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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

holidays, furlough, partners who want holidays.

29 replies

Jarli · 01/08/2020 11:29

My partner works in a role where he has to take holidays at certain times of the year. He's just been given two weeks leave at short notice (around 48 hours). I have just gone back to work from being furloughed - I am working 80% of the week but my hours have been extended in some shitty loophole. I have for four months done absolutely everything whilst he has worked, including working full time for some of it (he also had to live away since much earlier than lockdown).

I haven't moaned or complained once but I am really fucking exhausted. As we were counted as a single parent household I formed a support bubble with family and we all (apart from him) went home for two weeks- I worked my hours throughout this but did get a bit of a break too with childcare, cooking etc.

My partner is now in a complete and utter huff because I won't take annual leave and have two weeks off with him. To do this would mean i would have to work overtime to cover a holiday later in the year.

He's still not living at home so he's not pulling any weight around the house etc. His second plan is to have a holiday here and do something everyday but I seriously don't have the energy for that either.

He won't take the kids on his own to see his family either (my suggestion).

Am I being hugely unreasonable in refusing to agree to doing a holiday thing everyday around work things and expecting him to even think about taking the children and giving me a bit of a break or am I being remotely acceptable in thinking like this?

OP posts:
RNBrie · 01/08/2020 11:31

I'm confused... are they his kids? If so why doesn't he live with you?

If they are his kids, I would expect him to have the children full time just as you did when you were off work and he was working.

Original poster
Jarli · 01/08/2020 11:32

@RNBrie Yes his kids.

He hasn't lived with us due to covid risk with his work (and I suspect he's still playing on that because he's liking the "lads" lifestyle).

OP posts:
RNBrie · 01/08/2020 11:39

Well he's being totally unreasonable and I think you know it. But you can't force him to do anything.

If he's happy to come home for a "holiday" then he can move back in and support you whilst you're working.

Runbitchrun · 01/08/2020 11:44

He’s taking the piss. If you can holiday together, then he can come and live at home and pull his weight. I wouldn’t book leave if I were you, your suggestion of him taking the kids sounds perfectly reasonable.

Original poster
Jarli · 01/08/2020 11:49

Thanks! I wasn't sure if i was being unreasonable as I have recently found his pinterest account and a board called "Fit Women".

I am not impressed.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 01/08/2020 11:55

He wont take his children or help out what a total arsehole . I doubt you would get any help if you took holidays anyway so it's up to you let him huff. Sounds like he has some sort of hero thing going on with his "important " job

RantyAnty · 01/08/2020 11:59

He won't take his own kids?
He thinks he has a choice?

Imagine if you said you weren't watching your kids and he had to figure it out.

I'd tell him to get his arse home or don't come back at all.

Dozer · 01/08/2020 12:00

Your OP is unclear, but obviously YANBU not to take holiday and to expect him to parent the DC. Sounds like a situation where you had DC and he continued to work as though he had no DC, and you did most of the parenting/domestics, and that has come home to roost. Either he’s become ungrateful / complacent or is sexist / lazy. Or both!

Dozer · 01/08/2020 12:01

Is there actually high covid risk from his work?

Original poster
Jarli · 01/08/2020 12:05

@Dozer - yes, there is/was a significant risk, but clearly not now if he wants to go away for two weeks on his leave. He hasn't been near a Covid patient for two weeks.

I have had the DC for the majority (apart from a few weeks over/post covid - and we have been shielding).

OP posts:
Shamoo · 01/08/2020 12:05

As an aside, legally an employer in the U.K. would have to give twice as much notice of holiday as the amount of holiday they are requiring their employee to take - so for them to force a two week holiday on your DH they should give one month’s notice.

Original poster
Jarli · 01/08/2020 12:08

@Shamoo some workplaces are not covered by employment law as the majority of us are. This really is not an uncommon occurrence for him.

OP posts:
howfarwevecome · 01/08/2020 12:17

TBH, sounds like you'd be better off single. What on earth does he bring to your lives with his selfish attitude towards supporting you and being there for his own kids after you've been doing ALL the heavy lifting at home whilst working these past few months.

LannieDuck · 01/08/2020 12:22

If he's not living with you due to Covid risk from his work, why does he think you can all go away on holiday together?

If he's happy enough to have day trips with you and the kids, there's no reason why he can't move back in and take over the chores while you're working.

Original poster
Jarli · 01/08/2020 12:32

His covid risk has died down from work - he's done his two weeks of isolation, and shielding stopped today so he could bloody well come home.

He's really pissed me off (and no he isn't normally like this at all, although he does spend a lot of time away from home with his work)

OP posts:
shinynewapple2020 · 01/08/2020 12:38

Not minimising all that you have been doing and your exhaustion; nor your partners lack of interest in his family. However for fairness, if your partner has been working away full time with Covid patients I would guess that he is also tired and could do with a break .

It would seem right in your situation that your partner takes a holiday with your children , particularly if this is to see his family and I can't see why he wouldn't do this.

Of course you can't take leave from your job now , and given uncertainty around your relationship you certainly need to remain in employment .

beela · 01/08/2020 12:43

@Jarli

Thanks! I wasn't sure if i was being unreasonable as I have recently found his pinterest account and a board called "Fit Women".

I am not impressed.

😂

Is he twelve?

Original poster
Jarli · 01/08/2020 12:44

@beela Pretty much what I said to him!!

I think I need to deal with this all when I am not so wound up.

OP posts:
BonosSigh · 01/08/2020 12:52

How have you just come off being furloughed but also have been working full time during lockdown? Do you have more than one job?

crazychemist · 01/08/2020 12:56

I’m a bit confused. The kids belong to both of you? But he’s living separately and won’t take them somewhere unless you also come, even though you are working and have been doing all the childcare? Jeez, he sounds like a real prize Hmm

If it’s safe enough for you to all do things together, then it’s safe enough for him to come home and start pulling his weight with HIS children!!! They’d probably love it going out doing holiday type things on most days, but obviously if you have to work you can’t go with. Why on Earth can’t he just take them?

fflelp · 01/08/2020 12:58

He's being an absolute dick.
He should be doing something with the kids.
You can't just randomly take holiday at short notice to suit him. With the current crisis I think that people need to be very careful about their attitude to work. Eg. you were on furlough, now you're back at work, you absolutely should not ask for holiday. He should be able to understand that. You need to secure your family's finances and that means keeping your job.
If he huffs and puffs tell him that straight.

If he now does not need to live apart from you because of his work, he should move back in and pull his weight around the house and caring for he children while you are working.
He sounds like he enjoys the bachelor lifestyle. Frankly I think he should just fuck off permanently. Absolutely useless waste of space.

Nacreous · 01/08/2020 13:00

Is he in the forces and got redeployed to support the Covid response? Hospitals definitely have to comply with employment law (which is my first thought for where you'd be dealing with Covid patients) but I guess if it was leave rather than annual leave then the forces wouldn't have to?

SmudgeButt · 01/08/2020 13:01

I suggest you tell him that

"yes, I will take a holiday and it's going to be going to visit my family (or friends) somewhere far away and without the kids. Here's their play date schedule and the shopping that needs to be done, in case you've forgotten I've left the instructions for the washing machine taped to the washing tabs box. Oh and don't forget the dog (didn't I tell you we have one now?) needs to be walked 4 times a day!"

"kiss kiss!!"

greenjojocat · 01/08/2020 13:02

@BonosSigh

How have you just come off being furloughed but also have been working full time during lockdown? Do you have more than one job?
Looking after children is a full time job
GetUpAgain · 01/08/2020 13:10

Yanbu

He sounds selfish and like he has forgotten how to be a decent partner and father. Does his job have a kind of 'we are manly heroes' culture by any chance?

There is part of me that finds it hilarious that his choice of app to ogle women is PINTEREST- not that I am condoning it. But what a saddo to be using such a craft/homely app to be a creep.

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