To be annoyed at letters being address to my partner and not me?

[bigdinolittledino]

Sob
myself and my partner have decided to mortgage our property which is currently owned outright and is a self build.
The house is 50% mine and 50% his and we are unmarried.
I do 100% of the admin, sorted all the mortgage out with the broker, made sure all the documents were in on time and all emails are from my email address which is [email protected] and signed off with my name.
All the documents which have come in the post from the broker are handwritten to My partner and never to me or have me included even though they have never spoken to him before.
I kind of got used to this and accepted this might be the way the broker does things.

However, this morning in the post comes our council tax banding letter and again it's address to just him.
I was the one who used MY local council account to register which is in my name for the tax and submitted all the information but still this letter has come address to my partner, a male.

Are woman still viewed as people who are not allowed control of anything?

Why is this still happening in 2020?

I know it's a small thing to be wound up about within the current climate but I fee so wound up by it just thought I'd engage some opinions if I'm being a tad sensitive or not.

Had similar with solicitors. My husband doesn't do this sort of stuff, it's really not him. We were buying a house together. I'm the main earner and the person who set everything up. The solicitors corresponded with him and persisted in ringing him. Every single time he passed them to me. Took them ages to get it and start calling me first.

@heartsonacake not an issue but I agree it can be very inefficient and downright rude if you front up all correspondence and initiate all calls, the response is always to someone else. It's okay to be irritated by something that that.

OP I would tell the broker a couple of times to sort it and if they didn't I wouldn't use them again.

@heartsonacake I can’t respond to that with anything better than @PicsInRed ‘s excellent comment at the start of the thread:

“ They're structural microaggressions, and when women experience them repeatedly every day, for decades, it has a way of wearring you down.

As it is intended.”

Any assumption that the man is the ‘default’ ‘player 1’ ‘lead person’ just on the basis of being male is problematic, and feeds into a wider narrative which sets men, and not people, at the centre of the world.

Dollywilde I still don’t see the issue.

Welcome to the patriarchy

I find it irritating that companies only have one persons name on the account when you both own the house. This includes water, gas/electric, BT, Sky.
Then if there’s a problem they will only deal with the account holder even though we both own and live in the house !!

Interestingly this is completely st odds with my experience of buying a house and registering for services with my partner (unmarried at the time) 27 years ago.
I did all the paperwork and was the lead, or only, name on everything. I have shares from the demutualisation of the mortgage provider as I was the lead.

We brought again 20 years ago, at that point married, and had the same experience.

You could have a problem if you need a utility bill for proof of ID!!!!
We have the Council Tax billed in both of our names.

Our council only puts one name on the account.

Llyods just sent me a cheque book

Instead of Ms I Kate

They put Ms M Kate

As my dads name is second on the account and his name begins with M

I’ve torn it up, but fail to understand why

@heartsonacake it’s an issue when you need proof of ID. Or when your partner travels for work and they address everything to him and things get delayed.

Weird, because every single sodding bill is addressed to me and causes my husband no end of trouble trying to prove his identity. Just ask them to change it rather than seethe?

@heartsonacake it's quite clear why we should all be annoyed that we are being ignored despite being the client/main client contact. My husband is not me. I am an individual person. My husband doesn't even know who our gas and electricity suppliers are so why should I do the work and the companies address him?

Some women are stuck in the 1950's it seems.

It just makes me laugh as, if your hubby disappeared, they soon know the woman’s name and be after you for payment.

YANBU. Phone them. Speak to someone and make them uncomfortable and make them change it.

What a PIA.

The posts on here about buying new cars remind me of when I went to purchase a brand new car and took my husband with me. The dealer knew it was for me but during the whole conversation he looked at and spoke to my husband. I was really annoyed with the dealer, but even more annoyed with myself afterwards as I didn't say anything to the dealer about it. (I don't know why, as I would normally)!

I was car shopping with my husband (for a car for me). On signing up for the finance application the man behind the desk said to me "let me guess- you're a nurse or a teacher"- I was infuriated but said nothing at the time. Absolutely nothing wrong with these professions but the way he presumed it was all a woman could be?!

Oh and when he asked who the main driver or the car would be and we said I would he looked at me and said "aren't you lucky" 🤬

@heartsonacake it may appear minor at first but this type of structural sexism has cost me money. I had a joint account and mortgage with my now ex with a large bank many years ago. His name was automatically put first on the accounts. When the bank went public and issued shares they were only assigned to the lead name on the account, apparently as it was “too complicated” to issue the to both account holders so basically all the men were given shares and not the women! He kept the shares when we were divorced - to be honest I couldn’t be bothered to fight for my share of them - but it has meant I’ve lost out in money.
I’ve also had letters addressed to my ex at my new house which I bought on my own with my own money! So frustrating.

Oh God, I feel your pain. I make a fuss when this happens. Our most recent issue was with a building control certificate- we own the house jointly, I did all the admin for the building work including corresponding with the building control people, and the certificate arrived with DH’s name only. I made a formal complaint and got it changed to joint names: I wouldn’t have been quite so cross if I hadn’t already had to complain when they were first instructed that they kept emailing DH in reply to messages from me.

@heartsonacake

I think YABU and overreacting. So what if the letters are addressed to him? It’s not an issue, it doesn’t matter.

Ok Rodney.

YANBU, this happened just recently with the estate agents we’re buying a house through. I asked them (politely) to address all correspondence to both of us. Like with you, they had only ever communicated with me, through my email address.

Call it out every time but do it by passing all letters to your DP to handle and let him tell them who they should be going to.

I don't live in the UK but when we did if ever i got a letter addressed to Mrs Hisinitial Brefugee i used to pass it to him and say "haha they think you're a woman". He'd never encountered it before and it lead to a few odd phonecalls where it would be

Mr Brefugee: you wrote me a letter as a Mrs but I'm a Mr
company: but it's for your wife
Mr Brefugee: but her name is Differentinitial
company: it's etiquette
Mr Brefugee: change it
company: grumble grumble reluctantly agree

I did it like that because when i made that call they generally refused.

I must be lucky as I have never experienced this. DH and I are joint mortgage holders and household accounts are a mixture of my name and his. I deal with the life admin (appointments and school stuff) but only because I am hopeless with finances and DH is hopeless with remembering to make appointments/pay DS' activity etc.
When DH passed his test a few years ago we needed to buy a 2nd car - it made more sense to get me a cheap run around - and the dealer only spoke to me and everything is in my name.

@bigdinolittledino if the council tax letter has come addressed to your DP and was generated from your account I would be checking what details the council hold for you - could it be that it is addressed to Mr Lastname and they hold the wrong title for you (i.e. Mr rather than Ms)?

I have encountered the same issue, although we are married.
So in our case it was the ‘house style’ to have my husband’s name first on all the documents and letters etc.
I had similarly been the main contact for all admin on the estate agency side etc and pointed this out to my husband who then took it upon himself to email the Solcrs to ask whether there was some legal requirement for this, and if not, whether they could list my name first on documents and the deeds etc.

They replied that it wasn’t a legal requirement, just an inherited antiquated format that they hadn’t received many queries about until recently more people had begun to question it.

So they changed it.

🍾 🥂

Small victories 😉

A year later we were selling my first flat which I had bought but added my husband to the deeds in more recent years as we knew we would sell it at some point soon. Solcr sent me a document that asked for my husband’s NI #. I asked why not mine? Why not indeed. No reason why mine would t be just as suitable.

If more of us don’t question it and ask for it to be changed to be more equitable, then nothing will change.

Next up were the house renovations, planning applications etc. All of which were my domain. Our architect was submitting paperwork etc on our behalf to the council planning dept. Again, for some of these documents it was just one householder name, not both, and our architect put my husband’s name despite the fact that he had nothing to do with the process. I queried it back to him. He then changed it to my name as he admitted there was no specific or logical reason why it had to be my husband’s name, just that it was the default and convention.

Sigh.

Keep. On. Chipping. Away.

I kind of got used to this and accepted this might be the way the broker does things

Complain. This is absolutely sexism and I agree with PP that its getting worse. There was a period where this seemed to be improving but over the last 20yrs sexist attitudes, heavily gendered stereotypes seem to have become much worse again.

Also as pointed out, this can have real financial consequences and not just for utilities bills.

I reached the point a few years ago where I routinely complain about this stuff and remove my custom where possible. I don't kid myself that I can change it on my own but the improvements now being rolled back were achieved by lots of women taking small actions progressively.