Aibu to put my future before my dc

[LaraLondon1]

Im in a long term rocky relationship for 14 years .
, ups and downs ( prob mainly my need for more reassurance / acknowledgment of my efforts in our family life) which has never been resolved. No
physical contact since my dc was born & difficult to broach now why this is the case .
We have many arguments that result in me
going off to cry. My dp has become more detached and blasé over the years when I get upset, To the point I get more upset abs he gets more annoyed.
We have a cheerful child 6 years old and I am the main carer for almost all things in the home and out with .
dc adores him and sees none of the problems . it’s v sweet.
My problem is that we are considering buying a house and out of the blue it has hit me , am I crazy to get more involved with this man just so my child can enjoy living in a house and enjoy a ‘family home’. I I initially was keen now I am thinking about the state of our relationship & what I’m missing out on & I am not getting any younger
Aibu - I should think of my dc & buy the house
Aibnu- I shouldn’t go ahead with the house and keep my £ /affairs’ separate .

Your child will not enjoy this family home you're imagining!! It would be a deeply unhappy home, and as PPs have said, will teach your child unhealthy things about relationships.
My mum bravely left my (terrible) dad when I was a toddler. But my sister was an older child, about 7 and has often said that those first 7 years of living with unhappy parents (my dad cheating etc) affected her adult relationships. Children see everything that goes on and understand a whole lot more than you think. On the flipside I've always been happy and confident in relationships and I hardly remember what it was like to live with my dad.
Get out of there for the sake of your child! Be brave you can do it.

"dc adores him and sees none of the problems . it’s v sweet."
You may be right about the adores part but you are almost definitely wrong about the second part.

I think you both sound miserable to be fair. Definitely do not buy a house yet. Sit down and talk to him. You say its been too long to broach the subject of why neither of you have been intimate, perhaps he feels the same. Perhaps he gets angry because he cant have a disagreement without you getting upset? It's hard when you want to talk and the reply you get is defensive and avoidance.

Put your dc first by finding out what the issue is. You may not be able to salvage your relationship but a future co parenting relationship.

'dc adores him and sees none of the problems . it’s v sweet'

They'll still adore him whatever you do. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but don't dig yourself in deeper. You shouldn't be crying all the time and not to be intimate after 6years is not normal or ok.

Your DC is happy now because they are 6, they don't know any different. Years more of seeing their mum miserable will have a far more negative effect than which kind of house they live in.

So yes, put your DC and you first, but this isn't about house buying, you need to get out of this miserable relationship

@Shoxfordian

You wouldn't be putting yourself ahead of your dc to leave an unhappy relationship

^This with bells on 👍

Don’t do it OP.

When I met my exH, he had very little respect for his mum: thought she was grumpy, a killjoy, overly critical. Turns out she was just miserable and resentful through staying with his dad "for the children". While he didn't take
notice of any of the crap things his dad did - just enjoyed their time together.
They split up when he was 21 and exH started to realise what an a**hole his dad really was and that his mum had actually been "a saint" to put up with him all those years.
The damage was done to how exH thought relationships should be though. Ironically, his experience helped me in my decision to end our marriage. I could see me ending up as the snappy one who never revealed why she was so miserable to save the DC knowing what their dad was like, while he was charming and fun for the few hours a week he spent with them.

Better a smaller house or flat which is all yours and which you can make a happy space than a bigger house where you will be down-trodden and miserable. Choose freedom.

Run. Your child won’t thank you for staying in a miserable relationship, trust me I’m an adult and it’s messed me up with irreversible mental health problems from growing up in a unhappy home. Run for the fucking hills OP.

You need to put your well-being high up any list. If you’re having a terrible time, are upset and feeling very unhappy then that will impact on your child. Don’t stay with this man (who sounds like a bully) just because you have a child, and your child likes him. Your child will,adjust if you end up being a single parent.

I think the important message from my long-winded anecdote is that you being miserable will affect your relationship with your DC (as well as their self-esteem and ability to form healthy relationships). They will not necessarily like the person you become from years of being unhappy. You may think you'll be able to 'fake it' for the 15 years or so, but you won't.

Hi just throwing in another point of view here. Having a static home and garden etc is more of a cultural thing - in English-speaking cultures

I'm mixed and without outting myself too much, my "other" culture is content to move houses lots, share bedrooms and not have a garden but also be out and about more (so out in the evenings visiting people and kids don't go to bed early)

Moving house loads doesn't really work in the UK but I think having a big house, separate bedrooms is a function of our more private culture than something that's needed if you get what I mean.

As long as they have a space to do homework, peace at home and other kids and family to see often, it won't be unhappy. You being happy will mean more too.

Other mumsnetters: feel free to guess my culture and chip in lol.

OP, why do you think your partner is keen to merge his finances further with someone he doesn't have sex with? Is there a motive - such as you providing a larger deposit? It seems strange that neither of you have been looking for a way out.

If you think your six year old doesn't know what is going on, and adores him, then I'm sorry to tell you, but you are delusional. Children know from a very young age. And being "sweet" is an excellent mechanism for self protection. If you are adoring and sweet, then people don't argue with you and leave you to cry. Or worse.

You need to get yourself and your child out of this situation. If he's such a good father then he'll contribute to be a good father. If he isn't, he won't. But neither you nor your child will thrive in this environment. A house is just bricks. A home is something else entirely.

@Moondust001 I couldn't agree more

Thanks everyone for your replies .its been v helpful to get other perspectives on this xx