AIBU to leave DH and move South

[DomesticGoddessMe]

DH & I have been together for nearly 10 years. When we first got together, DH was working in a job which required us to move every couple of years. I'm in a location-independent job, so I can work from anywhere.

After DC was born, we decided that DH could not carry on with his job and we needed some stability. He wanted to change jobs quite quickly, and gave me the choice of 2 locations:

1. Location A - Remote area of Scotland, closest friends/family 6 hour drive away.
2. Location B - Midlands, halfway point between 2 sides of the family, good 2 hour drive to see our friends or family.

It did not feel like a choice, I went for Location B as it was the lesser of 2 evils. We share finances but he put 2/3 of the deposit and put 1/3, and we bought a house at Location B. DH loves his job locally and is very happy here.

I am terribly unhappy, and looking back I feel like this location was forced on me. Lockdown was hell. I had no support whatsoever. He was working. I was working and taking care of kids. I've really reached the end.

I want to sell and move south so that at least we are closer to one side of the family where I can get some support. I am so miserable here that if it came to it, I would leave him, take DC and move further South alone.

AIBU to leave a good relationship because I hate where we live?

Do you love him?

@Serin

Do you love him?

This. If you truly loved him you would be happy together anywhere.

Even if your oh didn’t raise any objection to you taking your child and moving south could your share of the sale of the martial home in the Midlands Be enough to get a property in the south?

Are your children happy?

Also if you move how will you facilitate time with their dad, as you are the one that moved you would probably be the one responsible getting them to and from their dad when they have their time with him?

CheetasOnFajitas
Do you love him?

This. If you truly loved him you would be happy together anywhere.

That is complete and utter rubbish. It doesn't mean you don't love someone. You just hate where you live and your lifestyle more, so that the unhappiness becomes too big, overshadowing the love for that person.

What you said is rubbish and too simplistic.

I live 20 mins away from family and we couldnt see them in lock down because everyone was locked down.

How do you know the kids will be happier? Have they got friends, schools? what if he actually stepped up and contributed more than money to your family? EG childcare, washing,cleaning etc.

Truly loved: you could equally say if he truly loved her he wouldn't make her live where she's unhappy

Get a place down south and DH can have a crash pad in the Midlands. If it’s a 2-3 hour drive he can come back at the weekends.

Hello

Thank you for commenting. The issue is not really even my family. It’s that I hate where I live at the moment.

I know the South and I like the South. I can afford somewhere on my own without DH.

The ideal situation for me is to have our main home in the South, DH keeps a crashpad in the midlands and we meet in the weekend.

I don’t think he would stop me taking DC with me, although his family may stat advising him otherwise.

‘If you truly loved him you would be happy anywhere’

What a load of crap.Such a stupid trite comment. You can love someone without losing sight of yourself.

I’ve truly loved people but didn’t want to live where they wanted to live.

I think it’s really shitty on your children to create a weekend dad situation if you don’t have to.

Before I get jumped on: yes, I know plenty of people have to work away and it’s all fine. So my emphasis is on if you don’t have to.

2 hours from family is too far for the type of sudden support of, “x is teething and I’m out of gel, could drop some round?” But it’s not so far that they can’t be seen in a day trip, or babysit occasionally. What level of support are you actually after?

Why do you hate the Midlands? What have you done to address that? Describing it as the lesser of two evils sounds like you never wanted to like it in the first place.

I would make any decision based on lockdown experience.
I would try to embrace my local area first.

Could he moved job/location?
Is this just because of Covid?
Could things get better where you are?
Does he know how unhappy you are?

I don’t think he would stop me taking DC with me, although his family may stat advising him otherwise.

Would you be happy taking your children several hours away from their father? What if he wanted to move North and take them away from you?

[quote DomesticGoddessMe]@FindingNeverland1 I would never stop DH from seeing DC as he is a good dad. But if I move, I would take DC with me.

I’m not sure how our relationship would survive if we lived apart.

I’ve tried to speak with him. He says he can’t get a job anywhere else on the same salary. He has not really looked to be honest.

The issue is that by being halfway between 2 families, we end up with support from none. [/quote]
You think you would be able to just take his kids two hours drive from him when he has done nothing wrong ?? YABU.

I moved to the Midlands as really needed to move away from my home town. Now one year on (18 months but back and forth for some months) and I'm planning to move back but keep where I live a secret and hope that my ex never finds us.

Why? Because family and friends mean more than I thought they would, for my children a hell of a lot more. Because whilst it's a lovely house, lovely area and I have nice neighbours, it's too far for help and support and whilst I had hoped to forge a new life and support here, everyone whilst friendly has their own friends and family.

It should have been okay as part of a religious group that I can move straight into and get involved with but even there people are busy with their own families. And my next biggest community of home edders is very closed off due to past actions of the aggressive Birmingham Lea so nothing there either.

The Midlands is wonderful and I really like the little part I've found myself in but I can't live here so isolated forever. A year out has been okay for me but damaged my youngest confidence and self esteem. We joined groups that she liked but covid shut that. So I'm moving back as soon as I can.

Op if you truly cannot be happy, then you should move as if your husband works long hours then it will be not much different to see him weekends and at least you will have family and friends around during the week.

You think you would be able to just take his kids two hours drive from him when he has done nothing wrong ?? YABU.

How can it be unreasonable when he does not spend hardly any time with them in the week already? It won't make much difference. Just keep the Midlands as a crash lad and join his family every weekend.

What does he prefer 1) a happy supportive family life for all or 2) just him happy and his wife fall into depression etc due to longterm unhappiness. And let's face it, being primary carer her depression will affect the kids if it got that far.

How old and settled are your DC? I live too far from family for them to help me, but have a wonderful network of friends from places like playgroups and school gates, even though my kids are teens now. What is it you hate about where you live? I moved house too much as a child, I would go to great extremes not to have my children move house.

Talk to dh. My dh worked away a lot then he went to mon-fri working away then got a job at home. I'd rather be in not great location and have dh home every night. The kids benefit way more from dad being home every night than just seeing him weekends.

Is family support more important than breaking up the family unit. I wouldn't think that seeing family once or twice a month is worth that. And what support do you actually want from your family. You definitely need to be honest with yourself about the reasons to move. You need to also have a very honest conversation with your dh.

Might you be happier somewhere else in the Midlands, OP?

I have to say, I'm not a huge fan of the Midlands, but there are some nice places: Buxton, Leamington, Hereford are all nice towns/cities. And I find Midlanders to be very friendly.

Ending a marriage because you don't like where you live seems a bit drastic to me.

This sounds really unfair on the children.

How far from where you live now does he work? Can you move somewhere closer to one side of the family but without a rediculous commute for him?

Can you move somewhere else you like that he can commute to?

Is there somewhere in the area you would like better?

Do the children like their schools? Do they have friends? Do you?

How old are the children? When they start school (if they haven't already) it will make a huge difference, you will make more friends, have more contacts, more help?

I feel for you @DomesticGoddessMe. After DH and I married we moved to Brussels and I just couldn’t settle there at all. I just wasn’t cut out for the ‘trailing spouse’ thing and it was difficult to work in my usual capacity without decent languages and with no children at that time their wasn’t the chance to meet other parents. I felt so isolated and I still sometimes wake up remembering how trapped I felt. We moved back to the U.K. as I was desperate but had to move to a totally new area well away from family. By then we had our first DC and so that was a massive help. We’ve stayed here and it’s home now.

How long have you been in the midlands? What strategies did you adopt to get to know others. Did you try to invest in the community And in your life there etc? I’m not suggesting you haven’t tried hard but it is possible to put down roots and build support around you almost anywhere unless you make a decision in your head to not engage. I’m not saying that’s what you’ve done but be careful you don’t jump out of the frying pan into the fire as the support might not be forthcoming just because you’re closer to family and splitting up or living apart are both very testing. That said, your DH doesn’t sound like he’s considering you enough. Does he know you’re so unhappy that you’re contemplating such a drastic move? Perhaps you need to tell him and have a real heart to heart but in the meantime is there anything you can do to improve your present circumstances?

How can it be unreasonable when he does not spend hardly any time with them in the week already? It won't make much difference.

Because he's still their dad!

I imagine you wouldn't be very happy if your DH took your kids off you for the vast majority of the week because you was "working too much".

I think it’s really shitty on your children to create a weekend dad situation if you don’t have to.

I disagree with this somewhat. OP does the majority of the childcare and she is deeply unhappy. If she moves and her happiness increases then that will greatly benefit her DC.

My DC are used to their dad not being around much. They rarely see him from Monday to Friday as he usually gets in after they are already in bed and often works for a few hours over the weekend here and there too. When I take them to my mothers (3 hours away) which I often do, they never, ever ask for him/miss him as they are so used to me being the default parent.

I'm 100% confident that if I moved up to my home town and DH came up on the weekends, my DC would be happier (they love it up there and I would be a happier, nicer mum as a result) and it wouldn't affect their relationship with their dad. In fact it would possibly mean more quality time with them as he'd be away from work distractions.

Different story if you're taking your DC away from a very involved co-parent of course, but I don't think that's the case in OPs scenario.