Extras on top of Child Maintenance

Leostar · 2020-07-31T19:21:33+00:00

My XH very reluctantly pays the legal minimum in CMS. My eldest starts secondary school and I have paid out for a full set of school uniform. There was no point asking him to contribute as it just causes me more grief and the answer is always 'that is what CSA is for'. However, the kids go to him for up to 4 weekdays once a month so I've asked him to buy her a couple of shirts as she is getting to teenage pong time. Unsurprisingly I have had the normal reply. Basically fuck off. I know I will end up buying her the extra shirts because this effects her and she shouldn't be negatively affected because of £20. To add, he is also refusing to buy her tights and is more than haply for her to wear the same pair for 4 days straight. AIBU - I should buy extra shirts for her for his house AINBU - He should provide the extra shirts and tights for his house This was an emotionally abusive relationship and I am far stronger for leaving it but occasionally lose sense of perspective and if I am being reasonable. I think a tub of haagen daas is required.

HugeAckmansWife · 31/07/2020 20:28

He absolutely should but he won't. Much like my ex. In the end they will 'win' because you won't want your DD to not have clean stuff so you will provide it. It's utterly infuriating and you can only take slight comfort in knowing you are on moral high ground and eventually your DD will be of an age that she will appreciate that.

HugeAckmansWife · 31/07/2020 20:30

Also meant to say, I have found my own state of mind is much much better since I stopped expecting / hoping / asking for a decent co-parenting approach. I just get on and do everything. On the odd occasion I have asked him to do something like an appointment or buy shoes he refuses or fucks it up so. I just don't bother now.

Original poster

Leostar · 31/07/2020 20:34

Thanks.

I totally agree. I occasionally attempt to ask mainly to see if he has had an epiphany/personality transplant/wants his kids to be provided for.....

Being the bigger person sucks but is always the right thing to do

Thanks for keeping me sane. I hope your sanity always remained intact!

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user1493413286 · 31/07/2020 20:36

He should buy what she uses at his house but if he won’t then it’s more important that your DD doesn’t go without.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/07/2020 20:40

Yes he should.

My ex earns 3x what I do and pays over the odds for maintenance. He also pays for summer holiday club, gives me extra at Christmas, birthdays and school uniform time plus pays for everything DS needs when he is with him.

Unfortunately my ex seems to be in a minority as all my friends' exes seem to be useless sacks of shit.

Wannabefarmer · 31/07/2020 20:43

@HugeAckmansWife

Also meant to say, I have found my own state of mind is much much better since I stopped expecting / hoping / asking for a decent co-parenting approach. I just get on and do everything. On the odd occasion I have asked him to do something like an appointment or buy shoes he refuses or fucks it up so. I just don't bother now.

I'm slowly coming around to this realisation. The thought of fighting him for CM, set days to see the dc and all the other bits and bobs of parenting for the next 10 years is terrifying. He earns minimum wage, so the CM is welcome but not exactly life changing and definitely not worth the stress of dealing with him.

Original poster

Leostar · 31/07/2020 20:51

@Waxonwaxoff0

Yes he should.

My ex earns 3x what I do and pays over the odds for maintenance. He also pays for summer holiday club, gives me extra at Christmas, birthdays and school uniform time plus pays for everything DS needs when he is with him.

Unfortunately my ex seems to be in a minority as all my friends' exes seem to be useless sacks of shit.

In terms of what other women go through I am lucky to get what I do. The self-employed tosspots appear to be able to run the CMS in circles and get away with murder.

Every single year without fail he attempts to gets the payments reduced - claimed he no longer did overtime (lie), claimed he had the kids 50/50 (lie). Luckily PAYE and a rock solid court order say otherwise. He is a poor excuse of a father and a man.

I am so pleased that you managed to find an amicable way through. I hope that it continues for you and your children.

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Smallsteps88 · 31/07/2020 20:56

He should but he won’t so you will have to.

Also I agree with coming to terms with the fact that you’re just going to be responsible for everything. It’s much easier to get on with your life stress free once you’ve accepted it. It’s getting yourself to accept it that’s the hard bit.

StoneColdBitch · 31/07/2020 21:02

If he has overnight contact, he should pay for the stuff that is necessary for overnight contact IMO - including a couple of school shirts to keep at his. But sadly I don't think it's very clear-cut legally, so I suspect you won't get anywhere. As PPs have said, as crap as it is, you probably just need to come to terms with the fact that he is a dickhead.

Original poster

Leostar · 31/07/2020 21:12

@StoneColdBitch

If he has overnight contact, he should pay for the stuff that is necessary for overnight contact IMO - including a couple of school shirts to keep at his. But sadly I don't think it's very clear-cut legally, so I suspect you won't get anywhere. As PPs have said, as crap as it is, you probably just need to come to terms with the fact that he is a dickhead.

Every time he does something like this it just validates why I left the silly sod. I'll be damned if my children ever go without because he is a pillock.

He is has just schooled me the CMS is NOT the bare legal minimum and that he is left broke every month.....he has just bought a camper-van according to the kids which he is having resprayed.

I shall not be replying to him

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CaptainCarp · 31/07/2020 21:26

Absolutely he should buy all uniform for when she's at his house. NRPs like this are the reason most are seen as useless!

Unfortunately though OP if he was abusive in the relationship this is probably a continuation of the abuse. I think you'd be fighting a losing battle & probably open yourself up to more grief . I'd send your dd with enough school wear & hopefully as she gets older she might start asking her dad to buy (or at least wash!) her uniform!

We have all clothes for SDC at ours. We offered to buy uniform but DPs ex said they already had some & we said to let us know what was missing but never got told 😕 (school website wasn't up so no uniform list & no communication from school). We also will replace any uniform / clothes that are worn or too small.

Original poster

Leostar · 31/07/2020 21:29

Thanks Carp

It is good to know there are some responsible, loving men out there! My faith may be restored one day!

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HugeAckmansWife · 31/07/2020 21:30

Oh god, so do tempting to correct him on that. It is the bare legal. Minimum and incredibly poorly defined as 'a contribution toward essentials'. But there's no definition or list of essentials so what an RP sees as essential, say a, spare coat or shoes or extra uniform so you don't have to wash it every other day, or a nice day out or pizza hut lunch or soft play visit as a way to pass a quiet weekend nrps sees as frivolous and unnecessary. My ex, if ever tasked with shoe buying goes to Asda. They don't fit. Kids refuse to wear them and I'm left trying to dash about buying decent ones. But he feels like he's done his bit. Oh and lectures me on the 'joy and privilege of parenting', on the 4 days a month he does it.

CelestialSpanking · 31/07/2020 21:39

He should buy her some extra shirts and tights and whatever else the kids need for his house in general. But as he’s a cunt he won’t. It’s frustrating. My kids go to their dad’s every other weekend. After about the 4th weekend of picking them up and their breath smelling I asked my eldest why she hadn’t brushed her teeth (youngest has ASD and needs it done for him) she said “you didn’t pack toothbrushes mum”. Yeah the “greatest dad in the world” actually told his kids then aged 6 and 9 that mummy bleeds him dry every month and takes all his money (the CMS minimum is what he pays) and mummy should buy them toothbrushes for his house. And toothpaste, soap and hairbrushes as well as sending them with clothing. I had naively thought he’d at least buy them stuff to clean their teeth I send them with everything now so they don’t have to worry about it anymore (eldest was scared to tell me and then ended up offloading about daddy ranting at her about what a grasping bitch I am).

These fuckers have literally no conscience. So keen to make their poxy point they won’t put their kids needs first.

Original poster

Leostar · 31/07/2020 21:43

Holy hell. Your poor kids

What really confuses me is what do the inevitable new partner see in these losers and their behaviour towards their own kids. Can't they see what a catch they've snared? What a sodding role model?!

I'd rather catch a bad case of the clap than go anywhere bear him again

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abstractprojection · 31/07/2020 22:17

He should be he won’t. Maybe provide your daughter with an allowance if she is old enough so she can buy what she needs when she’s with him.

I’m not in this situation but accepting reality and not expecting or hoping for what should be is, is good for your own well being.

nzborn · 31/07/2020 22:37

Isn't it sad that this is typical behavior which will, in turn, condition her not to ask for any help in the future.

CaptainCarp · 31/07/2020 22:37

@CelestialSpanking

He should buy her some extra shirts and tights and whatever else the kids need for his house in general. But as he’s a cunt he won’t. It’s frustrating. My kids go to their dad’s every other weekend. After about the 4th weekend of picking them up and their breath smelling I asked my eldest why she hadn’t brushed her teeth (youngest has ASD and needs it done for him) she said “you didn’t pack toothbrushes mum”. Yeah the “greatest dad in the world” actually told his kids then aged 6 and 9 that mummy bleeds him dry every month and takes all his money (the CMS minimum is what he pays) and mummy should buy them toothbrushes for his house. And toothpaste, soap and hairbrushes as well as sending them with clothing. I had naively thought he’d at least buy them stuff to clean their teeth

I send them with everything now so they don’t have to worry about it anymore (eldest was scared to tell me and then ended up offloading about daddy ranting at her about what a grasping bitch I am).

These fuckers have literally no conscience. So keen to make their poxy point they won’t put their kids needs first.

He wouldn't even buy them a toothbrush & toothpaste!

that is appalling. They should be going to their 2nd home not a guest house.

I know the question of how much should be paid is emotive & everyone has differing views. I just can't believe that a NRP would think the money covers basic stuff at their house as well.

Charleyhorses · 31/07/2020 22:44

He is an arse.
The only hope I can offer in my experience of several very close friends. The daughters notice it all and often around 12/13 the scales fall from their eyes and they identify the true situation correctly.

HugeAckmansWife · 31/07/2020 23:08

Yeah I had that early on. He wanted me to pack toothbrushes. Pj's etc. Things wouldn't come back and he'd blame our 3 and 5 Yr olds for not packing properly. We eventually agreed that he would provide basics at his place but bikes, scooters, helmets etc have to transfer and have been lost / damaged. Guess who buys new ones?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 31/07/2020 23:15

YADNBU! He’s being ridiculous! My DH has a daughter who is 5, we share custody with her Mum and her Step Dad. DH pays legal amount of maintenance because her Mum has more term time overnights (school holidays are 50-50, term time she goes back to Mum at bedtime on our evenings to make school drop offs easier and stays over at weekends) but anything else over and above is halved! For example, each household buys half the school uniform, we pay for swimming and gymnastics lessons and they pay for a dance club, each house pays for half of admin things like passport renewal, school trips, etc. You both created a life and should pay for it equally.

Iverunoutofnames · 31/07/2020 23:31

Save all messages and tell him you will show them to DC when they are 16 to illustrate how cheap he is.

CelestialSpanking · 31/07/2020 23:39

@Leostar

Holy hell. Your poor kids

What really confuses me is what do the inevitable new partner see in these losers and their behaviour towards their own kids. Can't they see what a catch they've snared? What a sodding role model?!

I'd rather catch a bad case of the clap than go anywhere bear him again

I can only assume women who get into relationships with these festering piles of wank have low standards of what a good, decent parent should be like. No one with healthy outlook on relationships and good self esteem would have anything to do these men. And yes, I used to have poor self esteem and an unhealthy expectation of relationships while I was with him.

spongedog · 31/07/2020 23:57

Do you have a local mums group (facebook)? Often people offer used, but good quality, school uniform. I have a couple of pairs of trousers and school shirts that have come to me that way. Or even a second hand uniform shop at school? If you could get a couple of school blouses/skirts etc then they could be the ones to go to dads. If he "loses" them then they havent cost you the full uniform price. I had some casual clothes returned to me the other week - from 3 years ago. No way they had only just been found at the back of the wardrobe.

It is a controlling move to dick around with childrens clothes or presents.

slipperywhensparticus · 01/08/2020 00:42

My ex was wonderful when we were together highly critical of my daughters csa dodging bio dad two kids and a divorce later he is also a csa doger actively preventing me from working by not turning up for school runs so I had to drop work to get them ringing my job causing hassle showing up outside my job with the children over an hour before I finished sitting in the car park my boss was trying to be nice but in the end the contract finished and was not renewed I can't blame them

I worked for myself he didn't bother collecting the kids so I ended up taking them or scramble for friends to help out

I'm currently unemployed and unsurprised