AIBU to have put my foot down about parent seeing twins after socialising?

[bookstearocknroll]

I've upset my genuinely lovely mother today by telling her that she can't spend one on one time looking after my 6 month old twins if she is sharing a car with her friends, as was planned this morning.

She was meant to be picking up a friend to go to an exhibition (said friend is always blagging lifts, but that's another story!) and had planned to drive with the windows down and masks on.

The risk of doing so was probably absolutely tiny but my brain is telling me the guidance is there for a reason and that she shouldn't be risking driving with others in her car during a pandemic, especially given that she's 70 and diabetic, never mind anything else.

I told her I didn't want to control her life or stop her seeing her friends but if she was going make the choice to share the car with her friend then she would only be able to see my children at a distance for the next couple of weeks and not cuddle them.

She was really upset and torn as it's only this past week that we've relaxed enough to let her hold them and babysit them again after lockdown. I told her even that had been us bending the guidelines and that we're not really prepared to go another step into risk territory by exposing the boys (who were very premature) to another household via her exhibition trip.

It meant that she cancelled her trip, let her friend down and all parties were upset. I feel so guilty about it, given that at this stage, the risk probably is very minimal - was I being unreasonable? It seems like the whole world is getting back to normal and I feel like a right bitch being so strict when all I'd like is for the twins to know their relatives!

I think you have to decide what level of risk you are happy with. I don't think you were being a bitch at all.

If I am being honest I wouldn't really be bothered by the car sharing aspect. I assume she knows her friend and knows what she has been doing during lockdown. There would have been little difference between them travelling separately and meeting at the exhibition or going together. In fact the exhibition itself would have probably been more problematic in terms of who she came in contact with.

I think you were being over the top.

YABU. There is no pandemic any more.
More people die of flu than Covid now.
Your mother is right to be upset. You risk damaging your relationship with your mother because you are irrational.

Everyone has to make their own decisions and if I had premature 6mo twins I would err on the side of caution as well. The only risk is your mum does stuff without telling you!

Did you expect your DM to listen to you? Is she easily persuaded by the people she is around I.e. her friend?

She listened to what you had to say, decided that visiting you and your twins was more Important than her friend and changed her mind about visiting her friend. I am wondering what has upset you about this.

@Apolloanddaphne

If I am being honest I wouldn't really be bothered by the car sharing aspect. I assume she knows her friend and knows what she has been doing during lockdown. There would have been little difference between them travelling separately and meeting at the exhibition or going together. In fact the exhibition itself would have probably been more problematic in terms of who she came in contact with.

I know the friend has been seeing a lot of her own family and is a bit of a Government sceptic too so not sure how strictly she's been sticking to lockdown.

I'm less bothered about the exhibition than the car simply because the car's much more of a confined space. I'm no scientist so that logic might be flawed, but the guidelines as they stand (I believe, haven't checked for a few days) still don't let you share cars but do let you go out to exhibitions.

Sorry, I think the risk was really only to her and therefore, for her to mitigate. And she was, with masks and windows.
But your babies, your choice.

My twins were very prem, and i do get it. You didn't force her not to see her friend. You told her you wouldn't be comfortable letting her hold the babies and she made her own choices. Mine were born 9 weeks early, so at 6 months were more like small 4 month old. I wouldn't have risked it either and normally I'm really laid back about stuff like this.

Basically, she makes her own choices and you make choices on behalf of your babies. Which is the way it should be.

@Lunar567 YABU. There is no pandemic any more.
More people die of flu than Covid now.
Your mother is right to YABU.

Given you have two very premature babies to think about no I dont think you were.

Risk is a personal balance and whereas for my own balance it would be fine for yours I think you were right

Sorry what I meant to say was

YABU. There is no pandemic any more.
More people die of flu than Covid now.
Your mother is right to be upset. You risk damaging your relationship with your mother because you are irrational.

And this folks is the problem.

@Lunar567

YABU. There is no pandemic any more. More people die of flu than Covid now. Your mother is right to be upset. You risk damaging your relationship with your mother because you are irrational.

I wouldn't really want my babies exposed to the flu either, to be honest! They're still fairly vulnerable.

My mum's been really understanding, there's no damage to our relationship as a result.

Yanbu. You children so your choice about what level of risk to expose them too. I have 3 month old twins and am wouldn’t let my parents visit for 2 weeks when they had been to the pub with 3 other households....

I think you are being a bit OTT. But the pandemic is certainly not over, and I can understand your concern.

Our family aren’t speaking to us because we’ve insisted on keeping apart. But we also have a prem baby, and we feel that keeping distanced is the responsible thing to do on a societal level.

There is no pandemic any more?

What are people on about? Covid hasn't gone away, cases are currently low because people have been in lockdown. It is still there and will come back if and when people start going back to normal. The WHO havent declared the pandemic over

I am a grandmother and think you are being very reasonable, we are still following the guidelines and haven’t hugged our grandchildren yet. There might not be a Pandemic but there is still risk.

There is no pandemic any more why have the government imposed more restrictions on those of us who live in Greater Manchester etc?

@Lunar567 you'd best tell the WHO then and the government too considering the new restrictions for the north of England

Prem babies are very vulnerable at the best of times. My twins almost died because family didn't tell us they were ill when they came to visit. Both ended in hospital afterwards with bronchiolitis. No-one has a right to tell you that you can't assess that risk for yourself.

I think you are being very sensible! The distancing guidance is there for a reason. Covid cases have dropped because we've been in lockdown, but now people are out and about we are already starting to see a rise again with local lockdowns. You put your babies health first and that's the right thing to do. Of course your mum is upset but I'm sure she understands.

Woohoo! Thank you so much, I didn’t realise it was all over. When did the pandemic go? Did I miss something whilst I had a nap this afternoon?

What a bloody ridiculous statement to make.

@bookstearocknroll you make the decisions you’re comfortable with. Glad all is well with you and your dm

Unfortunately all the idiots that think that the pandemic is over are exactly the reason you are not being unreasonable. Even if your mother has been sensible how many of them has she unwittingly been in contact with and been put at risk by? How many of them has her friend been in contact with?