Those of you brought up by a depressed / anxious mother

[Whattodo74]

Would you rather you were brought up by a mother like this or that she wasn't around at all? What affect did it have on you?

N.b meds, therapy isn't working. Long term problem

I love my mother, but the fact that she never dealt with her anxiety has left me with crippling mental illness of my own, a huge number of attachment issues and an inability to properly assess risk. We don't have much of a relationship now and I don't let her see my children alone.

Tbh i have more resentment towards my father, who allowed her to rule the house with her anxiety and didn't even consider leaving and taking us with him, even though we asked.

Are you ok OP? I’m concerned about you considering not being around at all.

I wish my mother had got help for her anxiety. Growing up with her unsolved problems has given me a lot of issues of my own.

Don't give up on getting help.

I think my mum's anxiety was not only untreated but to a large extent unacknowledged by her. I'd still much rather have her around. I'm 35 now me and my sister are meeting her today to go to the beach. If she wasn't in my life I'd not only be missing out on the stuff as a child but potentially the adult relationship.

Is the mum you op?

Ow that I'm an adult looking back I think my mother was depressed, in very much the same way that I am depressed, a lot of apathy, just pure nothingness, but I didn't connect that growing up and while she didn't show much or any affection towards me as a child, I remember us hugging once, I still know we have our own kind of love for each other,

Her not being there would of been worse for me, much worse, she shaped who I am today and looked after me, you and your child will cope with life in your own way and just cus things are bad now doesn't mean they always will be.

It was ok because I had a great dad. If it had just been my mother, it would have been awful

@Whattodo74
If meds and therapy aren't working for you, would EMDR be suitable and can you access treatment?
www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatment/

I had an anxious/depressed mother and yes, it affected me but there was more to it than that. Partly such things weren't really acknowledged or treated 35+ years ago (certainly not as they are now!) but partly because she has a tendency to be self-focused and that's not to do with her mental health, that's just her.

What I can tell you though is that it would have been a million times worse if she'd not been here.

If you're thinking that 'not being here' is a possible solution, I really urge you to talk to your therapist urgently or the Samaritans

Thank you for your responses. Yes I have 2 children 3 and 5 and I'm considering walking out on them and leaving them with their dad. It will kill me but I don't know what else to do.

My mental health is at an all time low (thanks covid!) I am cyclic, I have 18 months of good mood and I think it is all over back there is normally a trigger and it comes back, lasts for around 1 year. I hate that my children see it. I don't want to damage their mental health by being ill but no body seems to be able to help me. Trust me I have tried for years through NHS and privately. I just want a 20 year break so I can raise my children, then I don't care what happens to me.

What medication have you tried? Could you go private? NHS mental health provision is shite.

I really don’t think you moving away would be a solution, that would be equally ‘damaging’ to them. Is their dad supportive or are you having to do all the parenting? Maybe a break from home for a week or two would help? Or getting some extra help around the house?

No parent is perfect, every choice we make impacts our children, it’s a heavy responsibility when you’re also struggling with your mental health but please know you’re not the only one who struggles or questions if they’re a good enough parent.

Growing up my Mum was very anxious (still very much so especially around health issues - ring the doctor of you sneeze type) she also suffered from depression during my very early teens (triggered by a huge weight gain after my younger sibling born)
What I was luckily enough to see was her actively seek help - not usual for the 80’s. She lost the weight had counselling etc

I have some not so nice memories (finding my Mum with a load of pills not knowing what she had taken is just one) But I also have lots of good ones whilst no doubt the bad have deep mental scars for me I also know she really wanted to get better.

As adults, my siblings and I have a sort of understanding why my Mum is the way she is - spent a lot of her younger years in children’s home while her mum was in prison and then chaotic teenagers years with an alcoholic step Dad. We know she suffered some trauma in the children’s home. She wanted to view her social services records recently to try to understand more but for now she has put it on hold. Understanding why my Mum is the way she is probably means I forgive her for more than I should but I can’t blame her for the early year trauma that has deeply affected her.

My mother was depressed with episodes of bipolar like behaviour (she's not bipolar but suffered from severe PMS) all my life. I've also battled depression and suffer from generalised anxiety. This is probably as a result of the lack of any consistency with her moods. One day I could make a mess in the kitchen and she would laugh, the next day I could do the same and I would get screamed at. I never knew which Mum was going to show up.
Having said that, I love my mum and have a really great relationship with her now. She has had a lot of therapy and intervention to help her improve and menopause stopped much of the crazy behaviour. We've talked about my childhood and she has apologised for her inability to get her mental health under control. As a pp said, there wasn't the recognition or support for conditions such as anxiety or depression as there is now. She had to navigate her mental health on her own.
Even though there were some rough times growing up I think my life would have been far, far worse without my mum. Despite her issues we always knew that she loved us. The loss of any parent is absolutely devastating for children. Barring severe abuse it is always better for a child to have their mum than not.
As an adult I can now look back and see that she did the best she could and actually was a pretty amazing human being for raising 2 daughters alone while working full-time. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to work through those issues if she had been removed from my life.

You name it. Many anti depressants, mood stabilises and anti anxiety meds.

I'm private therapy at the moment..

I just don't want them to 'catch' it. Does that make sense? I want them to see the world brighter than I do

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through mentally, OP. I've had depression and anxiety for the majority of my life and have now just started to accept that this is probably how I'm going to be from now on. I think unfortunately some people's genetics/personality/lifestyles just make them more likely to have depression in the long run. Sorry if that's not the right thing to say, but to an extent it actually helps me feel better because it stops me blaming myself so much. That being said, you shouldn't give up on trying to get yourself to a better place. On the topic of growing up with a depressed parent, as long as you are not abusive or neglectful in any way I can guarantee that your children will suffer more if you walk out than if you stay. In fact, your children may also be genetically predisposed to low mood, in which case having a strong positive relationship with their mother who also struggles with mental health issues could be a really huge help to them.

I had a parent who struggled with depression and I love them so so much and actually appreciate them more for all they've done to support me/bring me up in a loving home whilst struggling themselves.

Please don't walk out on your children OP, you're obviously a loving parent for contemplating it and that's exactly why you should stay.

Thank you for sharing your stories with me. It is comforting to know regardless you would rather your mum was around.

And to the lady who asked, yes dad is hands on and brilliantly supportive. He shields them from some of it

My mum was/is depressed and I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that no, my life would not have been better off if she'd walked away. I probably do have some issues as a result but my dad was great, he supported her and us. He still does. If anything I think now it's made me more aware of when my mental health is taking a battering and I need to change something so that I don't have problems like her.

I hope you get better soon OP but I know it's a life long battle for some.

My mum has always suffered from anxiety. It’s always there, but at times she has been hospitalised due to anxiety induced psychosis. This happened before I was born, then when I was 15, then again when I was at university then recently about five years ago.
She’s always anxious though. I have felt like her counsellor at times, even when growing up. She assumed that I would develop mental health problems and always projected her feelings on to me by, for example, saying I shouldn’t go to university because I would have a breakdown because I was bound to turn out just like her. (My mental health is fine).
It has made life a little tricky for me, as I’ve had to be resilient and do things while fighting against what she has told me (that I won’t be able to do this or that, that friends don’t really care about me, that if I wanted a boyfriend it meant I wanted to be a prostitute! - stuff like that that she said as a result of her anxiety). Obviously her breakdowns have been difficult to cope with.
But she is a lovely person and has been a great mum in many ways. We get on well and enjoy spending time together. She was good at hugs and affection when I was growing up. When I had a miscarriage she was very supportive (she was well at the time). She’s a sweet person and very intelligent and interesting. She is my mum and I love her. She can’t help being ill.
Some people suffer from mental illness. It’s an illness, not their fault.
Just focus on getting better OP, if you’re talking about yourself. You can still be a great mum like my mum was and is in many ways.

And my mum has tried to kill herself a couple of times (pills) when things were at a crisis point.
I’m so glad she didn’t succeed.

My mum has depression, OCD, anxiety.
In no way would my life have been better without her.
I don’t like what her mind can do to her, it makes her believe she’s worthless when she’s the complete opposite. She’s been the best mum to me that I could ever have wished for, mental health and all. She protected me a lot because she was able to but my life would be in tatters now if she’d walked away

Not my mother, but my grandmother. It’s definitely effected my mum and uncles lives. I don’t think that they would have been any worse off without her, but that said she’s a selfish woman as well as a depressed one and she has resisted help a lot over the years. I think a depressed but less selfish mother would have been better.

I grew up with a mother in and out of hospital with depression and anxiety. She is even worse now in her seventies. I have severe anxiety and depression as well and attachment issues. I also had very little self worth. However with counselling and medication I am coping with it. I have good days and bad days but try hard not to show it. On my bad days I stick on the tv and let the kids watch too much. I grew up with just my mum although I still saw my dad.
I would still have preferred my
Mum in my life as a child. Now I am an adult I understand it abit better. I think if you are aware it makes a big difference as you work harder to fight it.

My mum was oblivious to it and would not acknowledge it.

My mum was a depressed, anxious alcoholic. Hell to live with and I'm deeply emotionally scarred. However, I love her so much and our relationship is great now I'm an adult. I have forgiven her as I know she didn't mean to be a bad mother (like you, she wasn't ill all the time. When she was well she was amazing). You need to understand that this is not your fault.
The key for me was therapy and I wish i had accessed it sooner. Your children will NOT be happier if you're not there. They'll never be able to reconcile why you left. Please be kinder to yourself OP

The thing that affected me most and that I remember far more than anything else was her threatening to leave even though ultimately we knew that she stayed because she loved us. The idea of abandonment was so much worse than having her there, despite her anxiety and depression. We have a much better relationship as adults as she's no longer overwhelmed by active constant parenting, as well as because she sought help (both NHS and private).

It would have been much worse without her.