Extras on top of Child Maintenance

[Leostar]

My XH very reluctantly pays the legal minimum in CMS.

My eldest starts secondary school and I have paid out for a full set of school uniform. There was no point asking him to contribute as it just causes me more grief and the answer is always 'that is what CSA is for'.

However, the kids go to him for up to 4 weekdays once a month so I've asked him to buy her a couple of shirts as she is getting to teenage pong time.

Unsurprisingly I have had the normal reply. Basically fuck off. I know I will end up buying her the extra shirts because this effects her and she shouldn't be negatively affected because of £20. To add, he is also refusing to buy her tights and is more than haply for her to wear the same pair for 4 days straight.

AIBU - I should buy extra shirts for her for his house
AINBU - He should provide the extra shirts and tights for his house

This was an emotionally abusive relationship and I am far stronger for leaving it but occasionally lose sense of perspective and if I am being reasonable.

I think a tub of haagen daas is required.

I have found my own state of mind is much much better since I stopped expecting / hoping / asking for a decent co-parenting approach. I just get on and do everything. On the odd occasion I have asked him to do something like an appointment or buy shoes he refuses or fucks it up so. I just don't bother now

This. Don’t waste precious time and emotional energy hoping for fairness and reason. He clearly isn’t interested. When push comes to shove, your daughter will know who cared for her and who didn’t.

Same problem here OP. My ex H appears to think the £6 each a day he pays for two 6 ft 2 teenage boys is enough to feed, clothe, house, pay for school trips, school devices, phones, holidays, sports clubs etc etc

Considering he's so useless with money he's been made bankrupt since we divorced im not sure why he thinks that money covers everything. Last time I asked he said I was never to ask him again and he paid more than his fair share deluded idiot. So like you, I just stump up so dcs don't suffer.

I did one of those online solicitor things where you can ask a question and a solicitor emails the reply. Asked whether a NRP can be forced to go halves with kids activities. Answer was no. But the solicitor said he was in same position as his gf dd's dad refused to pay more than basic amount so his gf stumped up for everything. It infuriated him but he said court's hands are tied. Made me feel slightly better that he found it a problem too with tight arse fathers

Don't talk to me about men who financially control - it's horrific! I was stupid enough to marry a very wealthy narcissist who was awarded 50/50 of our boys. Equal rights for father you see, at all costs. Zero pounds zero pence payable and an insistance everything must be EXACTLY 50/50 financially.
The good thing is I only have to pay my landlord rent the weeks the boys are with me, their school uniform requirements are half a shirt and trouser leg in half of a washing machine. YES, CMS, I AM BEING BLOODY SARCASTIC!!!!
Ex earns way in excess of £100k a year and lives in a huge house complete with hot tub and four en-suites. I live in a small three-bed rented with one poxy bog working ft (myself, not the bog - even that's a bit knackered!) Hey - he even claims CB for one of our boys so I can't have it - despite having to pay it back!!!

YANBU by wanting him to buy them.

But I would buy them for the comfort of my daughter.

He is a shit bag.

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

I did learn early on that an easy life paying out for everything is far preferable to the stress caused by daring to ask him for a penny. For some reason this time it really got to me, probably because there is just so much to buy and do to get her ready.

I've spent near to £400 and she will need a half term travel card as well! The thought of asking him to pay makes me feel sick but why should I pay for her travel on the days she is with him?!

I think it is also the mental load/wifework I am still having to do on his behalf even after divorce because he can't be fucked/doesn't see why he should do any of it. Only another decade until the kids get to adulthood!

I would send her with one shirt, ask her to put it in the wash, and wear in a normal t shirt the next day.

Do of course explain to the school you have an ex partner who needs a frontal lobotomy and that they are to call him and request he buys your children the proper school uniform for when they are at his house.

Men like this make me seethe

Despite the fact that he should step up and stop being a waste of space, he won't because he doesn't care and doesn't see anything wrong with his actions

Disengage and take comfort in the fact that one day soon your DD will start to see the situation for what it is. You reap what you sow in this kind of situation and one day your DD will understand what you did for her, and what her father didn't. It's sad and she should have a dad who is equally as caring but there's no point wishing for something that won't happen.