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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me how unreasonable I would be

28 replies

Chocolatethief · 30/07/2020 20:00

I am struggling with everything going on with covid at the moment and already deal with severe mental health problems but past few months I have been struggling badly with loneliness to the point where I cry most days. Now to the problem i am getting intense urges to contact my ex who was controlling, emotionally and financially abusive. I know I shouldn't but I keep thinking about things he said like nobody but him cared about me and right now no one else cares so at least part of it was true. Please help me to not be so stupid.

OP posts:
MitziK · 30/07/2020 20:01

Don't be daft. He's an ex for a bloody good reason - and either letting him back in or giving him the opportunity to reject and abuse you some more would be really harmful to you.

DON'T DO IT.

Calic0 · 30/07/2020 20:02

You would be an absolute fucking moron.

Big, big hugs OP. I know from an internet stranger that might not be a lot of help but hopefully better than the alternative you’re considering.

Calic0 · 30/07/2020 20:03

Radio 2 were really pushing International Friendship Day today and were talking about resources out there to help support people struggling with loneliness. I was only half listening, but it might be worth checking out their website to see if they posted links to anything useful.

Babs709 · 30/07/2020 20:03

OP you’ll find a good support network here... happy to listen to you talk this through. How have you coped with your mental health before? Are you doing anything to fight through it at the moment? Is there an alternative to your ex you can lean on IRL? You won’t be the only one severely struggling (if that helps to here at all!!)

Babs709 · 30/07/2020 20:04

Hear*

BlueJava · 30/07/2020 20:05

Are you living by yourself OP? and do you have any family or friends that you can talk to? Even if you don't meet up perhaps you could give someone a call for a chat.

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 30/07/2020 20:11

I know how stupid it would be but the abuse feels like a better option than this loneliness.
I do have support for my mental health and my therapist said a few weeks ago me getting back in contact would just be me self harming myself and she doesnt even know everything. I try talking to friends online but it doesnt help. Have tried to see family a few times but they arent interested so giving up with that and yeah I do live alone.

I have a search about loneliness but everything is aimed at older people not someone in there young 20's

OP posts:
EboracumNovum · 30/07/2020 20:16

Bless you. I kind of know how you feel...luckily for me every time my mind wanders down that rabbit hole my XH does/says something else to prove what an enormous prick he is and I'm cured!

Is it just general contact or meeting people physically that you are missing. I've made some great friends online over the last year and they have been the bulk.of my social life over the last few months. I've met a few through my hobby (writing forums and tumblr) and got chatting to several more via FB groups. I also have two private groups of friends on FB that I originally met on MN.

It is possible to 'meet' people without physically meeting them,but I appreciate that's not much help if it's seeing people in RL that you're missing.

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 30/07/2020 20:20

Its seeing people really it's doing something other than being sst in my flat with only my tv for noise. I miss human connection and it's been a while since he has tried anything so it makes me think maybe he has changed I know realistically he hasn't but I keep thinking even him the way he was is better than this at least I will have someone

OP posts:
LaughingDonkey · 30/07/2020 20:20

Don't! YABVU. Man is not a solution to loneliness!

Get a dog - brilliant companions, who will never betray and will live to make you laugh and please you! All that fun training and teaching tricks! And rewards!!!

Or get a hobby! Start Zumba class!

Stay strong! Do not do it! Flowers

MitziK · 30/07/2020 20:20

@Chocolatethief

I know how stupid it would be but the abuse feels like a better option than this loneliness. I do have support for my mental health and my therapist said a few weeks ago me getting back in contact would just be me self harming myself and she doesnt even know everything. I try talking to friends online but it doesnt help. Have tried to see family a few times but they arent interested so giving up with that and yeah I do live alone.

I have a search about loneliness but everything is aimed at older people not someone in there young 20's

It really isn't a better option - and what if he decides that his time, he's going to get you back by rejecting you instead? You're then doubly lonely as 'even' he doesn't want you.

Being lonely is crap. But it's better than contacting him.

Ginkypig · 30/07/2020 20:40

He didn't care though. He never cared for you.

People who care for you dont behave like how you have described
my ex who was controlling, emotionally and financially abusive.

None of that is care!

As someone with severe long term mental health issues I completely understand the struggle infact I spend a large chunk of my life thinking if I was dead at least it would be over and I wouldn't suffer anymore but I also know that when you get to that point it is even more important to not fall into unhealthy coping strategies because while in the short term they give some relief in the long term you know the end result is far worse.
Abusive exes.
Self harm.
Addictive behaviours like food drugs and alcohol.
Uninhibited sexual behaviours.
Making acquaintances with unsuitable or dangerous people or people who would take advantage when you're vulnerable.
And more, all common things people do when they feel they can't cope or when they are in pain.

Op this won't last your mood will eventually lift, (you might not get happy or at least not others version of happy but it will become manageable again) you just need to hold on and stay on the rollercoaster until you get on an even bit of track.
Reach out to gp or support worker or whatever other professionals are in your life and if you don't have any then you need to get engaged with services ok.

labyrinthloafer · 30/07/2020 20:42

100% unreasonable.

Do anything else you can think of.

I am sorry you are so lonely. But please don't contact him Flowers

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 30/07/2020 20:48

I engage with services just this week I have spoke to my gp, care coordinator, therapist, my carers and police mental health support. They all know I'm struggling but cant do anything to help right now. You are right it isnt the actions of someone who cares I think I like to pretend he did because it hurts less.

OP posts:
Toseland · 30/07/2020 21:09

Don’t do it! Try not to even think about him. Find anything else to do and chat on here. Hope you feel better soon. We are, all of us, living and struggling through very difficult times. Xxxx

ElsieBeard · 30/07/2020 21:22

No no no. you will definitely regret it.

Ginkypig · 30/07/2020 21:48

@Chocolatethief

I engage with services just this week I have spoke to my gp, care coordinator, therapist, my carers and police mental health support. They all know I'm struggling but cant do anything to help right now. You are right it isnt the actions of someone who cares I think I like to pretend he did because it hurts less.
I know chocolate.

Honestly I completely understand how your thinking but you are thinking that way because your thoughts are being manipulated and clouded by the disease and that is what mental health issues are caused by a disease.

When the pain is so completely all encompassing sometimes even something bad sounds better than what you have right now but the truth is it isn't but when you are in the depths that is hard to see.

It's only after once things become less severe (before the next dip Sad) that you realise that but by then it's too late and you are stuck dealing with the ramifications of the choices you made when you were too vulnerable to know how bad the choice was. Does that make sense?

You have to think sometimes if I was well or would I really think that or decide that or if Would I be worried for them if they thought that or chose to do that?
I know That's really really hard though!

Ginkypig · 30/07/2020 21:51

I hope you know my replies have absolutely no judgement!

Sorry if I'm being a know it all or sound dismissive Blush I don't mean it like that.

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 30/07/2020 22:30

I dont feel judgement I need to be told how it is, I know later on it would be a huge mistake and I also know it could have serious ramifications, he wasnt physical but it was getting that was he had started pushing me around. I need to get it out to make me realise how bad a choice it would be and I need to be told how wrong a choice it would be.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 30/07/2020 23:19

Get it out here chocolate.

And if it helps.

It's a terrible idea he won't make you feel better he will heap even more misery on your already heaped shoulders and not only that but he will probably weaponise your mental health issues and vulnerabilities and use it as one more thing to beat you with.

Things feel terrible just now but they will be much much worse as soon as you give him the chance to crash into your life again.

gobbynorthernbird · 31/07/2020 00:34

@Chocolatethief

I dont feel judgement I need to be told how it is, I know later on it would be a huge mistake and I also know it could have serious ramifications, he wasnt physical but it was getting that was he had started pushing me around. I need to get it out to make me realise how bad a choice it would be and I need to be told how wrong a choice it would be.
If he was pushing you around then it was physical and he would have got worse if you stayed.
Original poster
Chocolatethief · 31/07/2020 16:30

I dont view it as physical because he never hit me or anything. Loneliness is feeling worse now if possible as I'm in an area of the north with more restrictions and a friend was going to come to see me next week but now cant. I just want this all to go away I need to be able to see friends and family which also means i need my family to want to see me but thats another problem.

OP posts:
MitziK · 31/07/2020 16:53

@Chocolatethief

I dont view it as physical because he never hit me or anything. Loneliness is feeling worse now if possible as I'm in an area of the north with more restrictions and a friend was going to come to see me next week but now cant. I just want this all to go away I need to be able to see friends and family which also means i need my family to want to see me but thats another problem.
Well, you're wrong, then.

It was physical abuse.

Keep going. It might not feel like it, but you are doing brilliantly without destroying everything you've fought for by contacting that abuser again.

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 31/07/2020 17:09

I'm trying my best not to just got some bad news from my gp I had an ecg in hospital at the weekend as I ended up in and something about my heart rhythm or something was to long so have to have another one in a couple of weeks and if it's still to long I will have to change my one of my meds which can cause this. Just been given some diazepam of my gp though to help me cope for a few days.

I will try looking at it like that it may help to not contact him and besides if I do I know I will lose a friend

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatethief · 31/07/2020 18:40

I'm also trying to remind myself about the fact that nurses when I was in hospital a couple of years ago told me I should use Claire's law to check his past as they had concerns. Yes I was an idiot for being with him we weren't together long really but it was very intense and he played on my vulnerability. I would be the stupidest moron in the world to contact him.

OP posts: