To think that you should offer to tidy up...

[loveacryolophosaurus]

After a toddler play date?

Relative nearby has a 2 year old. I have a 2 & 3 year old. We meet up regularly for the dcs to play.

I must add that we always meet here. Relative is a bit funny about paying for parking anywhere and they always go on about how their dc loves coming here as we have a lot of fun things to do shit in the garden.

They visited again today and I'm feeling increasingly pissed off that yet again they don't offer to help tidy away the shit that their dc has pulled out of everywhere. Appreciate it's normal toddler behaviour and I'm pleased they are having fun but who just says "bye then, catch up soon" and fucks off? I always make dc help me tidy up at home or elsewhere.

I'm looking at the garden and they have even left rubbish from snacks they brought with them, their half eaten sandwiches chucked on the floor, shit everywhere.

AIBU here? I'm extremely sleep deprived at the moment so I realise I'm possibly being more grumpy than usual and pissed off that it's one more thing to do this evening.

Next time she suggests it, tell her no you don't want to meet at your house anymore because it always ends up a mess and you get stuck with the tidying up. Be honest!

I had friends like this.
Every school holidays the play dates would be at mine which ended up me providing lunch and the kids all running wild and trashing my house. In the end I’d say ‘ oh we did mind last time, so yours or the park?’
They got the hint pretty quickly

Bypass the parent and get the child to do it.

Make the call for 'tidy up time!' when it looks like she is ready to be going. It always worked for me.
Even 2 year olds aren't too young to learn and it is something they will be doing at nursery/school.

It is basic manners, of course it is. But this relative is a CF and next time they ask you say 'no, I'm sick of having to tidy up afterwards. We're coming to you.'

I think they should clean up the things they brought themselves and if it was me I would also offer to help tidy everything else but it can be awkward in other peoples houses, like maybe I would think the toys were still being played with, and some people are fussy about toys going back in the correct place etc. Also if I host I would normally be happy to deal with any kitchen mess myself. I think the issue is you don't share time at her house too. I would either make it equal or meet at a park or something.

@Noti23

YABU I wouldn’t expect someone else to tidy my kids’ toys just because theirs also played with them

YNBU regarding leaving food and rubbish

Same here. I never ask my guests to help tidy up. If they offer I’ll politely decline. I want them to enjoy themselves and part of that experience is not having to worry about the mess for a change. Plus I don’t really want them stuffing toys in random places. I must admit if I’m at someone else’s house I always find it a bit strange when they ‘announce’ it’s time to tidy up. Of course we do but it does feel a bit abrupt to me.

So it’s ok to leave the toys where they are but to leave your rubbish or wrappers blowing around my garden? I don’t think so!

I never expect/ask friends to help me clear up and they don’t at theirs either (surely that’s the joy of going to someone else’s for a play date!) but we do take it in turns so no one person is doing all the hosting. Just ask her to help.

Mine are older now, but I used to hate the "let me help you tidy away" people. It's pointless, they don't know where anything goes, so it's easier and quicker just to do it yourself.

Of course, it's bad manners of them, as is always wanting to come to your house. But nothing will happen if you don't ask them, unfortunately.

Oh goodness this reminds me of a ‘friend’ I have, I use that term loosely.

When our kids were little we use to go out together etc the times I invited them over to ours, my place was literally trashed. Every room even the bathroom. Each time they got up and Just left and I was left with hours of tidying. I was always too polite to say anything. Then one time she invited us around for a play date. The only room that got messed up was her child’s and it was her child that caused it, mine has always been a bit of clean child - not a brag at all but he hates mess even now his room is spotless compared to mine. Well just before we left I said oh let us tidy up before we go expecting her to say don’t be silly but no she and her child watched us from the door way while me and my child cleaned the Kids bedroom up on our hands and knees!!!!! We have never had another play date again at our house since and we have totally distanced ourself from her we now meet up about once a month outside somewhere as she likes to get out with her toddler twins she has had since, thank goodness!

And 'asking to help', could just meaning picking up their own rubbish! That is completely reasonable.

I always used to offer but always turned down the offers of help, my house was perma trashed back when mine were tiny anyway.

Why didn’t you ask?

If they always come to yours then they should; we take it in turns with friends so I don’t normally but it’s different if you never go to theirs

I never ask my guests to help tidy up.

I don't expect guests to leave food wrappers and half-eaten sandwiches around the garden though! Very few do. I wouldn't.

I wouldnt invite anyone back to my house if they left their rubbish and half eaten sandwiches in my garden.

I agree totally with you basic manners to offer.

As @ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble says. I always asked the children to help tidy up when my children were small and we had friends over. 99% of my friends would be the ones who were telling their DC to tidy up; the 1% were the ones whose children needed me to get them involved. It was not a big deal, though.

Don't be a doormat, and meet at the park.

I had a friend like this, and in the end when she said about coming round, I said "Sorry but the mess the kids make is just too much to keep dealing with, let's meet at X and that way we can both walk away at the end of it".

Do you mean their child leaves actual shit in your garden? Or just mess/toys?

Next time they want to come over I'd just say "as great as that sounds I'm not sure I fancy another post-playdate clear up operation, you know what it's like with toddlers, so if we meet elsewhere that would suit better".

No reason you should always have to host.

She likes coming to yours so her house is left nice and tidy.

exactly this ..

she's a cheeky fucker.. that prefers other people to entertain her little darling and mess up their homes.. then swans off to her own perfectly tidy home..

I had a friend exactly like this when mines where younger... her toddler turned up armed with a bag full of felt tipped pens one day... I ended up telling her to do one... and take her pens with her...

YABU you don't invite people over and then expect them tidy up. It's part and parcel of having a play date at your house.

When we went somewhere for play dates I would ask my child to help to tidy up. I think it is good for them to learn to be good guests.

If there's been lots of mess yes - I would certainly offer if my DC has pulled a lot of stuff out, I'd be embarrassed not to do so!