AIBU to leave DH and move South

[DomesticGoddessMe]

DH & I have been together for nearly 10 years. When we first got together, DH was working in a job which required us to move every couple of years. I'm in a location-independent job, so I can work from anywhere.

After DC was born, we decided that DH could not carry on with his job and we needed some stability. He wanted to change jobs quite quickly, and gave me the choice of 2 locations:

1. Location A - Remote area of Scotland, closest friends/family 6 hour drive away.
2. Location B - Midlands, halfway point between 2 sides of the family, good 2 hour drive to see our friends or family.

It did not feel like a choice, I went for Location B as it was the lesser of 2 evils. We share finances but he put 2/3 of the deposit and put 1/3, and we bought a house at Location B. DH loves his job locally and is very happy here.

I am terribly unhappy, and looking back I feel like this location was forced on me. Lockdown was hell. I had no support whatsoever. He was working. I was working and taking care of kids. I've really reached the end.

I want to sell and move south so that at least we are closer to one side of the family where I can get some support. I am so miserable here that if it came to it, I would leave him, take DC and move further South alone.

AIBU to leave a good relationship because I hate where we live?

You really need to talk this through with him and see if he can get a job further south to enable you to be nearer your family.

No YANBU to move if you are terribly unhappy. But it would be sensible to have a very blunt conversation first incase he would be willing to try somewhere else.

If you do move and he doesn't, would he want the kids to stay where they are? Would that be feasible? How would you manage access for both parents.

@FindingNeverland1 I would never stop DH from seeing DC as he is a good dad. But if I move, I would take DC with me.

I’m not sure how our relationship would survive if we lived apart.

I’ve tried to speak with him. He says he can’t get a job anywhere else on the same salary. He has not really looked to be honest.

The issue is that by being halfway between 2 families, we end up with support from none.

If he says no, the family court are unlikely to allow the move, OP.

I would talk to him. Try to convince him.

Does he know how unhappy you are?

I don’t think you can just decide the kids are going with you, you need to talk and come up with a plan together.

I wish I were only 2hrs from family. My closest relative is 9hrs drive and that’s if you don’t count the time on the Chunnel train or ferry.

Practically write down all the things you need support with, ask if he's stepping up or shall you move closer to family because parenting isn't a one person job when you're married.
Leave out the separation part, for now.

@PicsInRed I do most of the childcare... He won’t cope on his own with DC. Can court really stop me?

@Zoecarter I know, we’ll talk it through. But it’s very much what I want. Kids will be happier too.

@forrestgreen thank you, this is really helpful. I won’t talk about separation yet.

I'm considering this. In my case my husband has point blank refused to move - there is no give whatsoever. It is horrible being desperately unhappy where you love and having no family support.

I'm playing the long game as I can't afford to move right now but I have a two year plan that will enable me to do so - with or without him.

It doesn't sound like your husband knows the seriousness of your convictions on this matter? Lay it all out there, straight to the point. If he is insisting he is absolutely not moving then YWNBU to go without him.

If it's too far for you to be from your family, it's really too far for the children to be from their dad.

@PicsInRedI do most of the childcare... He won’t cope on his own with DC. Can court really stop me?

I don't disagree with you, but yes. They might say yes, but they would be more likely to say no.

This is why I say you should try to convince him to go with you.

You sound like you’re going regardless of his feelings, so he’ll lose you and the children? I think you need to have the conversation as soon as possible especially as presumably he doesn’t know this is your plan.

How often do you see family right now? To give some perspective, my in laws live in the same area, 5 minute drive... But we see them once every month for an hour maybe.
My Mum lives 20 mins away and we see her about once every 3 weeks for a couple of hours. I've said to my OH that we'd actually see family more if we lived further away as you'd have to plan a weekend trip so they'd have to stay over... I think we all take it for granted that we live near by and don't actually make the most of it! Both grandparents still work, so that only leaves evenings and weekends which are packed with school events, plus the grandparents have busy social lives still.
Would you actually get any extra help?
My partner has worked through lockdown and I've had 4 kids at home, no help from family or friends either so it's not a guarantee that if you had family closer, it would have made it easier.
How much closer to family could you move, that would mean your oh could still travel to work? An hour closer? Would that mean seeing more of family or would that only happen if in the same town?
I had visions of having close family and them seeing the kids once a week etc. But it's just not happened. Can just you and the kids perhaps go and stay with or near the family every half term and for one weekend a month to see if its actually something that you would enjoy... Hope you find a way forward and your husband takes your views seriously

@picsinred how do you know this/have heard this? This solicitors website seems to suggest otherwise:
nayyarssolicitors.co.uk/2018/04/25/can-ex-stop-moving-away-children/#:~:text=They%20may%20have%20threatened%20to,cannot%20stop%20you%20moving%20away.&text=They%20recognise%20the%20Court%20does,because%20you%20are%20a%20parent.

I do most of the childcare... He won’t cope on his own with DC. Can court really stop me?

Of course they can. You don't get to unilaterally decide to take your children away from their dad. If he applies for a prohibited steps order you could be ordered by the court to stay in your current area until your youngest is eighteen.

@Chocolate4me This is a very good point. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

We probably see family from the South once a month and family from the North once every 2/3 months.

Would we see family from the South more if we moved closer to them? I would like to think we would. But it's more about having the option in times of crisis. I struggled massively during lockdown, but saying that they would not really have been allowed to help.

Yanbu for being unhappy and wanting to relocate but far better to do it cooperatively with your DP. How would your kids feel about moving south and leaving their dad behind, always assuming you are able to take them with you? It is such a shame for them.

This year has been extremely tough and perhaps it isnt a good time to take a decision like this?

You need to find a way to discuss this properly with your DH. Perhaps with the support of a counsellor.

The lockdown thing is a red herring. None of us has had any support and it had been extremely tough. Living down the road from your family wouldn't have changed that unfortunately. I can see how it might crystallise your thinking in terms of the future though.

How would you feel if he wanted to take your DC and move several hours away, with no input whatsoever from you?

Yes I was going to say that even if my family could have helped, they couldn't have because of all the rules and I didn't feel safe seeing them etc. We have started to see them now, but after the novelty has worn off, it's gone back to about 3 weekly visits for an hour or 2!
Now my kids are older, we also tend to use paid babysitters if we want to go out for a meal etc. Too as we feel bad asking family seeing as they are all working full time still. I do feel jealous when I see all these friends that their Mums help out with school runs, have the kids over for sleepovers every week, round almost daily. But my Mum isn't with my Dad anymore, and lives with a boyfriend so they just don't have that lifestyle as they aren't his grandkids and they spend alot of time away or with friends etc. Makes me sad... But to be honest, sometimes I realise I'm not sure I'd like too much involvement as I find it exhausts me when I do see family!!

I live with no support at all times except what we give each other as a team of course. Dh works long hours so his support is there but limited by that. But I could live next door to my family and would still not be getting help and support apart from maybe baby sitting a couple of times a year.
It has been like this since DC came along 10 years ago, so I don't quite get that as a massive driving factor behind throwing your lives up in the air, testing your family in half and rendering your DC's relationship with their father forever fundamentally changed. Don't get me wrong, I would love the kind of support you miss but as it isn't even an option it doesn't rile me that I am being denied it iyswim.
So, I can't help feel that maybe your resentment of the situation is clouding your perspective so you want to rebel against it rather than find a way through it/ make changes together.
I think have as deep think about whether all that your family unit is is really that disposable that you'll scrap it to rope in wider family support, and then try to get your dh to really hear you that this present situation is deeply dissatisfactory for you and you need an exit plan

I agree with not making a rash decision right now. We are in a middle of a pandemic and it might be quite disruptive to your dc. You'd get the area you want but they'd lose their dad? Sounds a bit drastic. I'd say keep talking to him. Can you go and stay for a weekend with your parents? If they said no then I doubt they'd help you that much if you were moving near.

I will add that lockdown has been horrific for us too. We are lucky to live near both sets of parents and ore lockdown they did a lot of childcare for us between them. Since lockdown we have had to do this alone, especially as there was no school either. It has been tough on us all.

Now is a terrible time to make such a big decision particularly when you're pinning all your hopes on it being the location that will make you happy. It sounds like you need a heart to heart about the way you're feeling and what you need from DH to feel supported.

Is the family in the South your side? How would you feel if he chose to take the kids and move up North?
Taking the kids away from their dad, provided he is a good dad, will only hurt them. How would you explain it to them?