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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

20 year friendship, not spoken in nearly 2 years

42 replies

shas19 · 31/07/2020 23:30

She was my best friend since we were 2. Been through absolutely everything together. The first person I called when I went I to labour with my son, first person to meet my daughter other than dp and dm. Sat at her hospital bed when she was seriously ill, helped her through some very bad times. Some of my best memories include her. All in all a very balanced healthy friendship. We could have different opinions and not fall out as it should be. Me and my partner went through a rough patch when dd was 5months, I had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. Called her after id taken two packs of pills and she got me an ambulance just in time and stayed with me till early hours in hospital. She was under the impression it was all dp's fault, some of his behaviour was shitty around the time, no violence or cheating. but I was suffering with severe pnd and PTSD from a traumatic birth. All rolled into one my head was a mess. Fast forward about 2 weeks after I'd tried to end my life me and dp had sorted things out pretty much but taking things slowly, I was back on my meds, therapy etc. She was angry that we had sorted things obviously, only thing I can think of and basically havent heard from her since. I made her and her mum god parents to my children. Not one message about the kids, not happy birthday or merry Christmas. Absolutely nothing. She sent me a friend request on social media a few weeks back but hasnt initiated contact and I'm quite confused as to why? I miss her alot but feel very hurt, iabu to just ignore it or reach out? I have unanswered questions as I'm sure she does also but not sure where to start

OP posts:

Casmama · 31/07/2020 23:36

I would reach out. You know well what was going on in your life at the time but you don't know what was going on in hers. There may be things you don't know about.
She might be hesitant to get in touch because she feels bad about not being there for you.
If you miss her give her a chance.

FinlandFlag · 31/07/2020 23:39

Maybe she felt like she was terrified she would lose you then you get back with him and she couldn't watch that again.

If she thought it was all his fault?

Original poster

shas19 · 31/07/2020 23:40

Honestly dont think there was anything I'd missed. She would of told me. After it had happened I could tell she was annoyed of gotten back with him. Was really strange, one day I was walking to the ship and saw her. Had a normal chat, then literally nothing. Dead silence. I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm so annoyed at her for dropping my children the way she did more than how I feel

OP posts:

Original poster

shas19 · 31/07/2020 23:40

@finlandflag possible, never though of that

OP posts:

Original poster

shas19 · 31/07/2020 23:41

It's so shit. I drive past he house nearly everyday and always wonder what she doing or how she is

OP posts:

Hairthrowaway · 31/07/2020 23:43

Sorry it’s unclear from your post - have you tried to contact her or are you expecting her to message you first?

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 31/07/2020 23:44

You havenr heard from her in two years. Has she heard from you? She may be reaching out thinking you havent tried to make contact in two years.

Original poster

shas19 · 31/07/2020 23:46

No definitely not adding on social media to try to reach out. She actually deleted me a while ago and has now tried to re add me

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combatbarbie · 31/07/2020 23:51

Are you sure that what she knew when you took the OD was correct and you are minimising it? I get the PTSD via birth etc but if she was as close as you say, that's a disconnection for a very valid reason......

We see on here all the time the best friend supporting a wife in need but they continue to go back..... It gets frustrating. I'm wondering if this is similar.

I'm fairly sure, whatever her reason, it wasn't a decision made lightly and likely broke her heart. She has passed the olive branch on social media.... Now its your turn to initiate but please do not go in guns blazing.

Shamoo · 31/07/2020 23:51

Surely adding you on social media is absolutely reaching out. What else could it be?

Original poster

shas19 · 31/07/2020 23:54

@combatbarbie definitely not a wife in need. We have never been through anything like that before, no reason for her to dislike him at all, got on perfectly fine. I just dont get it, I wouldn't even know what to say to her

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Original poster

shas19 · 31/07/2020 23:57

@combatbarbie no I'm not minimising, it was a dire 4 weeks of my life, wasnt sure where our relationship was at, wasnt coping well, thought my daughter hated me (pnd) I honestly just didnt know whether I was coming or going. At the time he didnt support me, sort of stuck his head in the sand

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Casmama · 01/08/2020 00:00

I'm not sure I believe your last message - you explain clearly in the OP that your partners behaviour was pretty shitty and she blamed him for you trying to commit suicide but then say that she had no reason to dislike him - doesn't make sense.
Also, deleting you on social media but then trying to reconnect now is clearly reaching out to you and I can't see how you would see it any other way.
If it would help, write her a letter explaining how you feel. It may be best not to actually send it but it can help to clarify your thoughts prior to any possible conversation.

Casmama · 01/08/2020 00:01

sorry message before last - slow typing

Original poster

shas19 · 01/08/2020 00:04

Up until that happened she had no reason to dislike him. I had told her numerous times it wasnt his fault, I was unwell but she had made her mind up

OP posts:

EstuaryBird · 01/08/2020 00:13

While you were getting back with your DP did you contact your friend who had been there for you? Maybe she wasn’t angry as you surmise, maybe she felt that you didn’t want to see or speak to her.

This happened to me. I was there for a friend in different but similar circumstances. During her breakdown she told me awful things about her DP and she also got back with him and didn’t contact me afterwards. We met up again at a reunion a few years after and rekindled the friendship....we’ve talked about what happened and she swears she never said anything bad about her now exDP but I know she did. She dropped contact with me for complicated reasons.....mostly that she felt a whole mix of emotions about me around linking me with the bad time. I’m not explaining it well but it made sense to her at the time.
Perhaps it’s time to reconnect with your friend. She was there when you needed her and she is obviously still thinking about you.

Original poster

shas19 · 01/08/2020 00:18

@estuarybird yes we spoke. I never ditched her, it's almost like she woke up one day and thought 'fuck you' and that was that. It hurts me that she could do that to my children. I've seen her in passing maybe once and it was almost like she pretended not to see me

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backseatcookers · 01/08/2020 00:23

[quote shas19]@estuarybird yes we spoke. I never ditched her, it's almost like she woke up one day and thought 'fuck you' and that was that. It hurts me that she could do that to my children. I've seen her in passing maybe once and it was almost like she pretended not to see me[/quote]
From what you said she sounds like she was a thoughtful and rock solid friend to you. You saying she's capable of waking up and thinking "fuck you" shows a lack of judgement on your part and is dismissive of the more likely situation - she couldn't bear to watch you be back with a man who she believed (rightly or wrongly) had driven you to such a low point in your life.

I don't think you understand how much of an emotional toll it can take on a friend who is there for someone through such a very low time and then feels confused and devastated they've chosen to go back to that person. I've been there and I felt almost hypocritical to then sit opposite the man in question and exchange chit chat over dinner. I just couldn't do it. I told her I'd always be there for her but that I couldn't support the relationship, so was taking a step back. I made it clear why and that I would be there if things changed, always.

Her emotional well-being is as important as yours. You do feel resistant to seeing it from her side. I'm so sorry you went through such a terrible time

She has reached out by adding you. The ball is in your court IMO.

Original poster

shas19 · 01/08/2020 00:27

Im not being dismissive but that's how I feel. Like I mentioned, he didnt drive me to it, I was very unwell. Worst time of my life. She was a really good friend before and throughout that time. But to just drop me and the kids like that does feel like a big kick in the teeth. If she had felt it was his fault and explained that she didnt want to be around him I would understand and keep the relationship/friendship separate. She was there a long time before him ad it's just so sad. I dont even know what to say, everytime I try to type something I just go blank

OP posts:

Casmama · 01/08/2020 00:35

You need to make a choice to be open to her explanation and explaining your point of view - over time, you don't need to have all the words now - or letting this go and making the decision that you will never be in contact with her again.
You are projecting her reasons and judging her harshly without hearing her side of it. You are entitled to do that but I suspect you would be far better off taking a risk and letting her in to explain.
I speak from experience to a degree and felt so much relief when I reconnected with a friend. We are not friends in the same way we were before but I truly value her friendship and am glad that I didn't refuse her attempts to reach out to me as my life is richer for having her in it despite the fact she hurt me at one point in the past. We all make mistakes - cut her some slack.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2020 00:38

Did you try to contact her op?
So you saw her one day walking to the shop, then what? She didn't message you but did you message her and her not reply or did she not message you and that was it?

Original poster

shas19 · 01/08/2020 00:39

@casmama yes I suppose I do. Think I'll have some Dutch courage tomorrow evening and send a message. God what do I even say

OP posts:

brastrapbroken · 01/08/2020 00:40

Not one message about the kids, not happy birthday or merry Christmas. Absolutely nothing.

Have you messaged her? It's unclear.

She sent me a friend request on social media a few weeks back but hasnt initiated contact and I'm quite confused as to why?

Did you accept the request?

I miss her alot but feel very hurt, iabu to just ignore it or reach out? I have unanswered questions as I'm sure she does also but not sure where to start

You are bothered so yes, try and speak.

backseatcookers · 01/08/2020 00:42

@shas19

I understand but your previous posts do mention that his behaviour was a contributing factor to you being poorly. I do feel you seem to be minimising your role and his role in the breakdown of the friendship to the point you may have rewritten history a little and are holding on to a lot of anger. I think that anger may mean it would be unhealthy to try and reconnect as she obviously had good reason to feel unable to cope with contact, because as you said yourself she was a fantastic friend for two decades. Please do be a bit more open to there being another explanation than she 'just' dropped you or thought 'fuck you' as she really doesn't sound like someone who would do that from what you've written. I don't mean to sound accusatory, that's just an outsiders perspective obviously.

Mingo2010 · 01/08/2020 00:42

You could message a simple " I miss you " and see where the conversation goes xx

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