To give up with this friend?

[littlebobbybadger]

I'm literally at the end of my tether with a good friend of mine.
We've been friends for almost 20 years, not massively close for the entire time, but closer since we've had kids.
Anyway for the past few months she's been REALLY weird with me and I'm not entirely sure why.
It's been lockdown and I've not seen anyone, really spoken to anyone or done anything to upset her. I checked in with her once a week and she would take a few days and then send a 1 word reply.
Eventually she said "did you not hear about dave?" (Her DH)
I replied "no" and she told me he'd been in a minor car accident at the start of lockdown but had written off his very old car so had no way of getting to work, so they had no income.
I obviously didn't have a clue about this, she'd not mentioned it at any point and I'd not seen anyone to hear about it.
I obviously said I was sorry to hear this, and said I could give him a lift once or twice a week if needed. She replied a week later with another one word answer.
I'm just getting mightily pissed off, as I've obviously upset her in some way, but if she won't tell me then I can't do anything about it.
I'm putting in all the effort, as it's a shame to stop talking after 20 years and our kids are good friends, but I'm getting nothing back.
I've offered to pick them up, go to the park, have a cuppa round hers, for them to come here etc, and every time she'll reply 4 or 5 days later saying "yeah ok" and then will ignore me for another week.
I know I probably sound really pushy and maybe I should just leave it.
I want to be there for her, but there's no more I can do.
Would I be in the wrong to just step back now and not try anymore?

To add, from what I can see she seems fine in general. Posting on Facebook and Instagram, meeting up with friends, decorating her house etc, so I don't think there's anything seriously wrong with her.
It just seems to be me that she's totally blanking and I have no clue why.

Step back. She's not replying, you've tried.

I would just leave it for now.

Yes, just stop making an effort. She is rude for a start.

Yeah I think you're right.
I decided today that this would be the last effort I put in.
I'm not looking like a mug anymore!
It's a shame as we've been through a lot together over the years, but I can do no more!

OP, I think you need to step back from this one for a bit. She’s clearly got the hump but if she can’t be honest with you, I wouldn’t let her play games. You’ve been checking in with her regularly, you’re not a mind reader. YANBU. But stop chasing her now.

Stop messaging her. There’s nothing you can do if she won’t tell you what’s wrong!

Definitely going to step back.
I felt like it was worth trying to rectify whatever had happened, but it's been months now of me putting the effort in.
Even posted her DD some colouring bits as "friend" was posting on fb that her DD was bored at home during lockdown. Didn't even get a thank you.

My DH is a police officer so I think she thinks I must have known about her DH car accident, but it doesn't work like that. He works in a completely different area, and even if he did attend the accident it is confidential anyway.
That's genuinely all I can think of.

Stop pushing, she's already stepped away from you.

Her reasons may not be valid to you but they are valid to her.

She thinks you are lying about not knowing about the car crash.

Because you haven't known, then obviously you haven't been asking about the things she's mostly concerned about and she thinks you've been ignoring the crash and subsequent problems.

But yes, step back. Because if she didn't tell you, then how were you to know?

From your update about your dh I wonder if there is more to the crash?
Perhaps police involvement or her dh over the limit/some way at fault and she thinks you know and feels awkward/bad or that your judging her?

Although they doesnt explain the no thank you about the cratonsmaybe shes just odd?

Maybe she has a brain tumour

*crayons

God knows. But if she won't talk to me then there's nothing I can do. I've spoken to my family re everything and they've said keep trying, as we've been friends for a long time, but I'm done with trying.

Just send a vague "I'm here when you need me" trpe message then leave it.
That way the door is open for if or when she wants to talk again but you're not chasing her or constantly asking her questions

She sounds incredibly rude! Who cares what dramas Dave has been having? A minor car crash...? Pffft. Has she asked about you?? No? It is not because of Dave and his crash.

Just tell her, tara. Don't fade her. That is equally rude. And it also leaves the door open in the (extremely unlikely) circumstance that something untoward has happened.

Actually you're right. She's not asked about me and my lot the entire time!
How have I only just seen this?
Even more determined now to just leave her to it.

@Needcoffeecoffeecoffee

Just send a vague "I'm here when you need me" trpe message then leave it. That way the door is open for if or when she wants to talk again but you're not chasing her or constantly asking her questions

I don’t think you should do that. It makes you look desperate. You’ve already tried with minimum effort back so just leave it. I wouldn’t let anyone treat me this way not matter how long we’d been friends

Yeah I'm just going to totally leave it now. The ball is in her court.
It's also just dawned on me that it's been mine, and my 2 dc's birthdays during lockdown and she didn't even send a text, which is something she's done religiously for the past 10+ years.
She's clearly very upset with me, but I've given up trying now!

Have you asked her directly what is wrong - “things seem difficult between us, but I honestly don’t know why? It seems a shame after 20 years” or similar?

@livefornaps

Maybe she has a brain tumour

Maybe she's been abducted by aliens and one of them is pretending to be her.

We are making stuff up now aren't we?

She definitely has the hump because you didn't get in touch and ask after Dave. You've told her you didn't know and if she doesn't believe you then that's her problem. She was rude not replying to your texts and not saying thankyou for her daughters gift. Sod her, let her get in with it. You know you have done nothing wrong. It's her loss.

Yep I've messaged saying "you've been very quiet, is all ok" and telling her I've been thinking about her.
All she'll reply days later is "thanks" or "thanks for asking" but she won't elaborate. So frustrating.

I actually agree with the direct approach. "You've withdrawn. I'm really sad. I miss you. What happened? I'm going to leave you alone now because this is making me feel really bad. Hope you understand and are ok. Always here if things are difficult."

There is no shame in saying you are hurt and confused, but also assertjng some boundaries and making clear you are saying bye for now. That way you keep your dignity and acknowledge your feelings but also make clear you will not be treated like shit.