Please tell me how unreasonable I would be

[Chocolatethief]

I am struggling with everything going on with covid at the moment and already deal with severe mental health problems but past few months I have been struggling badly with loneliness to the point where I cry most days. Now to the problem i am getting intense urges to contact my ex who was controlling, emotionally and financially abusive. I know I shouldn't but I keep thinking about things he said like nobody but him cared about me and right now no one else cares so at least part of it was true. Please help me to not be so stupid.

I cant stop thinking about him was eating ginger biscuits and looked at the ingredients one of them was thiamine which my ex was on to help get him off alcohol (he was an alcoholic) and it reminded me of him what the hell is wrong with me I cant think of a single good thing about him so why do I want to contact him. Why am i so dead set of being self destructive

Your illness is giving you these feelings, you know they are not right but your brain will try and trick you. I know the struggle. How did you feel when you split from him? How bad were the last weeks of your relationship? Were you relieved, glad to be away from his abusive behaviour? Hold on to that feeling xx

I was scared he rang 60 times in one day which was unfortunate as I was shopping and apparently stress shop. Last few weeks was scared walking on egg shells. One night I didnt want to have sex so he stormed out of his flat he came back at about 2 in the morning and I went home as I was scared been raped before and didn't trust him. We actually broke up because I was moving at the time so was at mine packing and he came up when I said I didnt want him to and I freaked out and hid in my bedroom and that was the end of it.