Husband Says One Thing But Does Another (Food-Related)

[albertatrilogy]

He always says he could easily be vegetarian and that we should eat far less meat. He also says he wants to eat less generally. (He is relatively thin, but wants to stay thin.)

At the moment I do most of the shopping - he's over 70 - but we take turns to cook.

If I put lunch on the table - pitta bread, hummus, olives, maybe some leftovers, fruit, cold meat salami - and often there's a lot to choose from but if I haven't put out any cheese, he will always want cheese as well.

I nearly always cook vegetarian food when it's my turn. At which point he either says, 'I fancy something meaty tomorrow'. Or 'I fancy something fishy tomorrow.'

Which is sort of okay - if inconsistent with the stated wish to be vegetarian. I feel that it's all talk with him and rarely translates into action. Fish in particular is something he always wants to eat in larger quantities.

But I can't help feeling a bit fed up when I've found he's just defrosted a packet of 4 cod fillets for tonight - for the two of us. In my head that was two meals worth of fish..

Though I go on about it less I really do want to be more vegetarian. So I reckon the answer is that for everytime he defrosts a double portion of fish, I'm going to make the next two meals I cook vegetarian/vegan.

I don't feel I can change him, only my response to what he does.

@albertatrilogy

Me, morally superior? Physician, heal thyself...

Why are you being rude to me?

It may be a difference about protein. That there might be stuff like hummus and taramasalata and salami out. So I'll think, 'Yes that's lot's of food.' But he'll see what isn't there....

I do get that the obvious answer is to say, 'Oh yes, get some cheese if you're still hungry...'

If I were over 70, I'd want access to my own shopping and two cod fillets too, if I fancied them.
May I ask if this is a new-ish marriage?

That physician line was weird OP. Ellisandra is making some very good points here. On the face of it, he doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong. Just differently to you, which is fine.

Probably having been brought up vegetarian affects my attitude to eating fish, meat and poultry. I think of it as taking a life and feel that ideally it should be done sparingly.

Blimey, well if that's how you feel, he's probably just making 'the right noises' about vegetarianism to appease you.

That'd make sense of it I think.

Your responses are increasingly showing that you're the controlling one, OP. Ellisandra is trying to get to the crux of the issue, and you see very defensive.

I’m also struggling to understand your position in terms of how he’s doing anything wrong aside from in your subjective opinion.

If it’s perceived hypocrisy you’re annoyed with him about them maybe just stop listening or tell him it jars you when he talks about vegetarianism whilst yearning for (& then guzzling) meat/fish/dairy. Dealing with the empty words is more appropriate rather than taking those as red and getting frustrated when he still reaches for meat.

He may talk about wanting to be more of a vegetarian, but he in fact isn’t one, so in this situation the fact he eats meat/fish etc is moot.

If it really bothers you then ignore him when he’s pontificating about it or tell him you no longer wish to discuss it as actions speak louder than words. Maybe stop monitoring him so closely around food.

I kind of agree with @Ellisandra that it indicates a deeper attitude towards him - has this happened in different contexts? All mouth, no action/strong opinions on various things and yet perpetuating himself constantly? That would be wearing.

This thread is reminding me why I need to get brave & organise my divorce. I so do not want to be grousing about extra fish fingers in 10 or whatever yrs.

As an Italian am afraid I don’t understand the concept of cooking just one serving per person. Two small pieces of fish doesn’t seem outrageous for dinner, depending how it was served (ie what sides)

I would say “I’d like to eat vegetarian for the next few days “ and see if he is onboard ? Otherwise maybe you could cook vego things & he can cook up his meat & add it to his meal ?

It sounds like perhaps he is saying these things because he is concerned about health? So he is saying he should eat more vegetarian/vegetable based meals & eat less to not become overweight in old age.

I don't think you always have to eat the same meal as your husband OP

I am mainly veggie, but eat some fish. DH is a meat eater , likes fish and will eat veggie if he doesn't feel that lack of meat spoils the meal , eg mushroom risotto.

Often I buy cooked chicken pieces or chopped chorizo and just add them to DH's portion, or do something like sausages and cook some meat , some veggie in a different pan .

It's not an issue.

I can understand it being annoying if you want to eat vegetarian all of the time but your DH is refusing to cook a veggie meal. Perhaps cook yourself some extra to freeze when you are cooking , so your DH can cook what he fancies and you have something veggie to eat yourself

Hmm this does sound a bit annoying. He is enjoying the moral superiority without any sacrifices. Saying it is the easy part. But some people think once they've said it, job done, no need to actually do it.

I know I always want to lose weight, but then I eat a lot. I know how annoying this would be to hear/see so I keep it to myself. I'm sure my DH would be annoyed to be lectured about dieting then see me scoffing biscuits before the day is out.