upstairs before 8pm so he usually gets time to watch a bit of TV at night.

I don’t walk the dogs alone, I take the kids with me, so from getting home at 6pm until leaving the house at 7:40am weekdays the kids are with me.

My parents are shielding so we can only go into their garden and they can’t really play with the DC. Although they did make ‘cuddle sticks’ (cardboard hands on the end of 2 metre long canes so they can cuddle out of the door at a social distance!) before lockdown my dad would play with the kids and I would have a cuppa with my Mum. It also gave my DH a break too.

My youngest is one, we have weaned him on to cows milk during the day and I’m no longer expressing but he does still have a lot of milk at night, I’ve dropped the early evening feed recently, so just the bedtime and night ones to go!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with needing a rest, I'd just be conscious to do the same for your husband. For example could you book a hotel room for a night to get a good night's rest, but then give your husband some free time, e.g a day to go and do a hobby or something?
But that's more of a short term solution. Like PPs have said once the DC are sleeping well you'll feel a million times better.

Do you mean you got up with the DC at 8pm and thats it ?
No evening at all?
Mine were put to bed and then I had dinner with DH, relaxed etc

Go not got

@Shizzlestix

Sounds tough, but if this were the man posting, you’d be absolutely crucified. Can you wean the baby? Presumably he/she can’t breastfeed if you’re working, so bottle fed? When does your husband get a break as the stay at home dad?

You may not be allowed to use the canteen, but presumably you do get a lunch break/opportunity to chill?

If it were the man posting, he wouldn't be breastfeeding, so that's not a very sensible contribution.

This sounds so hard, I would be completely exhausted.

I am a SAHM, and have often mused with other SAHM friends that there is absolutely no way we would be able to work whilst up in the night regularly BF.

Looking after little ones is tough, but you can drift through your days if exhausted, hopefully they nap etc, you can all veg and watch TV, you can see a friend and talk junk.

Anything that needed me to be mentally acute would have been an absolute write off.

You definitely need to find a way to get you more sleep OP. If I understand correctly and you are dealing with both your children all night long and they both wake every night then I feel really sorry for you!

Hope you can work it all out :)