Aibu to put my future before my dc

[LaraLondon1]

Im in a long term rocky relationship for 14 years .
, ups and downs ( prob mainly my need for more reassurance / acknowledgment of my efforts in our family life) which has never been resolved. No
physical contact since my dc was born & difficult to broach now why this is the case .
We have many arguments that result in me
going off to cry. My dp has become more detached and blasé over the years when I get upset, To the point I get more upset abs he gets more annoyed.
We have a cheerful child 6 years old and I am the main carer for almost all things in the home and out with .
dc adores him and sees none of the problems . it’s v sweet.
My problem is that we are considering buying a house and out of the blue it has hit me , am I crazy to get more involved with this man just so my child can enjoy living in a house and enjoy a ‘family home’. I I initially was keen now I am thinking about the state of our relationship & what I’m missing out on & I am not getting any younger
Aibu - I should think of my dc & buy the house
Aibnu- I shouldn’t go ahead with the house and keep my £ /affairs’ separate .

As you say, you would be crazy to smash yourself further in this relationship. You're already looking for a way out. Your dc can still adore their father if you separate.

Bloody, bloody predictive text.

Emesh, not smash.

You are right to worry
Put a big pause button and do so
Rethinking

Change can happen , but will it here ?

Ten years from now do you want your child to say: "My mother was depressed and miserable all my life and my father was callous and uncaring of her feelings. BUT, I grew up in a house with a garden!!!
Life was great!"?

Oh OP. My heart goes out to you. You sound so caring for your son to even consider doing this for him.
But the sad truth is if DP doesnt want to treat you better after 14 years and a child together, he never will.
Just think, how will your life be a year from now if you stay with him. Think of your son growing up - are you okay with him thinking this is an okay relationship model?
And then think how your life could be a year from now if you leave. Think of the example you could set for your son by being happy and free of this relationship.
Wish you the very best, its a hard cycle to break but you will never regret it.

You need to use that money to find your own home and move out with your DC

Why would you financially lock yourself into a relationship that you know is unhappy and unfulfilling, and has been for some years?

Plan to leave, use your financial independence to your own advantage in order to gain your freedom from this desperately miserable life.

OP it is good you are taking a critical look at your relationship. You don't have sex, your DH does not even care about you and makes you cry, yet one or both of you came up with the idea of buying a house together. You are setting the bar so low. If DH refuses to go for relationship counseling I would call it quits and move on to find a partner who would love and cherish me, not one who was emotionally detached and made me cry. 0

I left my ex because he was a rubbish father and extremely impatient. Still is - he hasn't had them over once in the 18 or so months that I left. I could have stayed with him for an easier life financial wise but I wasn't putting my kids through the same thing I went through with my dad when growing up. My mother wasn't strong enough to leave my dad but I was strong enough to leave. Don't stay, it sounds like you'll be unhappy for good.

Yanbu to not buy a house together but why is this the other option - I shouldn’t go ahead with the house and keep my £ /affairs’ separate. Surely the alternative is you split up. You have been together 14 years and unhappy for years it sounds like. I think should go ahead with seperating. I know I have a tendency to not do x so I can do y, but then never actually do y either.

Surely the alternative is you split up

THIS.

Your child may adore her Dad but as she grows older, she will see the problems in the relationship. She will see the dysfunction.

That will be her yardstick for her own future relationships.

Don't teach your child to stay in unhealthy relationships and leave now.

Not entwining yourself further is putting your child first. They are not opposites. Though actually what would be best for both of you is not to be in the relationship at all.

Don't do it.

Realistically can you foresee another 12yrs of living a life unlived to then think 'well our child is now 18 and we can seperate'? A happy child is a child that lives a life with caregivers who are also happy. It's not a child who lives with an undercurrent vibe of unhappiness surrounding them growing up. We all want (or should) the best possible life for our children. But that doesn't equate to being miserable to try and project a false home life for them. Two happy but independantly living parents are far healthier for a child's wellbeing vs two very unhappy parents who stay together for the 'sake of a child'.

Your child is happy just now because you are putting everyone’s happiness before your own. Speaking from experience I was unsure about my relationship with DH. Called it a day and 5 years down the line we are all so much happier. Happy parents are so much more important than bricks and mortar.

I feel sorry for your DC if you don't try to work thinks out, and your first thought is to leave.

@GeorgiaGirl52

Ten years from now do you want your child to say: "My mother was depressed and miserable all my life and my father was callous and uncaring of her feelings. BUT, I grew up in a house with a garden!!! Life was great!"?

Exactly this 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻

A happy mummy is much more important than any material possessions

You need to leave him and find a new place for you and your son

Leaving him will be a good decision for you and your dc.

You wouldn't be putting yourself ahead of your dc to leave an unhappy relationship

My dd was gutted when me and her father split up and she blamed me (he was having an affair but she didn’t know that). As time has moved on, he’s gone from making me miserable with his emotional distance derogatory comments to making his new wife miserable and my dd can see that.
My point is, he is unlikely to change, but your daughter will and will see through him.
Your current set up is no way to live. Leave him and find some happiness for yourself, and create an actual happy home for yourself and your child.

I know it doesn't quite compare. Early twenties I got a mortgage with my boyfriend. Just a few months later I realised he was always talking to other women. Messages were inappropriate. He was sneaking off to see them. No respect for me at all.

Eventually a stranger messages me to say he had a BBQ and people at the BBQ were talking about how he cheats on me. I literally ended it that night.

Yes it was a little bit messy. But for my long term future I'm so relieved I got out. We didn't have children yet. But we were trying.

I actually had one more rubbish relationship and now I'm 8 years into a happy one. I'm now a mum too. I've always said life is too short to stay with people who don't make you happy.

Leave him. Your children will understand when they are older and will be happy eventually once they have adjusted.

It depends upon whether you plan to stay with him.
If you do buy the house make sure that your name goes on the deeds, so that you get half if you split up.
If you don’t plan to stay with him then no, keep your finances separate and plan your escape.

“Not entwining yourself further is putting your child first. They are not opposites.”

This

Life too short for his bullshit. He's had 6 years at least of making you miserable. It doesn't have to be like this.