Caused double upset with birthday photos

[Rae36]

Dmil has dementia. She regularly gets my sons muddled up, they look quite similar at the best of times and since I could only do one style of lockdown haircut they look even more similar than usual right now. Not being able to remember their names really upsets her.

I printed out some recent photos to give her, just printed them out on plain a4 paper on our home printer and cut them up. I was saying to ds14 that we should write on the back who each person is and he suggested sticking them on to a piece of paper and writing underneath so she can see the photo and the name at the same time.

We looked in some drawers and dug out an unused scrapbook, sellotaped each photo on to a page and wrote a caption underneath. Gave the book to mil who was delighted.

This past week I've had messages from dh's older daughter who is 23 saying that she's upset about being in only one photo in the book. There are maybe 20 photos in the book in total, just a random selection of photos. We've only seen dsd once since lockdown and took a photo on that day which is in the book, she doesn't live near us and she works in a busy job so it's hard to meet up. We don't usually see her that often anyway. Dh's older son is not in the book at all, even though we see him quite often, and he's not bothered.

Dh's sister then also contacted us to say that she is upset that we produced a photo book for mil and her kids are not included. Her kids are older teens, we haven't seen them at all since Christmas. She has seen the book, she knows it's home printed photos stuck in an old kids scrapbook with Mickey Mouse on the front, but she is still upset. Said that she feels that we want mil to remember our kids names but not hers.

If I had produced an expensive online photo book deliberately aimed at helping her remember and recognise each family member then I can see that not including everyone would not have been good. I wouldn't have done that. But was IBU in spending 20 minutes making a quick scrapbook and writing names on it?

I thought I was doing something nice and now I wish I hadn't bothered.

Did I do the wrong thing?

(Bearing in mind that in the past sil has given mil calendars for Christmas with photos of just her kids on them, and one year dsd gave a set of 4 cushions with 4 different photos of her riding her horse printed on them. No attempt to include all grandchildren equally, no complaints from me)

You have helped your mil and they are being nasty instead of thanking you. What a bunch of twats. I’d say “you’re right, I always mess it up, you should make the book” then leave them to it. Your ds sound lovely, kind and thoughtful. I’d send photos next Xmas, framed with names underneath for her, what a great idea the book was. I’m going to make one for my grandma

Yeah they are being unreasonable

Like you said, it was a last minute addition and you didn’t have photos of the others.

They don’t include your children when it comes to things like this, so why must you include theirs?

Let her silk

@DomDoesWotHeWants Same!

YANBU, OP! Tell them all to make their own bloody book if they are really so bothered.

book not boom obviously but yeah I would leave them to it. Sounds like they’ll see problems where their isn’t any and you won’t win whatever you do.

@Womencanlift

One photo of you DSD and loads of you own children screams like an after thought to me which is why yes you are VU 🤷‍♀️

It’s not a 5 year old DSD. It’s an adult woman, with a house and a job. She could make her grandmother a photo book entirely of herself if she wanted to.

It’s weird how on MN people see ‘step’ and imagine all the children to be tiny little Cinderellas, conveniently ignoring their ages or circumstances.

Her (also adult) brother doesn’t give a shit because it’s really not the sort of thing you’d care about.

The older DD is being over sensitive, the SIL is fucking batshit.

I think I’d say to dsd - I can see how you’d feel like that but I this is about mil remembering how you all look now and I only had one recent pic of you which I made sure to include. There are more pages to fill - please send me/mil photos and we’ll paste in.

I would say they purely because I am projecting hugely as I am ALWAYS missed out if things like this as people NEVER take my photo.

I’d say to SIL - I did something nice for mil and you’re making me wish I didn’t bother. Why do you think you’ve felt such a need to turn my nice gesture into a fight?

So I am clearly feeling quite ambivalent about your predicament! 😂

I think they are a tiny bit jealous , because they didn't think of it , you could say you are welcome for them to do something similar

You had a last minute idea of a lovely thing to do. I'm sure your MIL really likes the album.

Nothing to do with SIL so she can be completely ignored.

SD is a grown woman. Of course there will be more photos of your own dc: they live with you, they are children, the whole point of the album is to help MIL distinguish between 2 boys who look like each other. If SD isn't happy, she should have asked you to take more photos at the time. She can still add extra photos of her own if she wants.

Ignore the tantrumming relatives and hold on to the fact that you did a good thing from good motives.

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels Ha I don’t imagine the DSD is a Cinderella at all. A present has went from DH’s family to his mother (via the OP) and has only included half the family.

Step or not that to me is a bit shit. It would have taken all of two minutes for OP or her DH to contact both children and said we are doing a nice thing for your gran if you have any nice pictures you want included send them over

To me not doing that is the strange thing as it’s what I would do with my family and I know they would do for me regardless the ages of the people involved

They are all making a fuss over nothing , your step daughter is an adult if she wants granny to have photos of her there is no reason why she can’t give her a photo . As for SIL , well she’s just mad , why would you put her children in a photo book that you’ve made of your children even if it was a more professional one .

It's less a present though than a dementia aid...

It's some photos printed out and stuck on paper, rather than a fancy book.

I don't think your DSD is being overly sensitive. She probably went to visit her grandma, saw the photobook and had a flick through. As she obviously knows that her grandma struggles to remember people, in her eyes, the photos probably seemed like 'these are your grandchildren's faces, these are the ones you need to remember', like she's been forgotten about. I understand why she's upset and think it's strange that neither you or your son thought to include a picture of her or your DH's other son.

Your SIL on the other hand can do her own photo book. You've made one of your children. She can do the same. She is being unreasonable.

I'd reply to all of them 'the book's very easy to make, here's the instructions. I'm sure Rae36 MIL would love to have one from each of you'.

My late mum had dementia and it helped her to have a separate book of photos of ... her sisters, mum and dad (helped with the childhood memories), each of her daughters separately with their individual families. Mum found it hard connecting people sometimes and too many people confused her further. By having my DSis 1 and her family in one book she could connect that my nephews were my DSis1's children. My DSis2 had her, her DH and her DD in hers. With baby photos of her DD right through to adulthood. Mum could connect the baby she remembered to the adult she couldn't quite place.

I personally think individual family photo albums are great as that person can pick their one up and talk about just a few people. Otherwise it's a bit like being introduced to a host of people you don't know at a party - except in this case you know you should know who they are.

Did your DH - DSD's actual, you know, FATHER say, at any point, 'hey, let's get some pics of DSD and put them in too, I know, I'll text her and ask her to send some over'?

No?

Then I wouldn't worry. If he'd thought she would be genuinely upset, or thought that her photos belonged in the scrap book, or thought that his DD was incapable of making her own scrap book or sending her own pictures to her GM, then he would have interjected, wouldn't he? He didn't, it's not your fault.

Seems people are jealous of you finding a nice fun way for grandma to remember the children. Don't worry or over think it, if they want to do a book let them crack on with it.
Tell SD to add a photo herself when she visit het grandma next.
People struggle in so many ways with dementia and it's hard for people to not feel it's personal if they are 'forgotten'. Your family may just be struggling with this a little
Is SD one of the older GC ? Maybe suggest she gathers photos of all cousins and does a book of frames collage if it means so much.

It's a lovely idea OP and I think they are just annoyed that they didn't think of it first... And a bit narcissistic.

I bet DMIL would be upset if she realised the upset a gift for her caused.

In so far as your SIL is concerned YANBU at all. The scrapbook was of your family. As you say, she has had calendars printed of only her own DCs in the past.

For DSD though - yes YABU. There should also be a photo or photos of DSS whether he is bothered or not. You are one family. I understand why DSD feels left out, particularly as the purpose of the gift was to help MIL remember her DGCs names. For me, all DGC in one family should be included equally - whether they are 35 or 3.

Jesus Christ your husband’s family is batshit.

I’d be unable to stay polite.

@Hardbackwriter

one year dsd gave a set of 4 cushions with 4 different photos of her riding her horse printed on them.

You're not dealing with sane and normal people here

Very, very true.

If dsd is the only girl then mil won't be confusing her with your ds's. They sound like a bunch of knobs tbh.
Find the most unflattering photos of the ridiculous adults in this scenario and make mil a calendar for Xmas. A big ugly photo of sil for January with a mouth full of food for example...

My mum is an only child. I am an only child. DS is an only child. Thank fuck we don’t have to go through any of this crap that families bring. 🙈

Tell SIL to crack on with her own book and your DSD to act like the adult she is. Sheesh. YADNBU.

I would just say that all of the photos are from lockdown (when the kids couldn't see their Gran) and that the kids made it themselves.

It's not your fault that you only saw the older sister once through lockdown (and she's an adult, ffs), nor is it your responsibility to make scrapbooks of other people's children!

You've done nothing wrong at all. It's just bollox.

A big ugly photo of sil for January with a mouth full of food for example... ooo have it printed on a fuck off huge floor cushion or a blanket to wrap round mil's legs. Top plan!

Oh ffs shes a grown woman with her own kids- she can make her own book if shes so bloody needy.
As for the DSD, dont even entertain this nonsense. Again she can make her own pictures. OP you have done nothing wrong. Dont even try justify yourself with this ridiculous people. They need to grown up and get over themselves.