Husband Says One Thing But Does Another (Food-Related)

[albertatrilogy]

He always says he could easily be vegetarian and that we should eat far less meat. He also says he wants to eat less generally. (He is relatively thin, but wants to stay thin.)

At the moment I do most of the shopping - he's over 70 - but we take turns to cook.

If I put lunch on the table - pitta bread, hummus, olives, maybe some leftovers, fruit, cold meat salami - and often there's a lot to choose from but if I haven't put out any cheese, he will always want cheese as well.

I nearly always cook vegetarian food when it's my turn. At which point he either says, 'I fancy something meaty tomorrow'. Or 'I fancy something fishy tomorrow.'

Which is sort of okay - if inconsistent with the stated wish to be vegetarian. I feel that it's all talk with him and rarely translates into action. Fish in particular is something he always wants to eat in larger quantities.

But I can't help feeling a bit fed up when I've found he's just defrosted a packet of 4 cod fillets for tonight - for the two of us. In my head that was two meals worth of fish..

Though I go on about it less I really do want to be more vegetarian. So I reckon the answer is that for everytime he defrosts a double portion of fish, I'm going to make the next two meals I cook vegetarian/vegan.

I don't feel I can change him, only my response to what he does.

Can't get past the fact he takes out what he wants to eat then you cook it!

No, he cooks it.

Could you do a meal plan together at the start of the week?

@Wecandothis99

Can't get past the fact he takes out what he wants to eat then you cook it!

She didn't say that, she said they take turns to cook.

If you take turns in cooking, it should work out well if you only cook veggie and he only cooks meat/fish.

Your meal example sounds lovely, we eat like that a lot.

Would he enjoy some meat replacements? I’m a lifelong vegetarian so don’t like the texture of most of them but is he missing the bulk or texture?

Oh good. Sorry I didn't read properly! I was gonna say I would be telling him he would be wearing it if that was the case

If he wants cheese, tell him it’s in the fridge, while you start your dinner.

I’ve recently stopped eating meat and I do find that I don’t feel satisfied after a meal.
I wonder if it’s because meat takes longer to digest so you feel full longer ?

Sounds like a form of control to me. ExH did it but in different ways. I’d cook and call him to dinner. He would say it looked disgusting / had cheese / had meat and he didn’t want any. Then would come back 30 minutes later and eat it. Never cooked himself apart from steak twice a year.

I do find that my hubby says he is going to do a lot of things but never does.
He’s going to lose weight, get fit, give up drinking, but never does.
I used to find it frustrating but now I don’t pay him any attention when he starts.

Alternate days meat/fish/veggie sounds a good diet to me; I don't know why you are complaining. Also, split the fish into two portions, throw away the outer packets and place them in 2 different parts of the freezer and he probably won't realise or think to look for the other 2!!

I think splitting/hiding/disguising the fish is a great idea. He tends to do what is called 'boy looking'

Main complaint is that the fish I think will be good for two meals, is invariably used (by him) for one.

In other households I understand it is bacon ie man decides to make a bacon sarnie and uses the whole pack.

Why should he eat one cod fillet because you think two is too many?

Unless there’s a strict budget issue and you’re going short somewhere else because he’s eating more than you can afford, or he’s over-eating a meal plan and expecting you to be the one that shops again - what is the problem?

His stomach, his choice.

Most I’d do is tell my husband (who would listen) that when he was doing fish, to do 3 fillets - as I wouldn’t want 2.

I’d be very unimpressed if my husband thought he got to decide what I ate!

And no way would I, a grown adult, be “hiding” frozen fish. If that’s what I resorted to in a marriage, my marriage would be over.

Also - tit for tat cooking 2x vegetarian if he’s chosen to cook a large amount of cod? (and let’s face it, 2 pieces of cod is not exactly gluttony) Is that a marriage?

I think during Covid-19, when we're trying to limit shopping trips, using a lot of a particular ingredient, can be thoughtless.

There is always plenty of food. But it's annoying when someone just takes all of the milk/chocolate/bacon/finishes the wine in the bottle - without checking. And it's usually the more expensive items that are used in this way. It's never all of the carrots...

So what is your actual issue?

If he’s regularly taking the last of something when it will be wanted by the other person before a shopping trip is due, and doesn’t have the good manners to call out, “I’ve got the last of the wine - OK?” then he’s unreasonable.

If you’re trying to police him making a perfectly reasonable decision that he wants 2 cod fillets - you’re unreasonable. Made even more unreasonable by a tenuous attempt to get Covid-19 superiority to back you up!

You’re being controlling, you don’t get to decide how much fish he wants.

Is the problem that you can't afford for him to eat 2 meal's worth of fish in one? I don't really understand the issue - he cooks, makes suggestions for meals, but sometimes eats more than you expected. Unless you have a big issue on money I don't see that as a problem.

Probably having been brought up vegetarian affects my attitude to eating fish, meat and poultry. I think of it as taking a life and feel that ideally it should be done sparingly. That animal protein/fish might sometimes be part of a meal but not necessarily the biggest part.

Instinctively I feel rather as some might if they saw someone knocking back bottle after bottle of wine or eating not just one doughnut but two of them.

So it irks me rather that my husband 'talks the talk'. He talks it rather more than I do. But walking the walk seems to be an issue for him.

I appreciate lots of people don't feel that way at all. But at heart I do and it can be an occasional source of irritation.

It would be reasonable then to tell him to just stop being a bore about it.

But it comes across that you feel morally superior to him on the food choices.

Again, what is the actual issue here?

• that he talks but doesn’t deliver
• that he takes the last of things
• that he forces you out to shop during a pandemic
• that he eats your view of “too much”
• that he isn’t vegetarian, full stop

My opinion, is that when someone keeps flipping between reasons why they’re pissed off, it’s actually none of those reasons - and they’re just fed up with person, end of.

When I was younger, friends called it, “getting the ick” - when it doesn’t matter what your boyfriend does - it’s run its course, and you just don’t like them enough any more.

Me, morally superior? Physician, heal thyself...

If you want to eat less meat and fish than you do now you need to tell him that. If he wants to continue to cook a lot of it then maybe you need to cook for yourself more often. I know that's a pain and it's nice when partners take turns to cook but if it's not what you want to eat and it's what he wants to eat then you need another solution. Plenty of couples where one is a vegetarian and the other is not seem to manage.

But I do know it's a pain when someone constantly complains about the food you make. That was an issue with my ex. I used to say you know where the fridge is. If your DH wants cheese and there isn't any on the table then he can go and get it.
BTW I am much healthier and enjoy cooking and eating much more now that I am single! And I've also recently gone vegetarian.

If you know he likes cheese with that kind of lunch, why don't you put it out?
I think I'm missing the issue here...

@albertatrilogy

I think during Covid-19, when we're trying to limit shopping trips, using a lot of a particular ingredient, can be thoughtless.

There is always plenty of food. But it's annoying when someone just takes all of the milk/chocolate/bacon/finishes the wine in the bottle - without checking. And it's usually the more expensive items that are used in this way. It's never all of the carrots...

If he adds it to the shopping list, I'm not sure why he needs to check. He's not a child. Presumably it's his fridge too?