To give up with this friend?

[littlebobbybadger]

I'm literally at the end of my tether with a good friend of mine.
We've been friends for almost 20 years, not massively close for the entire time, but closer since we've had kids.
Anyway for the past few months she's been REALLY weird with me and I'm not entirely sure why.
It's been lockdown and I've not seen anyone, really spoken to anyone or done anything to upset her. I checked in with her once a week and she would take a few days and then send a 1 word reply.
Eventually she said "did you not hear about dave?" (Her DH)
I replied "no" and she told me he'd been in a minor car accident at the start of lockdown but had written off his very old car so had no way of getting to work, so they had no income.
I obviously didn't have a clue about this, she'd not mentioned it at any point and I'd not seen anyone to hear about it.
I obviously said I was sorry to hear this, and said I could give him a lift once or twice a week if needed. She replied a week later with another one word answer.
I'm just getting mightily pissed off, as I've obviously upset her in some way, but if she won't tell me then I can't do anything about it.
I'm putting in all the effort, as it's a shame to stop talking after 20 years and our kids are good friends, but I'm getting nothing back.
I've offered to pick them up, go to the park, have a cuppa round hers, for them to come here etc, and every time she'll reply 4 or 5 days later saying "yeah ok" and then will ignore me for another week.
I know I probably sound really pushy and maybe I should just leave it.
I want to be there for her, but there's no more I can do.
Would I be in the wrong to just step back now and not try anymore?

Ah ok cross post. You've done the ameliorative stuff. That's it. There is nothing more you can do. Protect yourself here. My guess is that Dave has fucked someone else and there is bad fallout. I may be wrong.

I suppose it's too old-fashioned to speak to friends instead of messaging? It certainly seems less prone to misunderstandings!

The OP has tried to meet up. What more can she do?? Likely a call would be bounced.

I hate leaving things hanging so, if I were you, I'd message her and let her know (nicely) that you're stepping back...Say something like "Hi X, we haven't been in touch for a while and I don't want to keep messaging you if you'd prefer that I left you alone. I know things have been tough lately. I hope they improve and I'm here for you if you need me but I understand you don't want to be in touch at the moment."

The other option is to fade her....Which is what she's doing to you but I just couldn't do it back.

Have you asked her directly what is the matter ?

I wouldn't be able to just walk away without one last message. To point out her unusual distance, no birthday greetings, her not checking in at all etc etc, and to ask outright why this is and what you've done. And say that you're assuming that she no longer wants contact, but you'd appreciate knowing, and if she does want to save the friendship then the ball is in her court. Obviously, more succinctly than that 😂

I hate it if I've hurt someone and they don't tell me. None of us are perfect, and if we are behaving in a way that is causing us to be cut out I'd much rather know the truth and be able to reflect on my part in it and change, if necessary. If she's not offering an explanation, I'd have to ask. You can at least give yourself closure that way, even if she won't.

"Df, we've been friends for 20 years so I thought our friendship deserved one last text. I've messaged you throughout lockdown, dd has sent a gift over, you haven't acknowledged birthdays, I can barely get a one word answer from you days later! So obviously something has happened. If you want to fill me in, message me back, if not I'll leave it here. "

Yeah see I'm really struggling just leaving things hanging.
But I'm worried I just look desperate now.
She can see that I've tried numerous times.
I just want to keep my dignity at this point!

OP, I think there's probably much more going on behind the scenes other than the DHs car accident. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors. I'd give her some space for a bit. You've tried to help and support her so now I would leave her to contact you.

It's unfair of her to make you feel like this...This is why ghosting is so pernicious.

I think you can send a 'goodbye' text without losing your dignity in order to gain some closure.

I just feel a bit sad that I've seen her all over social media commenting on other friends photos of holidays, their kids, days out etc, while totally ignoring me.
Surely if there was something that bad going on behind closed doors she wouldn't be gushing over everyone's social media whilst ignoring my texts and posts.
I know this is really really petty, but she put a photo of her dd on Facebook. About 10 people commented, including myself, and she liked and replied to every comment bar mine, which she totally ignored.
I feel like I'm at school again. I just don't get it!
We are almost 40 for gods sake!

Why don’t you just call her? Messaging will get you nowhere. Call and talk to her and if it doesn’t get any better - then cut her off I think

She sounds awful. I wouldn't carry on playing her cruel games.

Dont care about 'dignity ' we all need to show some vulnerability sometimes you've been freinds ffs for 20 years . one last txt saying you care your are there for her , but you are also upset and hurt . then leave it .
distractions or tactics to take your mind of this, otherwise you'll go insane ;-/ wondering and thats not healthy.
truth will out eventually and is she's not ready to share respect that

Social media counts for nothing... I've seen some absolute grandstanding on there!

But it is fine to want to make one last sally. I personally think that is the decent thing to do.

Some people are just totally screwed up and you discover too late in the game that they are not good people. Others are having an awful time.

Any friend worth their salt will come back if you are kind but firm. The twunts won't. And you need not be embarrassed or ashamed or anything negative here. You carried yourself with dignity. It's horrible to be hurt but you have done nothing wrong.

OP I had similar happen to myself, long term girlfriend just ghosted me out of the blue. After few months of similar situ to yourself I just sent a message saying ‘sorry Iv obviously upset u in some way but do know I never intentionally did so & wished her well’. I agree sounds desperate however u are to be honest, it awful wen a long term friendship is like this.
I did get a long reply listing things I had done wrong over the years, i had no idea she felt so mad at me, I was so upset that I never replied as had no idea she felt that way & felt deceived after years of wat I thought was friendship. It’s bad form of a friend to be passive aggressive & really u don’t need it in your life. Hopefully uv much better friends around you.

And I am very much with @spudlike1 ... what is this supposed dignity for? Sounds an awful lot like pride to me, which is not a noble emotion. It's much better to admit your feelings but make boundaries.