Caused double upset with birthday photos

[Rae36]

Dmil has dementia. She regularly gets my sons muddled up, they look quite similar at the best of times and since I could only do one style of lockdown haircut they look even more similar than usual right now. Not being able to remember their names really upsets her.

I printed out some recent photos to give her, just printed them out on plain a4 paper on our home printer and cut them up. I was saying to ds14 that we should write on the back who each person is and he suggested sticking them on to a piece of paper and writing underneath so she can see the photo and the name at the same time.

We looked in some drawers and dug out an unused scrapbook, sellotaped each photo on to a page and wrote a caption underneath. Gave the book to mil who was delighted.

This past week I've had messages from dh's older daughter who is 23 saying that she's upset about being in only one photo in the book. There are maybe 20 photos in the book in total, just a random selection of photos. We've only seen dsd once since lockdown and took a photo on that day which is in the book, she doesn't live near us and she works in a busy job so it's hard to meet up. We don't usually see her that often anyway. Dh's older son is not in the book at all, even though we see him quite often, and he's not bothered.

Dh's sister then also contacted us to say that she is upset that we produced a photo book for mil and her kids are not included. Her kids are older teens, we haven't seen them at all since Christmas. She has seen the book, she knows it's home printed photos stuck in an old kids scrapbook with Mickey Mouse on the front, but she is still upset. Said that she feels that we want mil to remember our kids names but not hers.

If I had produced an expensive online photo book deliberately aimed at helping her remember and recognise each family member then I can see that not including everyone would not have been good. I wouldn't have done that. But was IBU in spending 20 minutes making a quick scrapbook and writing names on it?

I thought I was doing something nice and now I wish I hadn't bothered.

Did I do the wrong thing?

(Bearing in mind that in the past sil has given mil calendars for Christmas with photos of just her kids on them, and one year dsd gave a set of 4 cushions with 4 different photos of her riding her horse printed on them. No attempt to include all grandchildren equally, no complaints from me)

You're not being unreasonable at all. Sister in law can make her own book or print out photos of her children and stick them in your book if she's that bothered can't she?

It’s a pity you can’t pick your family

What a mean and horrible family you have! You do something really nice for your MiL, and they complain that you didn't include them? There is nothing stopping them from doing something similar to your scrapbook. I'd suggest you tell them where they can find photos and some glue. In the nicest way, of course!

Outrageous.

OK, sil is U, I can ignore her.

I take the point that dsd might be upset.

We all (sil, me, dsd, dss) quite often give mil photos of our immediate family units. Dsd regularly sends photos of herself, dss hardly ever does. Sil does practically every week. So it's not unusual for me to send mil a bundle of photos. It's just that this time we stuck them to a piece of paper and wrote names underneath.

It did strike me at the time that there are about 10 photos of youngest son who is still of an age to do funny things and not mind me taking photos of him, as you get older you seem to appear in less photos. I had to try quite hard to find photos of the 14 yr old. But he's not bothered.

We are going to see mil next weekend so I'll ask dsd if she wants to send me some photos to add while we're there. Or I might ask her if she wanta stick in some of the photos she's sent recently.

Someone asked about Dh. He never noticed. I'm not sure he even looked at them. It was such an afterthought on our part. I will obviously think everything through much more in future.

I understand why she's upset and think it's strange that neither you or your son thought to include a picture of her or your DH's other son.

But MiL has 4 cushions to see DSD's face on!

@Jaxhog

I understand why she's upset and think it's strange that neither you or your son thought to include a picture of her or your DH's other son.

But MiL has 4 cushions to see DSD's face on!

Exactly what I was thinking. I would be saying, well it's great she has those cushions. And to SIL, it's great she has those calendars.

And then leave it at that.

Don't be put off! You did a kind thing and it was well received. Other responses are not important.

After my husband's brain injury I took a similar collection of named photos to pin up beside him in the hospital-so that he could remember and talk about our young children.

His sisters (who usually only saw him a few times a year) were angry that pictures of them and their children were not on the wall.

We coped with their hurt feelings... and got on with more important matters but I have not forgotten.

Bearing in mind that in the past sil has given mil calendars for Christmas with photos of just her kids on them, and one year dsd gave a set of 4 cushions with 4 different photos of her riding her horse printed on them. No attempt to include all grandchildren equally, no complaints from me)

I’d remind them of this to shut them up. But then again, I don’t take to people’s bullshit kindly.

So neither of your MIL's actual children stirred themselves to do any of this? But one of them and one of her adult grandchildren is now complaining? Fuck that. You're doing all the work here, bless you, and I would remind them of that. How often are they going to visit her or sending her things?

dementia is traumatic for families. I think you have to allow people to just be unreasonable on this
It is, and I have first hand experience of this with my dad. But that's where these family members should be more grateful that OP is doing so much, and I don't think she should have to suck this up too. It will also be traumatic for her.

Apologize to them, email them any photos that you used so that they can create a lovely inclusive family photo book. Tell them what a fantastic idea it was of theirs. Then, tell everyone else in the family what a great idea they have had (so that they cannot wriggle out of it). Then finally, criticize the photo book when it's been completed!

I hate it when people turn a nice thing into something negative.

You did a nice thing.

Given that you all send photos to her regularly I think your (adult, independent) DSD is being a bit over sensitive (but I can be too, so I I understand her unjustified upset - she just needs the facts pointed out to her - they're photos of the boys in lockdown and they're just in a book & named tai Gran has a chance of remembering which is which & you've only seen her once and included that phone and Gran doesn't mix her up with anyone)

But you SIL just needs to be told to stuck her head back up her own arse where it obviously spends most of its time. Or if you want to be polite 'sue, it's a few snaps if the kids in a scrap book. It's not like I had a calendar professionally
Printed is it?! 😊'

DO NOT let them spoil your mood over it & do not let them stop you doing other things for her.

🌷

What a lovely thoughtful present.
If only your sister in law was thoughtful enough to do one too!!

Ignore it, it was a lovely gift from your family to your mother in law- did you ask your sister in law why she didn’t put your name on the gift they gave mother in law?

@1WildTeaParty

Don't be put off! You did a kind thing and it was well received. Other responses are not important.

After my husband's brain injury I took a similar collection of named photos to pin up beside him in the hospital-so that he could remember and talk about our young children.

His sisters (who usually only saw him a few times a year) were angry that pictures of them and their children were not on the wall.

We coped with their hurt feelings... and got on with more important matters but I have not forgotten.

How is your DH now?

We did the same with my Godson when he had a brain injury after an accident. He was in an induced coma for a long time. His future was uncertain, let alone his memory.

Had anyone botched about who was or wasn't 'on the wall' Or in the small photo album, they'd have got VERY short shrift and probably my foot up their arse.

It would be very gracious of you to co ordinate a proper photo book and ask people to contribute.

If the others are that bothered let them do it. OP did a lovely thing as a dementia aid for MIL. When MIL was in a care home DH and I had pictures printed of each of us with her. It wouldn't have occurred to me to print ones of other members of the family.

@Arthersleep

Apologize to them, email them any photos that you used so that they can create a lovely inclusive family photo book. Tell them what a fantastic idea it was of theirs. Then, tell everyone else in the family what a great idea they have had (so that they cannot wriggle out of it). Then finally, criticize the photo book when it's been completed!

Definitely. I like this!

I honestly don’t know how people refrain from replying ‘JUST FUCK OFF’ sometimes.

YANBU OP.

Why can’t they make their own?

I love @ Arthersleep 's idea!

@IncrediblySadToo I hope that your Godson was one of the 'lucky' ones and that you are all much less sad now.

My husband was in a coma for quite a while - was left paralysed for a while after that - but got to live and (eventually) to get back most of his other life. He (we) have some serious reminders of the accident, but saw enough on the wards to be seriously grateful for every day that has passed since. You see people as they reallly are in such times. Some are amazing - really amazing. The help support and love we were given got us all through those times. (Something else I won't forget :) )

No good deed goes unpunished...

No advice but you did a good thing by trying to bring the family together....

Jesus Christ your husband’s family is batshit.

This says it all. Just ignore the lot of them.

If times were normal then it would have been useful to include your stepchildren.

But times are not normal, you included the only photo you had of DSD ad you haven't seen DSS in recent times to include him.

Your SIL is ridiculous - there is no reason she can't produce her own book of her own kids - she's just got her nose out of joint because you thought of it and she didn't!

I'd ignore the lot of them, tbh. MIL was the recipient and she was happy with it, that's really all that matters.

God, they sound like hard work

They are jealous. Don’t tolerate this nonsense.

Suggest they produce their own scrap book or photo book. How petty!