Page 2 | 20 year friendship, not spoken in nearly 2 years

Casmama · 01/08/2020 00:46

You could even start with something really simple like "Hello stranger!"
Its slightly lighthearted - perhaps even throw in and emoji - but it acknowledges that she has reached out to you and that you haven't spoken for a long time. I would then leave it to see what she says.
If she doesn't initially come back with something but you know she has read your message then something along the lines of "I was a bit surprised to receive your friend request after all this time. How are you ?"
There will be plenty of time for you to explain how hurt you were but if you lead with that then you may well scare her off and not get the explanation you need. Go easy on the dutch courage and I hope it goes well.

RoseTintedAtuin · 01/08/2020 01:37

Just from another perspective and not exactly the same scenario but I had a friend who I went non-contact with because she was in an abusive relationship and went back to the man while she was pregnant. The reason I stopped contact was because as soon as she became pregnant and had the child my loyalty would shift to the child and if she ever told me of a domestic situation I knew I would be the one calling SS. I was quite young at the time and the thought of doing that to a dear friend pained me and I felt it was better just to cut contact. I regret that now as maybe the child needed someone to look out for them but she may have cut contact for similar reasons.

Original poster

shas19 · 01/08/2020 19:08

@rosetintedautumn I'm not in an abusive relationship..

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 01/08/2020 19:16

I imagine that she cut contact to protect herself, my god is must be very frightening having a suicidal friend (thinking of Caroline Flacks friend who went to get some shopping and came back to Carolines suicide). She was a great support then had to let you go to look after her own mental state, I'm sure. I really feel for her tbh.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 01/08/2020 19:24

Put yourself in her place.

Her friend was suicidal, she was the one to call the ambulance and save your life and support you.

She got the impression that it was your dps fault, she wouldn't have come to that conclusion by herself, then the next minute you're back with him.

I would be protecting myself too. I wouldn't be able to watch my friend go through that.

Mehmen · 01/08/2020 19:50

You’re not seeing it from her point of view. If you want to know why she dropped you then you’re going to have to ask her.
Whilst you may not be in an abusive relationship it doesn’t alter the fact that, when you tried to take your own life, you’re relationship was ‘shitty’.

She may have perceived that you’re relationship was abusive and couldn’t handle it.

KooKooKachoo · 01/08/2020 21:12

I feel really sorry for her too tbh. I can understand why she has distanced herself for her own mental wellbeing.

woollyheart · 02/08/2020 08:47

It sounds as if she may have been traumatised by events back then, and felt she couldn't cope with any more.

FindingNeverland1 · 02/08/2020 09:10

Sounds like she IS reaching out to you with this SM friend request. It's now down to you to respond.

Tbh I think I would have needed to remove myself from a friendship situation such as this, too. I don't think she has been U at all.

LouiseTrees · 02/08/2020 09:24

@shas19

She was my best friend since we were 2. Been through absolutely everything together. The first person I called when I went I to labour with my son, first person to meet my daughter other than dp and dm. Sat at her hospital bed when she was seriously ill, helped her through some very bad times. Some of my best memories include her. All in all a very balanced healthy friendship. We could have different opinions and not fall out as it should be. Me and my partner went through a rough patch when dd was 5months, I had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. Called her after id taken two packs of pills and she got me an ambulance just in time and stayed with me till early hours in hospital. She was under the impression it was all dp's fault, some of his behaviour was shitty around the time, no violence or cheating. but I was suffering with severe pnd and PTSD from a traumatic birth. All rolled into one my head was a mess. Fast forward about 2 weeks after I'd tried to end my life me and dp had sorted things out pretty much but taking things slowly, I was back on my meds, therapy etc. She was angry that we had sorted things obviously, only thing I can think of and basically havent heard from her since. I made her and her mum god parents to my children. Not one message about the kids, not happy birthday or merry Christmas. Absolutely nothing. She sent me a friend request on social media a few weeks back but hasnt initiated contact and I'm quite confused as to why? I miss her alot but feel very hurt, iabu to just ignore it or reach out? I have unanswered questions as I'm sure she does also but not sure where to start

She sent you a friend request. That’s her starting the olive branch. I had an old friend, who I hadn’t talked to in 8 years, do this and again she wasn’t the first one to message. I sent a simple “ Hi, how are you?” and she said “well now” and went onto to tell me I was so right about the relationship she had been in that had just ended (entirely unprompted).

user1471462428 · 02/08/2020 09:24

I think you maybe need to acknowledge how traumatic it was for her. It’s sounds like she gave an awful lot of herself to you and was an extremely good friend. Your children don’t know or care about who your friends are unless you make a big deal of it. I personally think you need to thank her rather than be angry

tobedtoMNandfart · 02/08/2020 09:28

It's highly unlikely that she thought 'fuck you' and MUCH more likely that she felt forced to step away for her own self preservation (speaking from personal experience).
If you message her you need to really listen to how SHE describes that same situation.

MarthasGinYard · 02/08/2020 09:30

'Called her after id taken two packs of pills and she got me an ambulance just in time and stayed with me till early hours in hospital.'

So she basically

Saved your life

Dozer · 02/08/2020 09:31

It sounds likely that like her issue was with your decision to stay with your DP, due to the information she had about his behaviour (from what you told her and her own observations).

Since you’re still in the relationship seems likely that, to be friendly again, you’d each need to respect the other’s opinions/decisions about him, and completely avoid discussing him!

YABU to be aggrieved on behalf of your DC: her friendship was with you.

LouiseTrees · 02/08/2020 09:34

[quote shas19]@casmama yes I suppose I do. Think I'll have some Dutch courage tomorrow evening and send a message. God what do I even say[/quote]
The whole deleting and readding thing is her reaching out. It rehighlights she’s adding you. She’s too scared to say something. The girl in my previous post, we would pass each other occasionally as she lived near my gran but kind of be too scared to acknowledge because we had ended a friendship on a bad note. Just say “ I miss you and hope all is well with you. I’m now mentally well and wouldn’t have wanted to reach out without being able to say that because I know I kind of put you through the ringer with my PND.” Then leave it. Don’t show anger, let her volunteer how she felt first then maybe slowly feed in once you meet up that you did feel a bit abandoned.

ConstanceSalinger · 02/08/2020 09:34

It would be really inappropriate for her to contact your children with cards and presents if she is not prepared to have any kind of relationship with you. Same for her mother.

What have you done in those 2 years to contact her?

Deedoubleyou · 03/08/2020 11:19

If she had no reason to dislike your DH why was she the one who was there for you on your suicide attempt and not him? If my closest friend was in such a bad place that they attempted suicide and their husband "buried their head in the sand" as you said, I would find that very hard to forgive.